Slow Oyster

Okay. Purse. Check. Laptop. Check. Coffee mug. Ooh, I hate when these bangs do whatever the hell they please - just a few days after leaving the salon. It's kind of retro but what time period, I'm really not sure. My bangs are straight and spiky, the rest sits upright in a cascading sea of curls in an insane shade of auburn. I almost look like a Lucy Ricardo imposter except my hips (nor anything else on me) has much of a shape.

Sometimes, I get a kick out of making these radical changes because everything else about me is kind of bland. I work as a grade school librarian and write freelance articles on the side. I've had the same set of friends since high school and the same boyfriend since junior prom. We all know each other like the TV Guide but I love them anyway.

Yet, in recent I have had these crazy impulses to do something completely off the wall. It's not just a thought or something noted on my mental 'To Do' list. In the past year or so, the need to make a change has been as necessary as a drink of water. Like this hair. For more than 20 years, I was happy with my stringy, mousey brown, waist-length tresses and then out of nowhere, I look like a stop signal with legs.

Getting back to my extreme urges. It hits me more often and every time I act on one thing, another pops in my head within 24 hours. This reached a new height when I went to a friends' bridal shower recently. She got teased by some of the guests because the groom was an unemployed actor/musician/model and that he was paying for his share of the wedding expenses on their honeymoon. At first, the bride-to-be was really mad but after a few glasses of champagne, she began to give us very vivid details about how this guy made her forget her worst days. Hmm, a person could have sex with their knees behind their ears. Now some old dude is staring at me; maybe it's because I got my stubby index finger in my mouth and there's a drop of droll by my chin.

Walking through the library, I realize the one thing I like best about my job is no dress code. Today I've got on a simple white men's shirt, a red tank top underneath, worn jeans and red Chuck Taylor high tops. Nothing like comfort and I'm feeling so good today that I'm gonna turn up Green Day on my boom box. Doing my little skip dance, my mind began to run the gamut from what I should do with my hair next to what kind of dude is Billie Joe Armstrong.

My moment of losing myself was cut short by the most luscious woman I had ever seen in my life. She seemed to pop out of nowhere and just stood in the doorway watching me, carefully.

"Hi, can I help you?", my voice quivering.

"Yez, I'm Miss Tijero and I sub for de first grade class. I wanted to see if we were on de schedule to come see you today," her smile alone made me melt a little.

"Nice to meet you, I'm Miss Tisdale. Your class is set to come in 10:00 am but if that's a problem I have a 2:00 slot that is always open. Most classes stay for half an hour which includes selection and checkout time. Your class is not large but they are a big ball of energy. The method I found works best is for the teacher to select books and have students pick from that selection."

"Tisdale, dat's cute. Hmm...we're both T and T," she purred with lowered eyes.

"Huh?", I was completely confused.

"We will see you sometime today. It's so warm in here, aren't you hot?"

I almost told her that she was just steamy but instead, "Uh... not really. I'm anemic so I get cold really easy," lying with a smile and shrug.

When she turned to walk out the door, I saw the most perfectly round butt ever. It didn't bounce yet it seemed soft. Now, I'm not a lesbian because I have a boyfriend though Matt and I are more brother and sister than lovers. Not that he's bad but he's a big dork who likes computers, video games and other gadgets that have to be programmed or need an upgrade after 18 months of use. It's just that he never thinks about foreplay or anything exciting. I've never cheated on him and don't plan to yet these urges are about to send me somewhere that I'm not sure I want to leave.

It was another day from hell where 5th graders wanted to check out "No David" or "Cat in the Hat", 1st graders wanted something from the Harry Potter series and the teachers were off smoking or chatting on their cell phones. It was now 3:00 and almost time for me to punch out. I was so stoked about going home to a glass of wine and something silly on cable that I forgot a certain someone had not paid me a visit. Maybe one of the kids sent her home in tears or she broke a nail.

R.E.M. was blasting in the background while I sorted books and cleaned since the custodian complains forever about doing anything besides emptying trash. As I was about to put everything outside the door so I won't have to look at his depressing mug, the front door flew open. It stayed that way for about 15 seconds. My first thought was that one of the kids was playing around so I dropped everything and ran until I saw a shapely leg propping the door.

When I looked around, it was Ms. Tijero trying to hold the door and two dozen books at the same time. I was still a little amped when I stepped forward and found myself really close to her cleavage. She was breathing really hard which made her girls seem as if they were going to pop out of her cashmere shirt. Once I took her books, she started fanning herself with her hands, then the top of her shirt exposing almost half of her 34D's.

