Socialized Healthcare

Someone asked me recently why we would want socialized medicine. I thought about it for a while and realized there are other things in society we take for granted that could be considered "Socialized", things that the average person accepts as the "right and correct" way things should be. But what if we reversed the trend, and de-socialized what is already socialized? This story is the result of that thought.

EMERGENCY!

Brrring. Brrring. Brrring.

Click.

"Hello, Emergency Services, how may I help you?"

"My stove is on fire! I need a ... "

"One moment please."

Click.

Click. Click-click. Brrrrrrrrrrr. Click.

"Hello, Emergency Central Services. Where are you calling from?"

"Howzit, Kansas."

"Which service do you need?"

"I need the Fire Department. My ..."

"One moment please."

Click.

Click-click. Brrrrrrrrrr. Click. Brrrrrrrrr. Click.

"Hello, Emergency Fire Service. What city please?"

"Howzit, Kansas! I've got a ..."

"Calm down, sir. Let me get some information first, to better serve you. What is your address, please?"

"1097 East Roxbury Road. The grease in my pan ..."

"And to whom am I speaking?"

"Fred Gaynor. I was cooking some bacon and ..."

"The phone you are calling from doesn't match that address, sir."

"No, I'm calling from my cell! My house phone is in the house and my house is on fire!"

"Oh, I see. Okay, sir, one moment."

"It can't wait! The flames are spreading up the wall now!"

"I'm sorry, sir. We don't have a file for you. When did you apply for Emergency Services?"

"What do you mean? My whole kitchen's on fire! I'm calling now!"

"So you don't have an account established with Emergency Services? I'm afraid we can't do anything without an Account Number, sir. Would you like to apply for one? We can do it over the phone."

"Yes, yes! If it'll get a fire truck here. The flames are moving up the hallway now!"

"One moment, sir."

Click.

Click. Brrrrrrrr. Click.

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"Hello, Emergency Services Records Department. This is Emily, how can I help you?"

"My house is on fire! My kitchen ..."

"I'm sorry, sir, we don't handle rapid responses at this office. You'll have to call Emergency Central Services. Let me just transfer you."

"WAIT! They just transferred me to you!"

"Well they shouldn't have, we only handle accounts at this office."

"That's why they transferred me. They said I needed some number before the fire trucks will come out."

"Oh! You mean you need to open an account. Okay, I'll just need some information first. Your name is?"

"Fred Gaynor. And I live at 1097 East Roxbury Road. Do I have to do this all again?"

"I'm afraid we need this information for your file, sir. And what city is that?"

"Howzit, Kansas! I've got a ..."

"Good news, Mr. Gaynor. I can give you Basic Emergency Services for only $27.50 per month. Does that sound alright to you?"

"Sure, sure! Just get somebody out here!"

"Okay, when would you like that coverage to start?"

"Right now would be good, the flames are almost to the living room!"

"You have a fire presently?"

"That's what I've been trying to tell you people!!"

"I'm afraid that pre-existing Emergencies can drastically increase your rates, sir. Have you ever had a fire before this one?"

"NO. This is a first for me, and I think it's getting out of control!"

"Oh, that's good, Mr. Gaynor. With only one pre-existing Emergency I can still open an account for you, at only $78.95 per month. How's that sound?"

"Just wonderful! Now can you get someone out here, please?"

"Plus, for only an additional $42.50 we can add on extended coverage, in case there's an emergency when you're out of town."

"Let's just start with the basic for now! The whole first floor is burning now! Can't you hurry this up?"

"Okay, Mr. Gaynor, you're all signed up. You should receive your Emergency Services account card in 7 to 10 business days. Give us a call when it arrives and we'll send a truck right out. Thank you, and have a wonderful day!"

Click.

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