Six Tips for Step-Parents to Get Along with Step-Children

Step-parenting is a very difficult task, mostly because it takes time to develop a good relationship with step-children. Along the way there may be much bitterness and resentment. However, there are some things to keep in mind that can expedite this process. In this article, I describe six things that step-parents can do to get along better with their step-children.

Step-Parenting Tip #1 - Emphasize What You Are Not
One of the best things you can do as a step-parent is to emphasize to your step-children that you are not trying to replace their biological mother or father. Older children or children that have lost their biological mother or father will be especially wary of this prospect. Don't try to usurp biological parents. This includes asking to be called "Mom" or "Dad." Remind them that you care for them and will take care of them, but that you are not trying to replace anyone in their life.

Step-Parenting Tip #2 - Don't Be Afraid To Discipline Your Step-Children
Getting along with step-children does not mean that a step-parent allows them to do whatever they wish. As a step-parent, you must be willing to enforce boundaries as necessary. Defer to your spouse when it comes to deciding specific boundaries or punishments, at least until you get a sense of what is reasonable. Your job as a step-parent is not to be a friend to your step-children, but to provide structure, guidance, and support.

Step-Parenting Tip #3 - Refrain From PDA
So-called "public displays of affection" between you and your new spouse can be disturbing to step-children. At least for several years, try to keep these to a minimum. Your step-children need time to accept that you are with their biological parent. They do not need this fact played out in front of them constantly.

Step-Parenting Tip #4 - Get To Know Your Step-Children
Hopefully you've had time to acquaint yourself with each of your step-children and their individual interests and personalities. As a step-parent, you're playing catch-up. Take time to do activities that interest your step-children and do your best to bond with them. Your step-children will be much more accepting of you if you show interest in them as individuals.

Step-Parenting Tip #5 - Don't Take Things Personally
It's not uncommon for step-children to point out that step-parents are not their biological parents, and when this happens, it is usually not phrased so delicately. If you are a new step-parent, this doesn't spell disaster and it doesn't mean that you'll never be able to develop a relationship with your step-child. Try to consider your step-child's point of view and resist the temptation to take comments such as these personally. Be the more mature person.

Step-Parenting Tip #6 - Get Feedback From Your Spouse
When you feel that you've hit a roadblock or that things are not going well between you and your step-child, talk to your spouse. See if he or she can give you any advice or tips on getting along with your step-child, or perhaps act as a mediator in a conflict. He or she should not take sides, but rather should be an advocate for both you and his or her child.

Be persistent and don't give up on developing a good relationship with your step-children. It won't happen overnight, but it certainly can happen if you make an effort. Good luck step-parenting and thank you for reading!