Six Embarrassing Summer Tales and Their Practical Cures

Many things happen during summer time that you never expect. I won't confess who these really happened to, but please feel free to assume it happened to the author. All the names are made up. But just know up front, I'm not ever telling who, so don't ask. So, now that you know the ground rules, here are some of the worst summer tales I've heard:

Number Six: Ty the Guy and His Raw Chicken

You're sure Ty's from New York City, not that I'm prejudiced or anything, but there's just this way he clings to his suit that says big city. He shows up for the after work hike. All after work hikes provide 2 hours to go uphill, 45 minutes to cook and eat a hot dog, and one hour back down so you don't stumble too badly in the dark. Everything goes wrong at the start, one person after another shows up and puts on their boots at the last minute and then the hike has to be moved because the trail is closed. Finally, you reach the top of the hill around 8:30 pm and someone starts a small fire for the hotdogs. Ty pulls out a recently purchased raw chicken breast. He needs to borrow a knife to open the package. He finds a stick and shoves it through the breast and holds it over the fire. He doesn't know that raw chicken with the bone in takes 45 minutes to cook. He refuses any help. Eventually he gnaws on a still pink in the inside breast, while walking downhill, his original container seeping bacteria laden juices down his back. Your guess is as good as mine about whether he gets ill or not.

Solutions: This is not the only summer barbecue nightmare you will encounter. Know your cook time-most cook books have a chart. Chop up raw meats in small pieces. Only reheat cooked food once. Beware of leaving raw meats out in the sun. Beware of condiments with eggs in them left out in the sun-i.e horse radish, dressings, mayonnaise, tartar sauce. Reuse plastic shopping bags for garbage.

Number Five: Gung-ho Greta and the Weed Whacker

Greta's the new home owner down the street, young, educated, and ready to take on the world including mowing her lawn and edging it. Her hair is always perfect, curls to her shoulders, skin always fresh. Only problem is, the weed whacker is as tall as she. And the neighbor owns a German Shepherd that's become her best friend. You pay no mind, although you occasionally glance over, worried she's going to cut her shin again. Then a scream breaks the serenity of Sunday morning. You drop what you're doing and run. Greta stands with her hands and legs spread, her face scrunched, the weed whacker dropped by her feet. Bits of brown spatter her face, neck and shirt. You quietly ease back to your duties, because you guessed it. Greta hit wet dog doo with her weed whacker. Not pretty.

Solutions: Girl's, sorry to be sexist, but really, leave this job to the men, they like such macho pleasures. Everyone, always wear a plastic face guard or goggles, rocks and other debris can end up in your eyes with ease. Always wear long pants and shoes. That plastic string inside cuts flesh more easily than grass. Or put a border of cement under your fence and never have to do this task again. Or try one of Lindsey Michelle's natural remedies.

Number Four: Trail or is that Trial Tom and the Roadside Stop

Tom's protected. Or so he thinks. He wears the latest in outdoor clothing, sun blocker shirt and pants, mesh hat, layers when needed. His clothes, boots, and hat were sprayed with Repel Permanon, a DEET based product that binds with his clothing for a month of mosquito protection. On the bare parts of his skin-hands, neck, and face are covered with twelve-hour mosquito repellant on top of sun protection. His pants are stuffed into his stockings. He's off-road in Alaska and there's no bathroom stop. His back is turned to the people he travels with, but suddenly, he starts beating out a pattern. This is just too good to miss, we climb out of the car with our camera, and there, flying above him, thousands of mosquitoes in dive bomber attack mode, directly toward the family jewels. Now mosquito bites shouldn't be taken lightly, as Gemma Argent points out in her article.

Solutions: Bring bait, preferably moose sized. If you're going outside of the country, be sure to check in with the local university's travel program for shots, prevention medicine, advice and warnings. The precious skin we're talking about might profit from one of these natural bug repellants in this article by Tina Samuels. Also, go indoors during the evening hours when they're worst and avoid fresh water. Around home, grow rue and mosquito plant that has natural citronella and burn citronella candles. Also if going places with ticks, chiggers, leeches, or one of the poisonous plants like poison oak, ivy or nettles be sure to remove your clothing and launder it before wearing again to prevent the spread of the oils and bites after the bugs move around.

Number Three: One-Ups-Woman Uma and her Picnic Dishes

Yes, there's always one at every potluck. The driven woman with her hard eyes, muscular body, and the dish that is meant to wow. But just be nice when her strange ideas don't turn out. Walk away and giggle someplace else. It's much kinder. Yes, she turned over the jello mold and it went splat. Or you dug into her freshly grown garden greens and found a slug clinging to the fork. Or she dished up ice cream and it had the consistency of milk. Keep a straight face when you politely ask for a straw.

Solutions: Bring your summer potluck dishes in a cooler filled with ice. When porting freshly made ice cream, a cooler isn't cold enough. Pack your churning container in the bucket filled with ice and salt and be sure to cover your seats with newspapers. A salad spinner helps clean up greens. Tearing the lettuces helps ensure you've seen large parts of the salad and hopefully remove bugs.

Number Two: Fisher Fred and the Foot Fetishes

Fred always drawls, after hitching his pants above his waist. And he knows all the best fishing holes in the state and the surrounding states. He ties his own lures and digs his own night crawlers. He gets up at four. And usually he's pretty smart. But now and then it just gets so hot that he has to remove his shoes and wiggle them in the water. Too bad his tootsies look like fresher red slabs than his salmon catch. And too bad that next morning when he steps into his shoes, he doesn't look first. Squish. There went a sticky little slug smeared all over his arch and no soap anywhere around.

Solutions: Don't forget to bring suntan lotion in case you roll up your pants, remove your socks and shoes, or hat, because those rarely bared spots always burn. Look inside your shoes before putting them on, worse creatures than slugs can crawl in overnight including spiders and scorpions. Now what nasty creatures are in the country you're visiting. And check the ingredients of your drink, as April recommends in her article about Sobe water.

Number One: Chunky Upton Chuck and the Fishing Charter

Need I say anything more? Just let your imagination provide the smell and sound effects, because this person is seriously hurting. He's crawling on the ice cold, wet floor of the boat wearing everything he has, and is just plain miserable.

Solutions: If you're not sure how you handle motion, eat lightly the night before you go on a charter boat into the ocean. Bring many layers of warm clothes, you can expect any weather and it will change. Have a motion sickness bracelet in your backpack or purse. Bring ginger candy or cookies, they do help settle your stomach. Stay outdoors, the fresh air helps. Bring your Ipod, if someone else is sick, the sensory experience may bring on your own nausea.

Oh, yeah, have lots of fun!!