Social Skills: Fish and Houseguests

Everyone knows the saying: "Fish and houseguests both stink after three days." Well, I say: Why wait? Why take the chance that, as a houseguest, you won't stink? Jump right in there, guest, with these field-tested ways to annoy even the most genial host!

This is the easiest Way: graze on their food without asking for permission. Sure, most hosts assume this is going to happen. They're prepared. To an extent. Take it to the next level! Go through the kitchen cabinets looking for their carefully-hidden stashes of foods they'd rather you didn't eat. Graze continuously, preferably while gently refusing any effort to acquire a formal meal. "Nah, really, I'm not that hungry." Open new bags of chips, "just to try 'em." Shift cans around inside the cabinet. Snacking's easy.

Way the Second: talk to the television as if you were at home. For most of us, this'll come easy, though not as easy as grazing. Argue with news anchors. Question the veracity of advertising. Ask actors what on earth they were thinking when they took that role. Seasonal TV Chatting is a bonus event! Complaining about the commercialism of any particular holiday is a great way to annoy a host. And don't neglect Politicial Seasons. Political commentary is fraught with possibilities; from appearance through platform, right up to vocabulary, there's always plenty of chat-fodder.

Way the Third: critique your host's choice of television programs. Although related to TV Chatting, it's not the same thing. Instead of random jabber, you'll need to focus on each particular show. In a perfect world, you won't share your host's viewing preferences. In a less-perfect world, you might share their viewing habits, but they won't know that, leaving you free to critique. In an unfortunate world, you'll watch the same stuff, they'll know that, and you're opening yourself for all kinds of backwash. Do your best!

Way the Fourth: react badly -- or strangely -- to any pet(s) belonging to your host. All kinds of drawbacks to this Way, I'm afraid. Host might not have pets, or you might actually like the pet in question. Again, do what you can. Even a demented shriek at the touch of a cold nose, followed by "Man, I was not expecting that!" can get you some annoyance points. Especially if the pet's been laying next to you on the couch for, like, hours. Bonus points can accrue if you manage a fangirl shriek upon seeing the pet each morning. First time funny, subsequent times annoying. And feel free to taunt the pet by eating in front of it while gently nudging it away with your foot. Even if the pet's not interested in the food, your behavior will register with your host, if only on a subconscious level.

The Fifth Way depends more on timing than the previously-mentioned Ways. The Fifth Way should be started sometime in the afternoon of your second day. Begin commenting that you're pretty sure your host might like you to leave early. The host's pet is a good intermediary for these preliminary suggestions about leaving.

I'll close with the observation that I have personally field-tested these Ways. Though I knew my host to be genial, and though I suspected she'd had her meds upped in anticipation of my visit, I field-tested each and every Way upon her and her unsuspecting dog. They worked! She became very annoyed. The dog was of two minds about it all....