Snoring as a Fine Art and Twelve Other Essays

Albert Jay Nock, Snoring as a Fine Art and Twelve Other Essays, West Rindge (NH): Richard R. Smith, 1958.

It's rare that I will praise a book that's almost as old as I am but, in my anything but humble opinion, Alfred Nock's Snoring as a Fine Art represents one of the 20^th Century's greatest contributions to the literature of cynicism and is most deserving of the high honor of being mentioned in the same breath as Mark Twain's Innocents Abroad or even George Orwell's Animal Farm.

The title essay, "Snoring as a Fine Art andthe Claims of General M. I. Kutusov as an Artist," provides the answer to one of the greatest mysteries in the history of modern warfare: Why didn't the Russians finish off what was left of Napoleon Bonaparte's Grande Armée as it retreated from Moscow during the Winter of 1812? Or, as Nock poses the question:

"The one thing which perhaps has been most bothersome to historians, especially Russian historians, is that if the Russian commander had done everything that they all assume a good general should have done, he could have made a most spectacular military success. He did none of those things, however, though everyone expected them. The Tsar expected them; so did the court and all Russian officialdom, and the entire Russian staff; and so, above all, did the French...

"On the great retreat from Moscow, he [Kutusov] could have captured Napoleon, Murat, Davout, Ney, anyone he liked, a dozen times over. He could have cut off the retreat, devastated the French army, slaughtered thousands, taken prisoners wholesale and raised the devil generally, all to the praise and glory of holy Russia..."

The "he" and the "Kutusov" parts of the essay refer to Field Marshal Prince Mikhail Ilarionovitch Kutusov-Smolensky, who had commanded the Russian forces against Napoleon at Austerlitz (he lost); commanded the Russian Army against the Turks in 1810-1811 (he won), and was commander in chief against Napoleon in 1812 (a tie), which gave Kutusov a somewhat less-than-enviable 1-1-1 record before the concept of two groups of men fighting on ice became better known as the National Hockey League.

Another of Nock's gems is "What the American Votes For," which begins with this description of his frame of mind:

"... But what was I to vote for? An issue? There was none. You could not get a sheet of cigarette-paper between the official positions of the two parties. A candidate? Well, who were they? Both of them seemed to me to be mediocre timeserving fellows who would sell out their immortal souls, if they had any, for a turn at place and power, and throw in their risen Lord for good measure... As I approached the polls my resentment of this nonsense grew stronger and stronger, and when I arrived I deliberately wrote in a vote for Jefferson Davis of Mississippi."

I could go on and on about this largely unknown book, but that would deprive you of the joy that will come from reading this ~200 pages of sheer brilliance for yourself. Trust me again on this one because it doesn't get much better than Snoring as a Fine Art.