Sold! the Half-Eaten Sandwich to the Man in the Blue!

These items I found on Ebay might tickle your funny bone, pleasure that certain hemisphere in your brain, or make you just break out and cry from seeing how far humanity has fallen since the dawn of live auctions. You might be like me, and shout out a, "what in the world???" or, "you've GOT to be kidding me!" But whatever you do, please, please, PLEASE do not bid on these items.

1. ~~~ FOSSILIZED TIN MAN TURDS ~~~. You need to visit this page and see the picture to fully appreciate the ridiculousness of this item. It's basically a bunch of small pieces of aluminum foil shaped into "turd-like" shapes. The description of the item also has this long and corny description of all of the Wizard of Oz characters commenting on the idea that the Tin Man uses the bathroom. Lame. By the way, if any of you want any Tin Man turds, I have them by the roll in my kitchen. I even used some last night to cover up my leftover pizza. The worst thing about this item: there are 3 bids.

2. BLACK TOILET TISSUE. I don't know about you, but when I use toilet paper to wipe myself, one indication to see if I've wiped everything off is if there is stuff on the toilet paper. However, if the TP is black, how can you tell if you've wiped anything off at all? I'd rather use regular, pure, white toilet paper instead of smelling like my own feces all day. I also like how they have a picture of a half-naked, sexy guy's body behind the toilet paper. Do they think people will bid on it because, hey, hot people use black toilet paper? I think not.

3. MYTHICAL GOTHIC DRAGON TOILET PAPER AND TOWEL HOLDER. Have dragons become so domesticated that all they're good for is holding our towels and toilet paper? What happened to the good ol'e days when dragons flew around spewing fire on villages and castles? Or when knights had to slay them to rescue the damsel in distress? Geez, I miss those days. By the way, I like my idea for a towel holder better: two human arms coming out of the wall.

4. DO~YOU~HAVE THE WORLD FAMOUS FLYING PIG MONOPOLY PIECE? That's right, boys and girls. If you ever feel an urge to destroy the dignity of one of the greatest board games ever, be sure to get the Flying Pig Monopoly piece. So the next time you play, you can ask your friends, "do you want to be the car, train, top hat, or flying pig?" Be sure to bid soon, the owner only has 100.

5. 756TH Home Run Ball NOT hit by Barry Bonds. Basically, some guy is angry the real home run ball went for so much, so he put up a baseball he found lying in his house. His argument is that it's a lot less cheaper, and pretty much the same product. Hmm...bitter table, party of 1?

6. INVISIBLE PITTSBURGH STEELERS SHIRT photo. This item caught my eye because the first four words were capitalized, and I thought, "whoa! Invisible shirt!" Then I clicked on the page and realized the item that is up for grabs is a photo of a half-naked Pittsburgh Steelers fan with paint on his belly and a ridiculous hat on. Sorry, ladies, this guy isn't what you would call, "in-shape." Again, click on the link to fully appreciate this amazing attempt of entrepreneurship. Pretty sneaky how the seller didn't capitalize "photo." Almost got me, rockyraccoon31.

7. BONDS 756 HOME RUN BALL CATCHERS CRAB SANDWICH. This is the item that gave me the idea for this article. I was browsing Ebay to see if anyone was trying to put up fake Barry Bonds home run balls (I was super bored), when I came across this nugget of hilarity. To clear up any misunderstanding, NO, this is not Barry Bonds' sandwich that he ate before hitting number 756. Instead, it belonged to the fan who caught the home run ball. He supposedly dropped it before catching the $752,467 ball. I don't blame him...there aren't too many things I'd drop a crab sandwich for, but that amount of money is very worth it. I am happy to announce that humanity is not as lost as I first thought: this item closed with zero bids.

These are just a few of the many bizarre items I found. Hopefully, you will have more common sense than these sellers (and the few bidders) and only use Ebay to buy and sell useful items. One way to make sure you are buying a quality product is always buying from seller "supersweetmomo" and overbidding on every product he has up. That would help me...I mean, him out a lot. Happy bidding!