Sleepover at Raina's: A Story of a Twelve Year Old

Vanessa sat down on her friend's bed, pushing away the Winnie the Pooh dolls and teddy bears that had accumulated from a childhood that seemed to be ending. Raina was kneeling in front of a stool with a towel on top of it, heating up an iron. She watched her quietly with a pretend attentiveness, as she rolled around a single thought through her head. I don't want to be here. She would have been perfectly happy sitting at home and watching TV or playing video games. In fact, she would have preferred it to anything she and Raina could possibly be doing tonight. But as she sat in front of the television, on one of the final and more difficult levels of Super Mario Brothers, her mother had given her that look, the look of half-pity and half-worry, and told her she should go out and have a sleepover, that she needed to go be young and play with her friends. Raina was a friend in the smallest sense of the word. Vanessa didn't go to her school, and she never felt comfortable around her condescending attitude. She was a friend from early childhood that just wouldn't go away, and Vanessa was forced to keep in touch mostly out of guilt than in hopes of a real relationship. Raina called her every other weekend and always suggested a sleepover. Is that really necessary, she always thought, can't we just hang out for a couple hours then call it a day? Vanessa had made up excuses for awhile, first blaming it on her parents, or some project for school, but the guilt started to build up with every phone call and she felt more and more transparent with each excuse. Finally she agreed. It was a Friday night, and she was a little bored. But now, sitting on the bed looking at posters of Winnie the Pooh tacked up next to posters of half naked Abercrombie guys, and gold-toothed rappers, she felt like the whole idea was a mistake. They were both growing up in totally different directions, and now had almost nothing in common. To make things worse, Vanessa was in a painfully awkward stage of life that Raina seemed to pass over in a week. She had just started shaving her legs, but she wasn't very good at it, and her hair was dark and unforgiving to her frequent oversights. She also had heavy dark brown eyebrows, that made her feel wolf-like and unattractive. She was afraid to even go near the beastly things with a pair of tweezers, since she proved to be an amateur when it came to removing unwanted hair. She could only imagine the horror of her mistakes literally printed all over her face. Her gangly body was void of any real shape, except for two goose bumps for breasts, and she felt inferior by the obvious contrast to Raina's shapely and somewhat plump body.

Raina was still kneeling in front of the stool. Her bleach-highlighted hair used to be as dark as Vanessa's, but it was always much longer and fuller. In a single motion she flung all of her hair onto the stool, and then picked up the iron. She ran the iron over her exposed hair carelessly as if she had done it a hundred times, getting what seemed dangerously close to her scalp. She finished in less than two minutes, and then flung her head back upright. Her hair was pin-straight, and longer than normal as she brushed it out. Vanessa was somewhat impressed how the new hair-do managed to make her look more grown-up, definitely not like a twelve year old.

"Anthony likes it like this." She said smiling and looking at herself in the mirror. "C'mon, let's do yours now. We're going to The Eagle tonight and I told Anthony to bring a friend." She was talking to Vanessa, but she never took her eyes off her own reflection.

Vanessa took her hair out of the ponytail her mother had put it in. Her hair was thin and wavy, and looked malnourished next to Raina's. She flung it onto the stool and let Raina iron it out.

"There, that actually looks okay."

Vanessa smiled as she looked in the mirror, but suddenly dreaded the thought of meeting up with some random guys. "Are your parents going to let us go to The Eagle?" The Eagle was an under-eighteen club in the middle of a crummy little city next to Vanessa's town. Basically, kids went there to dance with each other without any supervision, and do anything else they couldn't do at dances. Vanessa had never even been to a school dance before, and was uneasy about what to expect at this place. Raina smiled at Vanessa's question, sensing her edginess.

"They're going to drop us off at the dance at my school. The teachers won't let Anthony in though because he doesn't go there and he's older, so we're going to meet up with him."

Raina went into a drawer in her desk and pulled out a bag full of makeup. Vanessa didn't like to wear makeup, or even to dress up. She'd been a tomboy her whole life, and despised being treated like a doll. Raina planted herself in front of the mirror and began lining her lips with thick, dark brown lip liner.

