Six Tips for Disciplining with Love

As a mom of four children, two with developmental delays, I understand how difficult it must be for some parents when it comes to disciplining children. They don't seem to hear us, they fight us at every turn, they push our buttons and test boundaries. It's easy to 'lose it' and yell, scream and hit. But these forms of punishment don't teach children that their actions are unacceptable nor does it teach children the acceptable way to act. And that's the main difference between punishment and discipline.

Discipline is all about teaching children proper behavior and, basically, about the Golden Rule. It's about helping children understand that if we want people to be nice to us, we need to be nice to them. And it's about answering all those 'Why's': Why can't I burp at the table? Why can't I yell, push, hit, etc.? Why is it wrong to say ____?

Like all of us, children learn best when they're taught and guided rather than yelled at. Believe me, when a child is in the throws of a tantrum or just not listening, it is very difficult to stay in control. But through my experiences as a mom, and what I've learned studying and practicing psychology, I've learned a few things to help make the process of discipline a bit easier. Allow me to share them with you.

Children aren't little adults. This is probably the number one rule in discipline. A child isn't an adult so we can't speak to them or treat them as one. We need to remember a child's age and speak to them at their developmental level-not necessarily their age level. For example, my eight-year old is at about the same level as her four-year old brother on a social level. So her understanding of certain things needs to be dealt with at that level.

Cool off before taking action. It's too easy to yell, scream or curse when your child breaks a lamp or is sassy. It's important to take a little time out to recompose yourself before taking action. After all, that's what you're trying to teach your child.

Use just enough words. The rule I follow is the younger the child, the fewer words you should use in disciplining. For my two-year-old, I'd say, "No hit, Sophie! OWIE to Jaimie!" Whereas for my six-year-old, I'd say, "Jordy, hitting is unacceptable. It hurts."

Don't just say, 'No'. Kids aren't going to understand why a behavior is wrong if you just tell them not to do it. It's important to tell them that what they are doing isn't proper then give them the behavior that is. For example, "You don't grab toys away. She had that first. We have to take turns: She had it first, then you."

Punishment should suit the action. Okay, punishment doesn't always mean a spanking or standing in the corner. If your child throws food on the floor, then you tell her she needs to help clean the mess. If he throws a tantrum when you say 'No' to something, you tell him we don't cry when we can't have what we want and if he can't stop, he needs some alone time. Here are a few pointers: (a) Remember that the purpose of punishment is to deter an inappropriate behavior while encouraging the appropriate one, like in the examples above. And the gentlest approach (depending on the situation, of course) is always the best one; (b) Lay down the law for more serious actions. In our house, for example, there is instant 'Time Out' for things like hitting, calling names or yelling at Mom or Dad. For this, we remove the child from the situation and put her in another room. No warnings, no chitchat, no negotiation; (c) Try not using her bedroom for punishment. There's too much fun stuff in there plus it's supposed to be a happy place. And the timeout should be approximately the length of time as their age. If you leave him too long, he won't remember why he's there; and (d) always remember to talk about why the punishment happened: "Do you know why you were put here?" Plus, this is a good time to talk about how the punishable action made others feel and also whatever feelings the child is experiencing.

We're all in it together. Discipline takes teamwork as well as a lot of patience and consistency. Both parents need to be on the same wavelength in terms of what forms of discipline should be used and when. Children need to expect the same from both parents and know that each child in the family has to follow the same rules with the same forms of discipline applied.

In the end, you'll have good days and bad ones when it comes to discipline. Just remember that you aren't just teaching your children to respect others; you're also teaching them to respect themselves and that life won't always go exactly how they want it to. You're giving them the tools today to be the strong, fair adults they'll become. And that's so important.