Sir Lancelot and the North Star

Sir Lancelot upon his trusty, dapper white horse, his armor polished to a high degree of brilliance, rode along the shoulder of Interstate Five, searching for a fair damsel in distress. Presently he came upon a stalled Ford Pinto with a slightly crumpled hood, and lo, a fair damsel sat behind the steering wheel, talking into a cell phone. Sir Lancelot dismounted gracefully as always, and approached the disabled vehicle with his usual gallant and courteous manner.

"Good day to you, fair damsel in distress," he called out. "I am Sir Lancelot of King Arthur's court. May I offer you my humble assistance?"

The fair damsel took one look at him, and in the next instant she had pulled out a revolver and was pointing it directly between Sir Lancelot's eyeballs. "Get away from me or I'll shoot!" she screamed.

Sir Lancelot wasted no time returning to his dapper white steed and galloping on his way. "Well," he said to his steed when they were at a safe distance, "she was a fair damsel, but did not appear to be in any great distress. I shall continue on my search for a fair damsel in distress."

Turning in to the fair city of Seattle, he came to a local college, and what should his weary eyes behold but a fair lady, holding a very large stack of books in her arms, walking toward the door of the school building. His heart rejoiced at the opportunity to open the door for the fair lady. Galloping up to her and dismounting gracefully as always, he addressed the fair lady as follows: "Good day to you, my beautiful lady! I am Sir Lancelot of King Arthur's court. Allow me to open the door for you."

But just as he was reaching for the door handle, the fair lady screamed at him in an exceedingly shrill tone of voice: "I can get the door myself, you dumb, stupid, dirty, filthy, rotten, stinking, disgusting, low-down, good-for-nothing, sexist male chauvinist pig! How dare you call me beautiful! Who do you think you are, Sir Dunce Cap? You think I'm going to call you Sir? I'm going to file a sexual harassment lawsuit against you. Hey, where do you think you're going? I'm talking to you, you blockhead!"

Sir Lancelot had in the meantime already made a courteous and graceful exit, mounted his trusty steed and continued on his journey, and thus did not hear the remainder of what the fair lady had to say.

"Surely there must be a fair damsel in distress somewhere," he said to himself. "I shall persevere until I find her. A knight in shining armor does not quit, or so I've been told."

With that, he galloped up and down the city streets until evening fell and he came to a very poor-looking part of town. He turned a corner into a dark alley, and suddenly there fell upon his ears the voice of a very fair damsel in a very great deal of distress, crying out in fear and pain. Interspersed among her cries was the rough and angry voice of a drunken man, his words punctuated with the sounds of sharp objects hitting the walls and a heavy fist pounding the tender flesh of the fair damsel.

Sir Lancelot's knuckles turned a livid white. He followed the sound of the voices, and as soon as he saw the man in the dark doorway, holding the fair damsel by the hair, he dismounted in a terrible rage, broke into a sprint and roared: "You there! Let her go and come and fight me like a man!"

In just under 13.2 seconds, the brute lay sprawled on the ground, his body parts skillfully rearranged so as to look like a Picasso painting. Sir Lancelot then turned to the fair damsel, got down on one knee, and said: "O fair damsel in distress, I am Sir Lancelot of King Arthur's court. Allow me to take you away from this awful place, to a beautiful castle where you will be treated like a lady. No fair damsel should be treated the way this sorry excuse for a man has treated you."

The fair damsel, however, turned upon him and there was murder in her bloodshot eyes. What proceeded next from her dainty mouth was language so vile and so foul that Sir Lancelot's ears turned a bright crimson red, so frightfully embarrassed was he. Unable to answer the fair damsel, he made his exit, mounted his trusty steed, and galloped away into the night.

All night and all day he rode, and into the next evening, until he came to the cabin of his old friend and mentor, who lived at the foot of majestic Mount Rainier.

"O friend and mentor!" he cried out. "I do not understand the fair damsels of America. I am still the same as I ever was. But the fair damsels of today have no use for a knight in shining armor. Whatever happened to the gracious ladies of the days of chivalry which you taught me O, so many years ago?"

The old friend and mentor smiled with a wise smile, his eyes shining with kindness and love. "Come here, my son," he said. "Look up at the night sky. What do you see?"

"I see the stars, O friend and mentor."

"Very good, very good. Now, my son, which one is the North Star?"

"Why, it's that one right up there."

"You have learned well, my son. And what did I teach you about the North Star?"

"Well, you said it's always in the same place, and that when it's dark and I look up and I see the North Star, I will always know where I'm going."

"Excellent, my son. And what does the North Star symbolize?"

"It symbolizes the truth."

"Yes, my son. It symbolizes the truth. Now, my son, what have you just learned?"

"Duhhhhhh......... I don't know."

"My son, order your life by the truth. Embrace the truth and it will never betray you. Build your house upon the truth and it will stand. Follow the truth and you will never be lost. Do not let your life be dictated by women who do not know the truth.

"The fair damsels you met in America have merely been seduced by the fashionable trends of the day. They are following Venus, the bright and shining planet, which wanders around the heavens, never staying in one place. Those who look to Venus for their direction are forever lost and confused.

"But you, my son, have been taught to follow the North Star. It is not as bright and beautiful as Venus, but it is always in the same place. Yes, there are women today who have no use for a knight in shining armor. But, even though they are extremely loud and shrill, my son, they are not in the majority, and even if they were, they are not right. They do not know where they are going, because they are following Venus.

"But, there are still many, many fair damsels who dream of a knight in shining armor just like you. Be true to your guiding principles, my son. Honor, valor, duty, honesty, courage, faithfulness, courtesy. Do it because it's the right thing to do. Simply be the knight in shining armor that you have always been, and you will find your fair damsel in due time."