"Guys love this stuff," she said as she did it, concentrating as if she were creating a masterpiece. When Vanessa thought she was finished, she applied a light, creamy lipstick, and then lined her lips again with the brown stuff. It looked to Vanessa like she had just eaten a bowl full of chocolate pudding. Raina handed her the bag.

"C'mon," she said, "we have to dress you up so we can find you a man." She winked, and Vanessa felt like she was going to vomit. She didn't want to go look for boys. She didn't feel attractive, and could only see her bushy eyebrows and hairy upper lip whenever she looked in the mirror. Raina started putting on foundation, as Vanessa pretended to search through the bag. She pulled out a tube of dark red lipstick and started to put it on. She used the corner of the mirror not taken up by Raina's head and felt embarrassed by her effort to look sexy. The only thing she had let touch her lips before then was chapstick, and she was extremely careful not to make herself look like the beginner that she was. She decided it looked alright, even though it seemed far away from any significant improvement.

"By the way, I already have a boyfriend." The way it came out of her mouth immediately sounded like a lie, but she couldn't take back the words. It was a last attempt to get Raina to take her home, or at least give up on going to The Eagle. They were walking down the street in the middle of the night, looking for Anthony or a pay phone to call him. It was the middle of November, and the chilly wind seemed to make the streets blacker and more unwelcoming than they already were. The only sounds were the bass pounding on the insides of passing cars, and Raina's high heels clicking against the icy pavement. Neither of them had considered bringing a coat; it didn't show off anything according to Raina. So they were folding their arms across their chests and trying to retain warmth in their low plunging, tight sleeveless tanks. Vanessa had borrowed the shirt from Raina, and the thin, black fabric hung loose on her bra-less chest. It just didn't seem to look right with the baggy jeans and sneakers that she had been wearing all day, but Raina didn't have any pants or shoes that fit her.

"What's your boyfriend's name then?" Raina said, feeling confident and cocky that Vanessa was obviously lying. Vanessa hesitated, distracted by the cold and the misery of the whole situation.

"Um, Ben." She felt a lump sink in the pit of her stomach. She knew she couldn't get a boyfriend, but she felt a shameful sting with embarrassment whenever her friends thought so also. She did have a crush on a boy named Ben in her new school, but he was a grade above her and didn't even know she existed.

Raina laughed at the name, saying it over in a mocking tone, "Ben?", but then seemed to instantly forget the whole conversation. "Look there's a payphone over there, let's page Anthony." Vanessa agreed, not wanting to admit that she was scared about being in the city this late at night. She and Raina crossed the street just as a car full of teenage guys pulled up to the stoplight. They started hooting and making clicking noises with their tongues as they walked by.

Raina turned around to look at them, and they started saying, "Come here baby girl. Let me have your number." The other boys continued to click their tongues as if she were a cat or some kind of animal.

Raina called out, "You guys need to learn how to call a girl over, then when you do I'll give you my number." They all laughed and begged some more for her to come over, and she made flirty gestures toward them as she told them they didn't have a chance, until they eventually drove away. Vanessa the whole time was terrified, convinced that the guys were going to make her and Raina ride with them whether they wanted to or not, but Raina appeared to be flattered by the whole approach. She finally picked up the phone in a booth next to a grungy liquor store, and punched in the number for the payphone. She hung up, and they both leaned against the wall, cold and impatient. Vanessa shivered and rubbed her arms. Raina pulled out a cigarette, and asked a guy coming out of the liquor store for a light.

"Why isn't he calling?" said Vanessa, wanting more than ever to go home, but not wanting to admit it. Raina didn't look happy, but she didn't act concerned. She puffed her cigarette a few times, not inhaling but making an effort to appear as if she knew exactly what she was doing.

"Let's just walk to The Eagle, we'll call him again when we get there."

"Have you started having sex yet?" Raina asked Vanessa after they had been walking twenty minutes.

"No." Vanessa didn't like the question. She hadn't even kissed a boy yet, and didn't even know what to do beyond that. It made her uncomfortable to think that anyone her age was already having sex. "Have you?" Just before Raina could answer, The Eagle came into view.

"Finally!" She yelled and we ran over.

