Six 'Scary' Aspects of Marriage and Child-Rearing

Before you get up in arms at my title, let me be quick to explain that I actually love my wife and my children very much. I've been married a while now, and now I've been a father for over five years too, and I wouldn't change it for anything....well, except for maybe these six elements!

Scatology: What is with kids excited about their own poop? It's like they want to count it and show it to you. I want to gag every time they call me into the bathroom. Now my wife is in on the joke and will even go so far as to take pictures of the kid's poop and send it to me through her camera phone!

Female Products: After 10 years, 9 months, and 22 days of marriage, I was asked to do the unthinkable.......pick up tampons for my wife from the store. I did it, with hardly any complaints. Of course, I also felt the need to fill up my cart with manly items I really didn't need just so the tampons were not the only thing I was buying and hoped the clerk didn't say anything!

Pyromania: My oldest daughter tried an experiment once when she was about three. I received a frustrated yet unexpectedly calm phone call from my better half informing me that the girl had shoved a crocheted mini-blanket through the top of her lamp and it started smoldering, burning a good chunk of the blanket and frying the light bulb. My wife had caught it because she's that diligent. Needless to say, the lamp has been removed from the room. Not any real damage, just a bunch of frayed nerves. We're now waiting for my youngest daughter to try a similar stunt, though we've done everything in our power to make the place as fire resistant as possible!

Inappropriate Lullabies: I've never understood attempting to sing such 'classics' to my girls as Rock a Bye Baby in which some hideous parents stuck there kid in a tree and when the bough breaks, watch them plummet to the ground, or Ring Around the Rosie, a song about the Black Plague and yet somehow it was inappropriate of me to sing such punk classics like Now I Wanna Sniff Some Glue or Teenage Lobotomy?

Ugly Babies: This is not about my own children, but rather about the politically correct world of parents and kids I now find myself in. I was at Target the other day and saw an infant so ugly, it made me do a double take. Please, I'm not pure evil, its not like the kid was deformed or disabled, it just came from bad genes. At least, that's my opinion. My wife ascertains that I am indeed pure evil (or at least slightly mean) and there are in fact no ugly babies. "All babies are beautiful!" Sure honey, whatever!

It's my belief that the "no ugly babies" philosophy was propaganda developed by people that should not have been procreating in the first place and therefore had ugly children.
As a diligent and dutiful parent, I know I'm not the best looking dude out there, so I gauged people's reactions for four months after my firstborn arrived to indeed test whether they thought she was ugly. It turns out there reactions showed she was fine (and still gorgeous). The second one I was not so diligent about but I'm confident she's extremely good-looking and other people agree. But I'm sorry people; there are indeed some ugly babies!

Loss of Manly Identity: I now live in a home with three females. Even before my daughters were born, we had nothing but female pets. I find myself watching Project Runway instead of Heroes, or drinking white wine instead of beer. I haven't been quite myself in years!

Take all of this in fun!