Social Anxiety Disorder - a College Student's Encounter

"You want to go to the Café with me?" my roommate's question was answered by the roaring of my stomach. "Sure", I replied, happily jumping from my semi-loft bed to get dressed.

"It's cold out here!"My roommate shivered and snuggled in her sweatshirt. "Wait until you see January", I laughed.

I noticed that she began to walk towards the Library. "Where are we going?" I asked. "We're going to meet Megan". My stomach dropped. "Oh", I answered sheepishly.

When we got to the Café, I watched as Megan and my roommate sat down with some guy I'd never seen before.

I began to fix a salad as I plotted how to make my escape. "No way. There's no way I can do this". I thought to myself, nausea and fear rushing through my veins. I felt as if I were trapped in a cage that was slowly closing in on me.

Wondering what was wrong with me, I fixed a glass of water and sat down at a singles table in the back of the Café. All of a sudden, I longed for the simple days of high school and the Breakfast table. A group of us sat, laughed, talked, and ate together.

Pulling out my phone, I called the one who held us together, and who promised to always be there for me.

Talking to someone familiar put my stomach back in place. When we hung up with her promises to call me back, I felt a wave of panic as my roommate texted me, wondering where I was. Feeling as if I were about to throw up, I texted "I'm going back to the dorm. I'll c ya l8r."

When I got back to the room, I opened my laptop and turned on my music. "What is your problem?" I asked myself.

Desperate to find an answer, I searched Google for social disorders. "Social Anxiety Disorder" popped up on the screen. Clicking on it, an article from Mayo Clinic caught my eye. "Social anxiety disorder is a chronic mental health condition that causes an irrational anxiety or fear of activities or situations in which you believe that others are watching you or judging you. You also fear that you'll embarrass or humiliate yourself."

That didn't sound anything like me. "I love to be alone in public." I thought to myself. "Shut up and just read it", a voice answered me.

I scrolled down to see the symptoms.

"Intense fear of being in situations in which you don't know people" I didn't know my roommate's friend or that guy at all. My roommate was still an acquaintance in my eyes.

"Fear of situations in which you may be judged" I thought back to waiting for Megan and wondering if she would accept me or wish I went back to my room.

I matched almost all of the emotional signs perfectly. The physical symptoms really got my attention

"Blushing" I'm African American, but I felt my cheeks get very warm. "Profuse sweating" Had it not been cold out...

"Trembling or shaking" I almost dropped the water glass.

"Nausea" When I got back to the room, I wondered if I would barf.

After many more physical signs matched my own experience, I read all that I needed to be certain that this was me.

"When you have social anxiety disorder, you realize that your anxiety or fear is out of proportion to the situation. Yet you're so worried about developing social anxiety disorder symptoms that you avoid situations that may trigger them."

I remembered all of the times that I'd been invited to do something with a group of strangers, but I wouldn't out of fear.

The article went on to address some of the everyday experiences that may be difficult with social anxiety disorder.

"Using a public restroom" I've always been germaphobic.

"Returning items to a store" I couldn't count how many times I'd had my little sister return or ask a sales person a question for me.

Going down the list, I thought about how pathetic this would sound to my sister and my best friend.

Yet, I couldn't convince myself to go back to the café and try to get over my fears.

So, here I am. I'm sitting at my computer, listening to music about people with lives, waiting for my best friend to be done with tutoring so I can have someone to talk to.

Then again, the silence around me is perfect.

When there's no one around, the only one that's available to judge me is myself and God. Since God isn't judging just yet, I'm going to be just fine.