So You Want to Be a Household Name...Really?

Welcome to Professor Bill's tutorials for the rich and famous. I will teach you to become famous or I will become famous trying. Sounds good, doesn't it? Well, don't get too comfortable with fame because fame has some serious downside issues. Just ask any of these famous folks how they're doing today:

Adolph Hitler - not so good.

Napoleon Bonaparte - not so good.

George Washington - Well, okay, he's on money and the whole father of the country thing ain't too shabby, so we won't ask George today.

Still insist on being famous? Not a problem. Many current celebrities have discovered most, but not all, of the methods for becoming famous. Let's explore some of these methods, although I must caution you that some methods used by celebrities to gain their share of fame were completely unacceptable....which is apparently what made them famous in the first place. Go figure.

In today's fast moving, multi-faceted, information-overloaded world, one of the most trusted and dependable ways of becoming famous is surprisingly retro. Obtain a starring role on a nationally televised television series. See? I told you this would be simple. Now, there are several options within this category, and your choice could well determine your level of famousness. That's right. Famousness. I refuse to use the term "celebrityhood"........oops.

Moving on. Moving on. Your choices under the television category include drama, comedy, reality, and documentary. For the purposes of this tutorial, we will exclude documentaries because, quite frankly, becoming famous through documentaries requires far too much work for too little payoff. Unless you are willing to risk being consumed by a disgruntled member of nature, (and I most certainly am not) your chances of becoming famous are about the same as my chances of doing the nasty nasty with Britney Spears......Hmmmmm.......Bad example. Of course, hooking up with Ms. Spears will certainly make you famous, but that's such an obvious ploy that we will leave that option to the rank amateurs among society. So, which will it be? Drama, comedy, or reality? Let's look at the pros and cons of each element.

DRAMA - long days of work; no time to enjoy your famousness; the longer your show lasts the less famous you become because the producers keep bringing in new famous people to goose the ratings; your character gets killed or maimed to goose the ratings; or your character just disappears because the writer changed from orange juice to cranberry juice that morning. Yes, Hollywood does work that way. Those would be the cons. Now, let's look at the pros.........hmmmm.........Moving on, moving on.

COMEDY - shorter days of work; everybody on the set is a comedian (that's both pro and con); the audience never really hates even the most vile character on a sitcom and thereby never really hates you. And face it, you WANT people to like you, don't you? C'mon, you know you do. Now, let's look at the cons.........hmmmm.........Moving on, moving on.

REALITY - On its face, starring in a reality tv series might seem to be the easiest method for achieving fame. You basically be yourself while a camera crew rolls away off to the side. What could be easier? Then it hits you. There's a camera crew in the kitchen while you're making yourself a peanut butter and mayonnaise sandwich (oh, you know you want to) and there will be a camera crew when you're trying to do the crossword puzzle, or trim your mustache, or scratch your......well, the point is, THEY ARE ALWAYS THERE. You need to be "on" all of the time. Then, you start to "act" and if you're going to "act" shouldn't you just "act" on a comedy or drama series and get paid socks full of "money" to be "famous"?

Even worse, you could get stuck on one of those reality shows where everybody stands or sits for an eternity while the music builds in the background and the camera cuts from facial expression to meaningful facial expression and you're waiting for Clint Eastwood and Lee Van Cleef to start shooting one another, only you know that no one will be shot, but you just want to break out an AK and mow everybody down starting with the guy playing the freaking music!!!!.............Hokay. We'll just say that reality tv is not our preferred method for becoming famous. Unless, of course, we become famous for a reality tv massacre.......no, no, no, no, no........That would be one of those unacceptable methods referred to earlier in this tutorial.

This concludes today's tutorial. Keep your eyes peeled for future tutorials, by which time I, myself, will have achieved some measure of famousness or richness greater than that which I enjoy today. Good night, class. Drive safely and don't run over the paparazzi.