So You Decided to Coach Club Soccer: Part I

Once you've donned the crest and colors of the club which you are planning to coach, either voluntarily or professionally, it is important to remember that this journey you're about to go on has had legions of well-meaning coaches fall by the wayside and choke on their whistles.

On the other hand, some have succeeded beyond their wildest dreams and gone on to years filled with "World's Greatest Coach" T-shirts and trophies that collect dust in an attic somewhere. Ah, what proud moments. Your wife must be so happy that you have used your degree in communication in such a way!

But no matter how you look at it you've decided to coach club soccer, so you may as well have some information, right? Right???

Here's something for you to choke on first. Once upon a time I knew this guy fresh out of college, coaching his first team and placing his fastest player at forward. Think he knew better? Course not! Not as a person new to youth club soccer. This guy, who fancied wearing sweatsuits, a whistle around his neck and a stopwatch, won a few games at the time, only to have the little speedster become average in his later years compared to the other hard-working players who learned to play other positions. What happened to my bestest little player?!?

So, that particular philosophy may win games from ages 9 to 11, but has little or no bearing in the more crucial teens. Or so I've heard.

Once upon another time a young, dumb coach loaded up his club team with talented players, only to have its stars bolt for greener pastures in the middle of the season because the team did not win enough games. Word on the street was that a parent of one player conspired against the very foundation that was that team and so it crumbled.

And finally on another occasion a star player got a taste of success in the Olympic Development Program, the gateway to the national teams system in the United States, only to have a rival coach snap him up. Word on that street was he really liked to win games and so lo be it to anyone to stop him from his destiny. After all, you know, we make boatloads of money as coaches!

Guess what? All of these events happened to ME in the years I've coached club and there are new battles being fought everyday, with parents and referees but mostly with my wife. But I'm here to tell you that if you persist in your quest to mold these children into something their families would be proud of, you just may. You may also turn them into spoiled little prima donnas who think they're the next Ronaldinho (true dat, as the kids like to say) and so it's anybody's guess as to what happens to you!

But that's the beauty of the profession/hobby/obsession.

I'm not here to tell you that I'm a coach who has won trophies and awards. I have, however, I'm also here to tell you that every coach has experienced defeat to some degree whether he or she knows it--and whether or not that result has showed in the score line is immaterial.

Time to get serious now, folks. Managing the game, then, becomes the real issue at hand and those battles within the game are won and lost, one excruciating, mind-blowing, gum-snapping journey at a time.

(Please insert favorite inspirational saying here)

Mine is "You're gonna hate me when I'm through with you!" - Iron Mike Ditka in Kicking and Screaming

OK seriously, there is something more important to coaching youth club soccer than any score might indicate--and that's did you remember to bring the postgame snacks.

OK, that's enough. Have you prepared the kids to play at a higher level? No, you haven't, because you haven't even started coaching yet! Because the day will come when these kids, like it or not, will move on and you need to be prepared for this eventuality, if you are crazy enough to be coaching two or three seasons from now.

For now here are some of the larger battles you will fight during your first preseason as a youth club coach.

Tryouts

You'll hold this meeting of minds at a neutral site, preferably. Hopefully you are there to select the kids you want. But, if you really want to roll the dice don't bother showing up. The other coaches will thank you for your generosity.

If you are going, great. A tryout can be the equivalent of a cattle auction. Tons of kids are herded into an area with a ball and some vests of different colors and you're supposed to know which one is good.

At tryouts there are lots of dudes with clipboards and serious looks on their faces. If you were to look on their papers it would resemble Patton's battle plans before taking over Europe circa WWII.

If you try to mess with these fellows while they're trying to build their teams you may as well count on losing at least one testicle and perhaps one of the best players on your sheet of paper, who at the moment is in shirt No. 44556.

This is an important number that has been carefully selected through weeks of deliberation by the tryout committee of soccer moms, whose job is to have something important to do. If you choose not to hold a tryout, please read my later article "So You Decided Not To Tryout Your Team: A Lesson In Stupidity Sponsored By Loserade."

