Smart Thinking

The current generation needs a key to the deeper mysteries of life, like, how to work a computer correctly. To get into certain work websites, certificates need to be enabled, a loud and nose-blowing woman with glasses needs to be called for "further assistance" and your computer needs to be trimmed for better performance. What is actually needed is what I like to refer to as a tool for better human performance. This tool was previously introduced in one of my cartoon adventures and it's called the Slap-U-Meter, which is a device that works with underhanded cunning to stimulate the mind. What it does, is it measures intelligence on a scale and attached to it is a hand with a white glove. Whenever some un-intellectual phrase is uttered or it senses a corruption in what is known as "moral" or normal thought, it spins around on its axis (which is a round scale) and slaps whoever uttered nonsense or when it deems it necessary that some fool deserves a slap for whatever reason.

In retrospect, the Slap-U-Meter, although first introduced as a means for comic relief, so that some may have a good time, is a brilliant invention. It doesn't count as punishment through pain because the pain is self-inflicted. You think the wrong thought and the hand to the cheek adjusts your thinking. It doesn't count as a form of parental grounding because it reaffirms your status as a ground-loving human. The fleeing character isn't chased by the Slap-U-Meter because it is a device but why would you flee from something that subjects the mind to adjust itself to progress in a positive way? Admittedly, the character who kept receiving the "moral" punishment broke the machine eventually but he did it in such a way that it made him look smart. After all, the most brilliant thing you could do to a Slap-U-Meter is break it. It's been slapping you for being dumb but that's a contradiction in terms. It's been slapping you because you haven't been smart enough to break it earlier. With this in mind, it's a wonder that the Slap-U-Meter doesn't work continuously (it keeps slapping you after slapping you once because if you're going to let it slap you, then you're not that smart).

And that, my friends, is how to recuperate from the eventual problems of internet surfing which requires certificates. I'd rather use a coupon to tell you the truth.