So You Want to Be a Household Name: Part Two

Welcome back, class, to Professor Bill's tutorial for the rich and famous. Glad to see there were no ugly incidents with the paparazzi or the adoring public. If you have applied the principles from the first tutorial (obtaining a starring role in a television series) then you are certainly well on your way to famousness, if not safely ensconced in famoushood already. I, having failed to employ any of my tutorial tips, am, sadly, not famous. Nor am I rich. However, I have been busy researching and preparing more methods for becoming famous. And rich. Don't forget rich, because otherwise there is just no point to famousness. Just ask Paris.

Do you have what it takes to be an affable and lovable and dashing outlaw? Do you? Butch and Sundance had it. Robin Hood had it. That Bill Murray character in the movie "Quick Change" had it. Well, okay, nobody remembers the name of the Bill Murray character, but you remember the taxi driver in the movie, don't you? And he's famous now with his own tv series. You remember, don't you? The movie? Any of it? The Bill Murray character in the clown suit? The taxi driver who spoke three words of English, but didn't know what they meant? Remember? OH, C'MON!

Well, anyway, just become a lovable, laughable, good-hearted sort who robs from the rich and gives to the poor. Unless you want to be rich. Keep in mind, however, that if you keep all of the money to yourself, then you won't be so laughable and lovable, and you most definitely will not be what most people would call good-hearted. It is very important for outlaws to be lovable and laughable so that people feel comfortable remembering you and discussing your whimsical antics around the water cooler. And, for Heaven's sake, don't rob from the poor, unless you're a politician or you're the Grinch and you're going to give it all back and then sing and dance and party hearty with your victims. That was the Grinch's modus operandi and everybody remembers the Grinch, especially around Christmas time.

One caveat about robbing as your preferred route to outlawhood: don't be one of those too-stupid-to-live bank robbers. You know....the ones who enter one bank to rob it, but the teller informs them that on Tuesdays the only bank available for robberies is the bank across the street, so the dolt dutifully strolls across the street and waits in line with his robbery note until the police arrive, roll around on the floor laughing, snickering, and pointing and arresting and handcuffing. Take my word for it, you don't want to be one of those dolts. You don't even want those guys to be in the same gene pool as you. NOBODY remembers the names of those guys. They just get lumped in with all the other idiots of the world. So, let's be smart out there, people, in our search for famousness.

Another way to become famous is to become a cult leader. Now, there is a delicate balance between cult leadership and famousness and not everyone can carry it off. Unfortunately, most cult leaders do not become famous until they've managed to lead their feeble-minded......sorry......."loyal" followers to a fiery death or to prison after some sort of massacre. I can not stress this point enough: I consider both of these methods of becoming famous----committing massacres and leading sheep......sorry......"followers" to fiery or cyanide-laced-fruity-flavored-concoction-induced deaths----completely unacceptable. And just bad planning.

It is, after all, difficult to enjoy the fruits of famousness from a jail cell, a coffin, an urn, or the FIERY PITS OF HELL!!!! Or so I've heard. Also, you end up with the whole "feud with the government" thing, which can get messy and would be couterproductive, considering that my personal favorite way to become rich and famous is to:

Become President/Emperor of a major world power. Wow. Talk about levels of famousness. When you're President, everybody knows your name---even Norm! A whole contingent of reporters is assigned to write about everything you say and do, just like Britney. Almost everybody working for the government knows your name and calls you Mr. President and stands up when you enter the room. People may not like you, but they by Golly know your name and stand up when you enter the room, because they know that there are several hundred, if not thousand, well-trained and well-armed individuals standing around just waiting to put themselves between you and a bullet or to pounce on any cretins who fail to stand when you enter the room. And everything that applies to presidents goes triple for emperors/dictators. I mean, these guys get their pictures plastered everywhere and everybody (alive) just LOVES them.

Of course, the downside to becoming President/Emperor as a means to famousness is that the available positions are quite thin. And I fully intend to occupy the slot that will soon be available here in these United States. So, whaddaya say, class? Help your poor unknown teacher become rich and famous. Vote. Vote often. Vote for me. And don't worry. The guys with all the guns will take care of the paparazzi.