Before I go any further, let me give you the rundown about Miss Tijero. She is not beautiful like Cindy Crawford or some Miss America type. Nor do Eva Longoria or Jennifer Lopez. She has the most perfectly arched feet, curvy calves that aren't muscular, an hour-glass shape that was copied from Halle Berry and large brown eyes that seem to look right inside a person. Oh yeah, she stole her lips from Angelina Jolie. All coated in my favorite flavor, caramel.

Now very animated with fanning herself and knows it too because she starts to laugh hard. Also has the nerve to have dimples and perfect twhite eeth.

Maintaining my professionalism, I smiled while asking, "Would you like to check out anything this afternoon?"

"Yez Ms. Tisdale, do you have something long and boring like Moby Deek".

"Moby Dick is recommended for upper grades. That'll put the little ones to sleep."

"Honey, that's my point."

We both fell out laughing as I realized she was the only beautiful woman I knew who didn't seem to be self-conscious or vain to let her guard down.

"But seriously, dey have no respect for authority 'dese days, no?"

"Miss Tijero, I have a suggestion", I learned the hard way about having these kinds of discussions with teachers. It could turn into a debate that would continue until next week or my words would be taken out of context, "The Sissy Duckling by Harvey Fierstein, you know the actor? Anyway, he wrote a book that teaches a unique lesson about individuality. I also have the DVD here if reading aloud isn't getting it."

"Thank you sweetie, could you put all dat in a bag? Here's my card."

As it turned out, the only copy was on a display case so I grabbed a step stool. With one step, I grabbed the book and turned about face. Coming down, Miss Tijero stood just inches away.

"Hi." I grinned shyly while walking to the checkout desk.

"Ms. Tisdale, how long have you worked for de school?"

"This is my third year. I started off in the office, then I was an after-school tutor in my senior year of college but since I love read better than teach, I settled here." Whew, I never talk that much to anyone whose first name I don't know.

"You love to read, eh?"

Nodding nervously, I was on guard for a lecture about how the world needs more teachers.

"You single, married...?"

"I have someone, Matt. We've known each other since junior high but have been seeing each other for years. Don't plan on being a bride anytime soon though."

Looking at me with much intensity, she sat down on the counter and whispered, "Dat's nice sweetie, dat's very nice."

I couldn't figure out if she was being sarcastic or what so I just handed her the package.

"I've been married eh...two years now. He's good guy. Pays de mortgage, automobiles and we go out of town three times a year - by plane!"

"I'd say you got a helluva catch."

"Yez, like I said he good guy, no skeezies, loves his momma and all that. It's just that...we don't talk. I mean we speak every day but he never wants to hear what I have to say. After work, he say 'Let's go out for dinner and catch movie', I want my Masters' but he wants babies. Nothing get taken care of, he just go to sleep"

For the first time, I saw Miss Tijero for what she was - just a woman who with her own desires that could not be bought at the mall. Her dude probably thought she was just a hot little mink that he could show off to other men. I suddenly became interested in knowing her - not just my co-worker.

It was now twenty minutes past the time for me to leave but teachers tend to stay late shooting the breeze so why can't I. Playing hostess with a package of unopened organic sandwich cookies, we went over to the reading corner and lay across several bean bags and floor pillows. Shortly after, we were giggling (and gossiping) about different staff members, life and how funny my high tops looked next to her Jimmy Choo stilettos. After an additional ninety minutes, the sun faded and the sound of keys entering the door interrupted our slumber party.

The janitor had a naturally grouchy face, stubby body and of course, he was beyond middle age. While running to the door, I had to think fast about what excuse I was going to use so that he would have no reason to set foot inside. My negotiation method was to just tell him that I would empty my own trash this evening. When he gave me the side eye, I just closed the door quickly - not giving him time to complain. When I turned around, the lights went off altogether.

"Nobody needs to see us", Miss Tijero said with an attitude.

I got excited and nervous at the same time. If we were at my place, this would be the perfect time for a joint.

"What's wrong mami?"

"You don't have any weed do you?"

She gave me this smile that she probably gives her students often that says,' Now you know better than that.' After a mock shaking of her head, her fuzzy, cream-colored top came off to reveal the most beautiful, bra-clad breasts I had ever seen in my life. And yes, her girls were the real thing.

"I didn't want to wrinkle my blouse," she mumbled under her breath while folding over her sweater. Whatever; I did not care and was having a good time just checking out the view.

