Social Butterfly and a Loner, Can These Two Successfully Date?

Loneliness does not come from having no people about one, but from being unable to communicate the things that seem important to oneself, or from holding certain views which others find inadmissible.

-Carl Gustav Jung

If you're the type of person who loves to hang out with a bunch of people at once and can't stand being by yourself, dating a loner is going to be difficult. You may want to double date while she'd just want to be with you alone. You may want to have a party while she'd just rather have a quiet night at home. You may regard her as lonely, but loners are a different type of people. Ask a loner if that person is lonely, and chances are she'll say, "No." A loner is content in her own company. She actually enjoys the idea of going to movie theaters and not having the movie spoiled because you're whispering to her about what's going to happen next. She likes hanging out in restaurants at a table for one while reading a good book. She wants to shop on her own so she doesn't have to hang out in line waiting on you. She enjoys doing her own thing.

The problem with loners is that they have a habit of making those who are dating them (or even friends with them) feel like they don't want them around. Remember R&B artist Monica's song "Don't Take It Personal (Just One of Them Days)"? She sang "It's just one of them days/When I want to be all alone...It's just one of them days/Don't take it personal/I just want to be all alone/And you think I treat you wrong."

But if a loner embraces you in a relationship or friendship, she doesn't want to "treat you wrong." More often than not, loners adore the few people that they voluntarily surround themselves with. The following tips make a relationship with a loner more peaceful and help the social butterflies from getting their feelings hurt.

Tip One:

If a loner says she doesn't want to be bothered, you have every right to ask her if you did something wrong or is she mad at you. If she says no, believe it. There are times when a loner just finds being around people, especially people who want her attention, unbearable. She wants to hide from the world and be around those who will look at her as if she's invisible instead of constantly asking her, "Are you okay? Why are you so quiet? Why are you over there? Why don't you want to talk?" But just because she's not showing you constant attention doesn't mean she wants to break up.

Tip Two:

Never try to surprise a loner with a party unless you absolutely know she wants one. More than likely, there will be people at that party she won't like or people she really would rather not be around. And now she'll be forced to play nice and associate with people she really could care less about, which may ruin her party time and make you view her as ungrateful.

Tip Three:

Make your needs known early in the relationship. If you are the social butterfly who wants to have social gatherings every month or want to hang out with your friends, your loner partner should never try to stop you from doing that. You have just as much of a right to socialize as your loner partner does to not want to socialize. If you make your regular activities known early on, then there are no secrets. Your loner partner will be able to prepare herself for the relationship she's getting into.

Tip Four:

Try to be cordial to the few friends and family that your loner partner likes to be around. A loner keeps a tightly knit group around her, which means she usually respects these people on a different level. It's a very bad idea to ignore those who your loner partner has a bond with. You don't have to love your loner partner's friends and family, but make every attempt to be cordial because you'll probably see these people the most if at all.

Tip Five:

Do not try to force your loner partner into being like you. It's a terrible idea and will never work. The same way you'll never understand why she'd rather go on a vacation by herself instead of with 10 friends is the way she feels about you inviting 13 people over to watch a game of football. The loner partner will probably be thinking, "It only takes two eyes to watch a football game, not 26." But in your mind, the game may be more fun if you have people laughing and joking around with you. For her, hanging out is just that enjoyable all by herself or with you.

Tip Six:

If you're living with your loner partner, be very careful about how often or how many people come by your home. If your loner partner can't come home to a quiet spot, she'll grow frustrated and then stop coming home altogether. She'll probably decide to hide out at a library, café or some other place where she can have what Tony award-winning artist Heather Headley calls, "Me Time." But because you probably want her to be home to enjoy time with you and your friends, you may grow resentful towards her and that's when the cheating accusations sometimes start. You should be able to have guests in your home, but be cooperative with a schedule of quiet days for your loner partner and party days for you and your friends.