Snuggies and Slankets: Officially the Greatest Invention of Our Time

When I am sitting on a plane, pondering how many days it's been since the tank top wearing individual next to me last had a shower, I often help pass the time by flipping through a fantastic magazine called SkyMall. For those not familiar, Skymall is a collection of useless crap where inventions go to die and, when opened, screams "Are You F---ing Kidding Me?"

Only at 10,000 feet, a 3 hour layover, and considering the consumption of three tiny bags of peanuts "just enough" and four bags as "gluttony" do the following products make a lick of sense in modern society:

Battery Powered Vest (Too cold or just a complete p--sy?)$199.99!

Slippers with Headlights - (Walk in complete darkness because turning on a light is too difficult!)

Lasercomb! (Shoots radiation all over your scalp to cure baldness, possibly gives you cancer, or just looks like you're playing fighting an epic laser battle in the bathroom!)$495.99!

2 Foot Garden Yeti! (Protects you from trespassing garden gnomes and confirms to your neighbors that you're out of your f---ing mind!) $139.99!

While perusing the Skymall Idiot's Almanac, things may pop in your head like "Why didn't I think of that?"

I understand your pain. Let me give you an example.

Last week, Molly, my Pointer/Lab/Lucifer mix, went completely bats--t while I was at work. Besides chewing the door frame, clawing on my new leather couch, eating everything in my kitchen trash can, and then puking the consumed trash all over my bedroom floor she also pulled off one more spectacular move:

She somehow tore a huge gaping hole in my middle of my new overpriced Pottery Barn comforter.

My first thought, besides if the humane society was still open, was how much the repair was going to cost. What I didn't know is that I could've taken a picture of the comforter, sent it to the patent office, and sold it on TV or in Skymall magazine.

Meet the new blanket, just like the old blanket -- except this one comes with a HOLE. They are called Slankets and Snuggies and they have sold OVER 4 MILLIONS UNITS. And according to the ads, entire families have been fiending to sit around the house, or attend a sporting event wearing blankets in a rainbow of colors with their f---ing heads sticking out and clutching a Pabst.

Here's the sales pitch for Snuggies: "Blankets are OK but they can slip and slide, plus your hands are trapped inside!"

This solves the claustrophobic and restricted arm movement issues I have had for decades regarding quilts..... hell, even afghans! I should've had my had my dog attack my blanket years ago! Watch the ads on Youtube that confirm we are a confederacy of dunces. While you;re at it, make sure to purchase a Sham-Wow!