Six Tips to Surviving When Your Mother and Your Spouse Don't Get Along

It's every man's nightmare, your newly-wedded wife and your always-been mother don't get along.

It's like Godzilla and Rodan in the same house.

What to do, what to do? It's a tete-offensive with the woman-you-came-from and the woman-you-go-to. And you, my friend, are stuck in the middle.

Luckily, all is not lost. Most uneasy relationships with mother-in-law and wifey are uneasy because they are two people who have suddenly been thrust into a family.

Also, it's not an easy relationship because they're women. To be exact, two of your women and if it was simple, what fun would there be?

So, here to help are six tips on surviving when your wife and your mother don't get along.

Tip #1 - Understand the situation - My girlfriend (wife-to-be) was always telling me about how uncomfortable she felt around my mom. The first time, I didn't notice it. I was really happy just to have them both around. DUH-guy moment.

My mom never spoke ill of her but she never spoke well of her either.

I had to step back and look.

Here was my girlfriend suddenly put before my mother, an elder with sheer intimidation, unintentional or not. Here we had my mom who was now looking at a young woman she did not know but knew was "taking her baby-boy."

You as Mr. man-in-the-middle needs to understand the emotions (I know, that's where we fail at times.) There are tides and waves, barrages and onslaughts of feelings flying around you. Three big ones are fear, uncertainty and jealousy. Whether she is your mom, your sister or your daughter, a woman wants to be Number #1. She may not verbalize it, nor even realize it but it's true.

Tip #2 - Take on the situation - Kind of - Do not go to either party and say "Hey, my mom thinks you don't like her" or vice-versa. Do this right after you pick out your burial plot.

We men like to drop into a situation, kick butt and handle things straight on. This endeavor is much more sensitive. To take on this situation is not to clear things head on but to recognize its presence. Women like to know that you know something is going on even if you cannot do anything directly about it save listen.

Tip #3 - Limit exposure - You love your wife. You love your mom. There's a part of you that wants them together in the same room. While you should listen to that part of you also listen to your watch. That old saying "familiarity breeds contempt" holds some weight here. If things are testy, do not have your wife and your mom sitting at a table for eight hours. Set visits when you know there are time limits, other events, etc so you're in and out without being rude.

Basically, spoon feed the two a little of each other at a time. You'll be surprised how well that can help them grow towards one another.

Tip #4 - Talk to your other half - Sitting with your mom and discussing this may be possible but most sons-and-mothers are one-way streets of conversation. Your mom talks to you and you listen, whether you agree or not, follow or disobey. There's a good chance you'll tell your mom she's being icy and she'll probably not see it and will resent (even more) the girl that stole you away in the night (dramatic but that's what she feels.)

More than likely, your other half will be more receptive to talking. Your relationship is on an equal level. Tell her how difficult the tension is for you and how you respect her for trying. This will allow her to know that it's not her being totally wrong and alone but side-by-side with the man she married.

Tip #5 - Don't let either side bad-mouth the other - This is important and very difficult (Of course.) If your wife does anything that your mom disapproves of (and she will) do not allow your mother to berate it. If it's how much dinner gets cooked, paying bills, raising the kids, whatever, they come from different generations and ways. By letting yourself be your mom's sounding board, you're telling her, on some weird level, that you're taking her side and your wife is a floor rug.

Politely but sternly disagree with your mother. Do this the first few times and she'll know there are guidelines, rules and a relationship she is to respect.

On the flipside, do not allow your wife to bad-mouth your mother. If your mom is rude or cold, listen to your spouse's vent but draw the line at any name calling or venomous attacks. If you do not, your wife will subconsciously understand your silence as acceptance and then it's open season on the woman who gave you life. Eventually this will go too far and you'll explode.

Let both sides know that you are now related to both of them and therefore demand respect for yourself and your relationships.

Tip #6 - Stay out of it - Yes, even though there are ways to handle this situation, stay out of it. Meaning you should avoid trying to beat this thing with a meeting, logic or any other way you would solve a problem. Use subtle actions and steps of passive maneuvering (listening, planning, etc.) Don't force them to like one another, they're not supposed to because they don't know each other. They fear one another and only time, hope and a lot of praying will bring them together.

It'll get better because they share two things: your love for them and their love for you.

Good luck!