Often you have hardly any idea of who you actually selected until the kid comes over to you and says "I'm on your team." That's probably not the way to go at your first tryout. You'll want to have an idea of who to select within the first 30 minutes of the tryout. Identify the best players as soon as you possibly can and write down their numbers. Forget about evaluating them further and move on to the next group.

If possible have those you're thinking about selecting play against the weakest group to determine if any players from the lower group can compete against your better players. If they can you need to consider these players, for they could constitute your role players on your roster. At this point you should have 6-8 of the best players, 4-6 middle players and 4-6 of the lower players to make up your team.

As for goalkeepers, the position is so specialized that you can identify one or two at the tryout, if you're lucky. But as a new coach it is often better to find 2-3 players who are willing to learn how to play (this is important, trust me) the position.

Most clubs have a goalkeeper trainer and that person has usually had considerable experience at the position so it's something you need not worry about.

So it looks like you have a team! Well, that's not true; you must first verify who you've selected with the soccer mom committee. If their husbands haven't already picked up the kids you're desiring, then you're good to go! You have a team!!

If you are missing a few from your core of 18 players you can always choose to hold individual tryouts for your team at your first few practices. Ask the players to bring some of their friends to try out.

Tryouts can be a stressful experience for some, but if you are respectful to the kids during the process and like to have a little fun, it can be enjoyable for both you and them! At the end of the process thank them for coming out and make sure you have their contact information so you can notify them of the results.

If your club posts results on their Web site, then just go over the Web address with the players and make sure they check it in the days to come to see if they made the team. If your club has a heart (and some don't) then all of the players at the tryout will be selected to a team and everyone will go home happy.

Team meeting

The information you want to convey to the parents at this meeting is that you care about their kids. Fail to do that, and well, you can FORGET about that "World's Greatest Coach" T-shirt as well as extra snacks for you post game.

And that would really stink, now wouldn't it? So you must tell them you care about their child's well-being and that you desire to make Junior better than the best player in the history of the United States of America.

Fail to do that, and forget to add in that you're traveling to some really cool tournaments and you are just asking for trouble!

If you are willing to take the next step you can also go Coach Carter on them and tell them that they've done a crappy job as parents and now it's your turn to mold their bratty kids into docile human beings.

But you need considerable backup for that, like a board of directors and a really official-looking official to frighten them into doing anything, including forking over thousands of dollars for some games, a nice uniform and promises of stardom.

You also need to set a schedule and stick to it. If you wish to hold practices on Tuesdays and Thursdays at 4 p.m., for example, it would be my utmost suggestion that you stay with that routine throughout the season.

There is nothing worse than a soccer mom calling your house 15 times in one minute because you, the coach, are two minutes late and SHE has to ferry two other kids to their piano and violin lessons.

Now they're late and you, my friend, are in trouble! Here is where you also lay down the law, explaining the rules, guidelines and culture your team/club has set forth.

No biting, scratching, kicking, swearing and throwing things and these are just the rules for the parents.

It is a good idea to have somebody familiar with these laws there to explain what in the hell you are talking about.

This can be a tense time, particularly if you have parents glaring holes through your forehead. But you can get back at them, too!

Take the time to seek out these parents and appoint them as team officers, if necessary, for there are always jobs to do, such as making phone calls that you usually make, setting up phone trees and organizing fundraisers, the latter of which is a necessary component of any traveling club team--unless Trump is your sponsor.

Assigning two parents as assistant coaches is also a splendid idea, since you never know what will happen in the course of a match. Head coaches get tossed from games all the time, you know. And I should know.

This really is your one chance to go over everything before the whistle blows, and woe be to the coach who glosses over these redundant but all-too-necessary details. In sum you have the better of five minutes to explain yourself at the team meeting. Go any longer and your message may go on deaf ears. Best of luck as you are now in the process of forming your first club team and becoming a successful soccer coach!