So You Found Out You're a Clone?

So, you woke up this morning and managed to spill coffee all over your shirt on your way to work today and you think to yourself, "How could this day get any worse?" Well, if you're like some of the unfortunate few out there, chances are the following has happened to you. You get to work late after having run home and change shirts and your boss looks at you like he is seeing a ghost. You meander your way through the cubicles, exchanging equally awkward looks with the rest of your co-workers until you finally arrive at your office. But to your surprise you see a man that looks surprisingly just like you; as if you were staring into a mirror. After you flail your arms about in order to see if this reflection duplicates your moves, you quickly realize what has happened.

You're a clone.

Yes, unfortunately, this happens all too often. You thought for the longest time that you were just an everyday human being, but all along you were just a clone being used to fill in for your original host who was taking a three month vacation from the office. It turns out that all of those photos of your loved ones on your desk were, in reality, the loved ones of your host body. You thought you had a beautiful spouse and a loving family that were spending the summer in Italy, but all the while they were away with your host. Those phone calls from your mother in Duluth were never meant for you and evidently nobody loved you; they were just in love with your host. How convenient.

So, now what do you do after you find out that you're only ninety days old instead of the thirty-two years of memories implanted in your brain that led you to believe such a lie? All the memories you had of childhood were just the memories of your host's body and you no longer can brag about them, because they never happened. You never lost your virginity at the age of fourteen, you never actually drank that entire fifth of Maker's Mark in college, and you never met your wife at that Third Eye Blind concert after your "strictly platonic" friend convinced you to go. All of your forged memories are lost to you now and it's time to start over anew. But how do you re-enter society when you're an exact replica of somebody else? Your options are limited, but don't get too downhearted yet, my cloned friend.

The first option is probably the most common and no doubt it has crossed your mind immediately after seeing your host body. Of course, murder is biblically considered a sin, but this doesn't apply to you because you're a cloned sentient bred from scientists; you have no soul and are thus not going to get into heaven. So, just like the robotic uprising foretold throughout science-fiction lore, you are entitled to a clone uprising of sorts. It's best to wait until you and your host body are alone in a secluded room. Try to lure him into the room by offering to visit the in-laws whenever he wants. But be careful, he could have premeditated murder on his mind as well. It's hard to outsmart a person that has the same exact brain as you, so you'll have to be resourceful and utilize what you have learned in the time that you took over his job for him. After all, he wouldn't have gotten the memo about the newly installed crocodile moat surrounding the break room.

Note: In case your plans are foiled by an unexpected visitor, grab your host, spin around in circles, and hope that said visitor shoots the wrong person.

The second option involves a little bit of deceit and clever thinking. Once you're face to face with your host body, it's time to run. Run as fast as you can before your host body has a chance to nab you. The first thing you're going to want to do is return home. Your loving family that you spent months marveling over their photos will have returned from their trip to Italy and are more than likely sitting at home awaiting for their real father/spouse to return from work later that evening. With any luck, they will have had no idea that your host had you created and the only thing that will confuse them is why you're home early from work. By the time you return home, the N.C.A. will already be alerted to your escape and be quickly looking for you. Tell your family that you've been targeted as a potential threat to the United States and that they have to leave for Costa Rica right away. Don't let them waste any time in gathering needless possessions, but hurry them into the car and prepare for your long police chase towards the Mexican border. I would suggest crossing the Arizona border, because all the border guards will be facing the opposite direction and won't see somebody trying to leave the country.

Note:In case your spouse doesn't believe what you are saying, admit that it was all a joke and try to coerce him/her to sleep with you, because that's eight years of a sex-filled marriage you never had. You might as well try to get something before the N.C.A. vaporizes you.

The third option should only be employed if you find that you just don't have the gusto for the first two options. It's time to use your sense of creativity and have your host body thrown in jail or executed. It would be best to reach an agreement with your host body and trick him into thinking that you'll just flee the country and disappear. But really you're going to make him disappear. Once you both part ways, begin to think of clever ways that will get your host body in a lot of trouble with the law. Go on a naked balloon ride over the Vatican, exercise your ability to sell cigarettes to kids during recess, or send out death threats to your fellow congressman. All are sure ways that your host will be framed and thrown behind bars. But the trick is to escape from the police after they are called. Hide out in a dumpster for awhile until the heat is off you and the police show up to your host's house to arrest him. After a couple days emerge from out of the shadows and return home. Tell your spouse and family that it was all a misunderstanding and that all charges were dropped. Also, inform them about how you're going to grow your hair out and wear dark sunglasses during the day.

Note: In case you are caught committing any of these crimes, it's time to just throw in the towel and allow the N.C.A. to dispose of you. You had a good three month lifespan and perhaps somebody could use your organs.

So, best of luck to you, clone. And remember that all dogs go to heaven, but clones of dog owners do not.