I plopped back on the pillows and she joined me - just inches away but instead of facing the ceiling, I could feel her breath on my cheek. While I just lay there, the following went through my head - Isn't it really bad to mess around with a co-worker? What the hell I am I gonna do if I find out I'm a lesbian? What will my boyfriend think? What if the janitor sees us and wants to join in?

Suddenly, I felt Miss Tijero's lips on mine with her right hand caressing my face. The only thing I felt bad about was that I did not have nice, full lips like hers to return the kiss. With even the slightest move, her mouth was tightly suctioned to mine. Her kisses were hot and moist but she never used her tongue or parted lips to get some air.

The streetlights coming on meant that it was now after 5pm and it was past time to break up the fun. The school principal does her final check before locking down and turning on the alarms. I had no problem explaining why I was still here until I caught my new lover staring hard at me.

"Is my fly open?"

"No but you should've gotten comfortable like me, chica. You got cute nipples though," she whispered through giggles.

Looking at a nearby wall mirror, I saw two pencil erasers protruding from my visibly damp shirt. I was beyond shocked.

"Sweetie, we gotta get outta 'ere now. Get your purse and let's hope that crazy cleanup man did not lock us in here with the principal." Miss Tijero threw on her top like it was going to be a dust rag by next week instead of precious yarn fabric.

She grabbed me and fortunately, our cars were not locked inside the school lot. As we walked, her mood turned serious and she did not crack a bit of a smile.

"I'm so glad I have someone to talk to about 'dese things. Sometimes that all a gal really needs is for someone to listen," she said.

While I was trying to figure out if her lashes were real or not, she grabbed my face, "Hey, you. Listen to me!"

"Yeah...public schools are not like they were when we were in school. Teachers are here for a paycheck, administrators are allocating the budget for themselves and Matt wants me to join him in corporate America. Like that'll happen."

"See, dat's what I mean. We need to go out sometime," then she paused "but not tonight, I have dinner party and I'm very, very hungry."

"How long are you here for?" I asked, wondering how hungry she was and for what.

"As long as I want to be here," On that note, she kissed me hard on the cheek and took off in her black sports car.

Over the next few days, Miss Tijero visited the library by herself. I knew why and had no problem covering for her class as far as the principal was concerned. Most of the time, she was cordial but every so often, brief hugs would evolve into moments of lengthy caressing or she would give my butt a quick spank. After a while, she would suggest that I join her and her husband for an oyster dinner sometime. I like seafood okay but I'm more of a burger and fries gal. She urged that her style of dinner was like no other and just as we were about to exchange numbers, one of her kids ran into a wall. He was out cold which meant an ambulance had to be called and Miss Tijero would have other concerns. I prayed that she would not take the situation too hard.

The next week I was surprised to see a new second grade sub teacher who cared more about her hair could laying flat than being there to teach. Since Spring Break was around the corner, I didn't pay her much attention as I began to outline my summer plans in my head

When Break came around, Matt and I stole a few late evenings together getting to know ourselves on a different level. Tonight, we went to my favorite restaurant but instead of my usual burger, I got the fried seafood bucket. This contained about a dozen of the following - clams, cod nuggets, small shrimp and something with a soft but unfamiliar texture that had a bitter aftertaste. After my second bite, I began to enjoy it and asked the waiter to bring me another bucket. Matt just shook his head while mumbling that I need a vacay from weed. Out of nowhere, popped Ms. Tijero and her husband, who stared at me most of the time they were at our table. Since they had a ten minute wait, we invited them to visit and that 's when I realized that her husband looked like a broke Ron Howard - not ugly but plain like most redheads. While Matt tried to have a men's conversation with dude about the new iPod docking stations, gas barbeques or who's gonna win the playoffs - he just sat transfixed on me like knew something.

When their table was called, Miss Tijero left with these parting words, "I knew you liked oyster but maybe you weren't ready yet. That's why you got oyster now 'cause it's not on menu, see?", she pointed to the appetizer section while looking deep at my face, "but honey, let me tell you, they got nothing like my oyster! Call me." They disappeared in the crowd as quickly as they arrived.

I suddenly tasted everything I ate that day including the two buckets of seafood. I couldn't handle dessert and was seriously confused. I looked at Matt and he looked right back at me. After five minutes, he broke the silence.

"Well, looks like Ashton's gonna join her man in corporate America where there are no low wages, no bad kids, hopefully fewer mood changes, lots of perks and most importantly, no oyster!"