Socializing with Grown Kids or Young Adults

One of the things that can be heard from older parents who have transitioned their kids out of the house is that when it is done successfully, older parents and adult children can interact and socialize on new levels. While we may always be the "parent," we can learn how to be friends of sorts as well. We can learn how to socialize and enjoy each other's company in a healthy way and allow the parent-child dynamic to change and evolve.

What can inhibit many older parents of adult children from being able to socialize and "hang out" is that parents just cannot seem to let go of the urge or desire to "parent." They still want to stay connected to their child or children in the parent-child or authority and subordinate roles. Older parents may still want to tell their adult child how to do things, or offer "ideas" and "suggestions" for how they believe the adult child should be living his or her life. It is important for adult children and their even older parents to learn how to separate from the earlier roles and allow a new connection to become established and grow.

Consider doing things together instead of just sitting and talking. By getting out and going golfing, shopping, walking, skating, biking or doing some other activity, it can take the pressure off carrying on a long conversation and it can also help to take the relationship "out" of the home context and into the adult world. Many older parents find that by doing activities with their grown kids or young adult children, they can see how competent, capable, and independent the child has become. It can help to put the older parent and the adult child on a more even plain and allow the conversation to be more mutual and natural.

Another thing to consider is to let the adult child "host" the activity. Instead of always have the grown kids come to mom's or dad's for dinner or having mom and/or dad be the one who suggests, invites, and otherwise defines the connection or relationship, allow the adult child to invite mom and/or dad out to do something. This also helps to create a new dynamic. Mom and/or dad will likely act different if it is the child who has prepared the meal and the parent is at the adult child's home.

Look for ways to let the old parent-child dynamic go and replace it with a more respectful, egalitarian relationship. This doesn't mean there was anything wrong with the way things were, it is just necessary for things to change in order to allow for healthy adult connections and pleasant adult socialization. Of course there will be times when you need to talk over heavier subjects--especially if the grown/adult child is still dependent in some way(s), but this doesn't have to dictate every interaction. Allow for their to be social activities and conversations that do not include ANY "parenting" talk.