So You Are a Stepparent, Eh?

So you are a step parent ehh?? Looking for answers on how to bond with your spouses child? How to connect to a child you are just getting to know? Maybe some discipline concerns? Well, I am a step parent and while I do NOT have ALL the answers, I may be able to shed some light on this difficult subject.
Bonding.... It means to form a connection, a link between this child who is new in your life and yourself, and for him/her this may be very difficult. Whether your stepchild is 2 months old or 20 years old this can be at best a difficult and massive undertaking. But, don't be discouraged, it is currently one of the most rewarding relationships that I have with any of my children. It takes alot of time, effort, and hard work on both sides. An understanding of the child and his/her feelings is VERY important.

While your stepchild may "like" or even love you they may feel as though they are betraying their birth parent in doing so. The bond between parent and child is a primal one, perhaps even instinctive, and a child's loyalty to their birth parent can be extremely strong. To prevent this loyalty from hampering your new relationship from growing into the wonderful closeness that it can be be sure that you never challenge that loyalty. If a child believes that a) you are trying to take the place of their parent or b) that you disapprove of or dislike their parent they are immediately going to be put "on the defensive" and you may be regarded as the enemy. Perhaps not consciously, but unconsciously they may resent you or feel like you are are trying to destroy the bond between them and their birth parent. The key is to become their friend and give unconditional love.

Unconditional love... Most parents have love for their children from the moment they are born. Again it is that instinctive bond between parent and child. So, how do you establish this between yourself and your new stepchild? I have a few pointers... Show interest in them. Find out what they like, what they enjoy, and who their friends are. Ask to join in or talk about their hobbies or sports they enjoy. If they enjoy video games sit for a while and play a game for 30 minutes with them, it's really not that painful if it is something you find unenjoyable. Just a little time goes a long way. Find some common ground or some way to identify with the child. You MUST be their friend without applying any pressure on them to regard you as a parental figure. Develop a report with the child so that you are at least regarded as a friend and NOT someone who is a threat to the birth parent/child bond. After all, you AREN'T looking to replace anyone just for your own space in their life right? Don't push yourself either, it is at time difficult to establish a friendship with someone you don't know well. Some effort IS often required but once the proverbial ball gets rolling you will establish a relationship of respect and caring between yourself and your stepchild. Which brings us to discipline.....

If you are asked to provide discipline via rule and punishment it is important that all parents be in accord. This can be difficult if you have a birth parent that does not want you to discipline their child. The first step is to talk with the birth parent of your child and discuss what the rules are for behavior. This is what has likely been expected of the child up until now and any effort on your part to step in and make changes will likely again result in resentment from your stepchild. They need to accept you as an authority figure and respect you first, and vice versa. Once this is established if you want to make some small changes here and there it is important to discuss this with both your spouse and the child's other natural parent. It is important that any punishment is justified and fair. It is not appropriate to jump in and exact extreme punishments for a minor infraction of the rules - your stepchild will see you as an unfair tyrant who does not like him/her and feel like they are being singled out or picked on. It is important that you abide by established punishments that are familiar and expected by the child even if this is not how you would punish your own child in a similar situation. This should establish respect and show that you are not trying to "jump in" and make massive changes in the child's life.

It may take months or even years to gain a child's trust and love. When you represent a change or a new lifestyle for a child it can be difficult. But, in easing the transition for the child and making every effort to patiently and respectfully gain a place ( your own place ) in their heart and lives, you are in fact also easing the transition for yourself, your spouse and the child's other birth parent. Transitions are difficult and remember that this child has no choice, no voice in what has happened between the adults in his/her life. Nothing is worse than that feeling of helplessness. Even most adults would agree. But, it is not only worth the time and effort but the love and respect from a stepchild is your reward at the end of the day. It is not a love that was there when that child was born, but a love that was chosen, nurtured, and that grew from patience, understanding, and commitment. Nothing feels quite like it, and nothing can replace it.