The club was dark and full of kids of unknown ages. The guys all had facial hair on young, pimpled faces, and the girls still had baby fat that spilled out of tight jeans, and thick makeup that could be seen under clouds of smoke. Couples were making out in dark corners, while others were rubbing their bodies against each other on the dance floor. Raina rushed past everybody, squinting over every person with increasing disappointment. "I have to find Anthony!" She left Vanessa on the dance floor, and went in search of a payphone. Hip-hop music was blasting, and despite her discomfort and ugly mood, she began dancing in order to fit in with the crowd. As time passed and there was still no sign of Raina, she decided not to care about anything or anyone, and started dancing like she did at home in front of the mirror when no one else was around. A girl came over smiling, and complemented her.

"You got some moves girl!" she yelled over the music.

Vanessa smiled at her and let the flattering remark sink in. For the first time all night she actually felt good about herself. The same girl started dancing next to her as she glanced around the room. Then she grabbed Vanessa's arm, and pulled her close to her.

"Let's grind up against that guy, three-way!" She yelled into Vanessa's ear. Vanessa felt her shyness creep back up and grip her by the gut.

"Okay!" she yelled back against her better judgment.

The girl was wearing a short skirt, and had pencil thin eyebrows on a face covered in orange makeup. Her breasts were huge and practically falling out of her tube top. She grabbed a guy by the waist that was dancing near her, and started rubbing up close on his pelvis. She threw her hands around his neck, and pulled his head towards her lips as she rubbed her hips into him. Then she looked over at Vanessa and pointed behind him, suggesting that she do the same thing on the other side of him. Vanessa was shy and completely out of her element, but she didn't want the girl to think she was a coward. She held onto the idea that maybe she was a good dancer, and decided to try and do what the girl suggested. She started dancing behind the guy, but she was afraid to touch him in the same way the other girl was. Actually, she was afraid to touch him at all. So, she danced behind him, feeling a little dumb, and realizing that the guy didn't even know she was back there. Then another kid, who she assumed was a friend of his, tapped him on the shoulder and whispered something in his ear. The guy dancing turned around and saw Vanessa, who stopped dancing and just stood there as if she had been caught doing something she shouldn't have. The guy looked her over, made a face as if he were both confused and disgusted, then said, "What the fuck," as he moved away to continue dancing with the other girl. Vanessa felt her heart pound through her chest, and suddenly felt as if everyone were staring and laughing at her, even though she couldn't bring herself to see if it were actually true. She left the dance floor and searched for Raina, determined to get rid of her shame by leaving this awful night behind her. She felt anger rising with each thought, first at the girl for not noticing the obvious differences between them, and not realizing that no one would want to dance with her, and then at Raina for using her as an excuse to see a guy that her parents didn't approve of. She pushed her way out the front door, not bothering to say "excuse me" or "sorry" like she normally would, and feeling hardened by her hurt feelings. Raina was making out with an older guy in front of the entrance. Her dark pudding lips had left greasy brown marks all over his face and neck. Vanessa stared at them, waiting for them to notice her and to see that she wasn't having a good time, but they didn't even look in her direction. She wasn't even sure if that was Anthony or just some guy Raina pulled out of the club. Feeling defeated, she sat on the curb and waited for them to finish.

Laying in Raina's bed among the dolls and plush, pink pillows, Vanessa couldn't sleep. Her straight hair smelled like cigarettes, and Raina smelled as if she'd been doused with cheap cologne. She thought about Raina and how it was almost tragic the way she didn't care about any of the things that she used to. She missed the days when it wasn't the cool thing to have a boyfriend, and they could talk about other things besides guys, or how far they had gotten with guys, or how they could dress, or what they could do to get guys to notice them. She felt her happy, short-lived childhood slipping away, and she hated the new world that awaited her. She missed the innocence that was soon to be lost, if it wasn't lost already.

Vanessa sat quietly in her mom's mini-van, tired and wanting nothing more than to go home. "So, how was the sleepover?" Vanessa mumbled that it was okay, feeling ashamed and disgusted with herself. Her mom smiled, blissfully unaware of anything she and Raina had done that night.

"I miss sleepovers. Did you girls do each other's hair and makeup, and talk about boys?"

Vanessa shrugged at the irony. "Yeah mom, that's exactly what we did."