Soldier of Chocolate: The Battle of the (Valentine's Day) Bulge

I read recently that due to the vanishing rain forests, the world's chocolate supply may soon dry up. And may I say, the sooner the better.

Would that this lifelong foe die an untimely death than for me to spend my remaining days forging a daily, no, hourly, battle against its cunning and evil plots against the size of my, er, waistline.

With Valentine's Day fast approaching, and still munching the remains of the Christmas chocolate windfall - the two-pound Hershey's Pot Of Gold assortment, the Big Island Candies Peanut Butter Bars, the Ambrosia Tixies, and the Whitman's Sampler unearthed by my husband just yesterday while taking down his Christmas stocking at work - my resolve begins to crumble like a chocolate-dipped pretzel. Which reminds me, I still have a box of those in the freezer.

Don't get me wrong. I love chocolate. But, from what I see in the mirror, the relationship has become very one-sided, specifically, the back side, and it is time to end it.

However, that is easier said than done. There is no chocolate "patch" you can place on your skin to stifle your cravings for Moose Tracks ice cream in the middle of the night. There is no12-step program to lend support when you find yourself standing outside a bakery window in the early morning hours, licking the window. There isn't even an 800 number to call during your pre-menstrual cycle, the most critical time.

No, it's just you against the cacao. An army of one hundred fifty-six pounds. This will not be an easy victory, but then you knew that going in.

To win this war, you must eradicate the bitter enemy, (although dark chocolate isn't as bitter as some people believe) from your life completely. No more sneaking M&M's into the Chex Mix. No more Hershey's Dark Chocolate Syrup in squeezed generously into your pale and tasteless milk. No more substituting Ghirardelli Double Chocolate Chips for the blueberries in your scone recipe.

Your toughest mission, Valentine's Day, lay ahead as you fortify yourself against the battalion of bright red heart-shaped boxes filled to the brim with every type of nut, chewy, and nougat center under the sun, not to mention possibly even dark chocolate.

Actually, I've heard dark chocolate is better for you than milk chocolate. And also has antioxidants which help clean the blood. And tastes really, really good...

Um, I may need just a teensy, weensy weekend pass before boot camp is over.