Soldier Dad: A Humorous Guide for New Fathers in the Military

Congratulations, Soldier, you're about to become a new Dad! As a Military man, you may feel a bit awkward in your upcoming role as a born-again father. At first you may feel queasy and out of sorts, somewhat like sitting in the bleachers next to those other guys during an Army/Navy game. Do not panic, Soldier Dad, there is hope! The following guidelines have been devised to simplify your transition from Lean, Mean, Fighting Machine to Glad Dad Wearing Plaid. Read them. Know them. Live them! (They cost your government untold funds in research, so pay attention!)

A is for Army Food. Also known as S.O.S. or "What IS this slop?" You once ate it with gusto, and you will again. After the baby is born, you and your wife will average a half an hour's sleep each night. You will be too tired to find the kitchen, much less create something edible within it. Know the route to the nearest vending machine and load up on carbohydrate-filled crap. You're gonna need it.

B is for Bomb Diffusion. Nothing breaks beads of sweat on a Soldier faster than a ticking bomb. As a soon-to-be, brand new Military Father, be aware that a slight frown on your infant's face becomes deafening screams of rage in 2.6 seconds flat. Your Mission, Soldier Dad, is to discover what this uncooperative, non-communicative mini-civilian wants, and to provide it within the allotted time.

C is for Chemical Warfare. Not a subject to be taken lightly, but very much a part of new parenthood. The first time your newborn fills his diaper with thermonuclear waste, you'll thank God and Uncle Sam for the training which provides you with an ability to cope. Your directive: Buy wipey dipes in bulk.

D is for Discharge. Remember Soldier, were it not for your honorable discharge, you would not be facing parenthood. Keep your weapon under control at all times.

E is for Elbows Only Belly-Crawl. Good for entering enemy territory under tripwires, or recon in the perimeter of a not-quite-sleeping infant. Unless your objective is a horrific, abandoned, "How COULD you?" wail, every good Military Dad learns to maintain zero visibility at bedtime.

F is for Failure to Follow Orders. Whether you're facing a Superior or dealing with a new baby who wants a fresh diaper RIGHT NOW, swift disciplinary action will result. It's vital to remember the baby outranks you!

G is for Grenade Launcher. Also known as 'your baby' once solid food enters the picture. If you have a pilfered gas mask lying around, keep it at the ready.

H is for Hand-to-Hand Combat. Quick thinking, combined with superior hand/eye coordination, can save a Soldier's life. It can also keep a wet, nekkid baby from sliding across the bathroom tile. Soldier Fathers, take note - in field tests, a Mother's confidence in spousal parenting declined significantly when Military Dads dropped their babies on the floor. Be advised.

I is for Iceland. A country where you are not currently stationed. However, the first time your new baby throws up twice his body weight, you'll fervently wish you were.

J is for Jeep. Forget camouflage, filled with survival gear. Think Cherokee, filled with toys, old diapers, and half empty bottles of milk leaking on the upholstery.

K is for Kuwait. A loud, dangerous, and unstable place. As a Military Dad, your home will be such a place. Get used to the idea.

L is for Laundry. Something you probably learned how to do for the first time as a Soldier. If so, your country has trained you well, because your laundry detail is about to resemble that of an entire platoon.

M is for Mud. Soldiers sometimes live in it, crawl in it, and eat it for breakfast. Soon, it will simply be your name - each and every time the baby makes your wife crazy. You will return from Duty to find your wife in a ratty old bathrobe, car keys in one hand and screaming baby in the other. Listen up, Soldier Dad, and listen well. Take the baby immediately. Retrieve for your wife the emergency cookie rations you have cleverly hidden for just such an event. Remember: This is my weapon, this is my gun. These are the treats that'll save my scro-tum!

N is for Nine Millimeter. Instead of proudly showing off your new toy to all your Military Buddies, you'll now be bragging to any Soldier within earshot about your new son's winkie. "It's a NINE MILLIMETER!"

O is for Orders. It's a good thing you're used to taking them. In your years of service, no doubt you've at some point served under a bald, toothless, power hungry dictator. Guess who's back in town!

P is for Peace, and Q is for Quiet. In close quarters with 100 Soldiers, they do not exist. In close quarters with your new baby? BAhahahahahahahahahaha! (Breathe!) HAhahahahahahahahaa! (Suck wind!) (Air….I need Air!)

R is for Recon. As your child attains mobility, you'll need to assess his disposition and strength daily. Suggested maneuvers: Put locks on all the lower cupboards, cover all outlets, and for the love of God and Country, BUY A BABY MONITOR! (Those things still work when they're plotting to overthrow you at 17.)

S is for Sounding Off. Not only do Soldier Fathers use this tactic during lengthy maneuvers, it also comes in real handy during Dad-Duty. "I don't know but I've been told! I don't know but I've been told! Cloth diapers are hard to fold! Think I'll stick with throw-aways! Till the potty training days!"

T is for Training. It never ends, (not even during leave!), for Military Dads. As soon as you can differentiate the "I'm wet" sniffle/cry from the "Where the hell's my food?!" howl/shriek, your child will change tones. Knowledge gained last week is this week's useless Intel.

U is for Uniforms. Even when you are not wearing fatigues, you will be fatigued. Your new issue Military Dad Uniform will include a spit rag thrown over your left shoulder, and stains of suspicious origin over your right. Wear it proudly.

V is for Victory, and it will not be yours. Your baby will out-maneuver you each and every day. Accept your losses, and move on.

W is for Weaponry. As a highly trained Soldier in the United States Military, you've become adept at the operation of numerous weapons. You may be fully qualified to diffuse bombs, blow up ships, or defeat the enemy with a bottle opener and a chicken pot pie, but you will be unable to fold up the stroller and make it fit in the trunk. Read the directions.

X is for Crossfire.(Ok, not really. But what begins with X?) As a Foot Soldier in the Dad Military, you will be caught in a crossfire of unsolicited advice at every turn. You will not need this advice. You will not want this advice. It will bombard you nonetheless. From other Soldier Dads to nosey Moms in the commissary, everyone has an opinion to share regarding just how clueless you are as a new Military Dad. A rite of passage for the newly enlisted, if you will. Just smile, nod, and move on.

Y is for Yelling. There is a lot of yelling in the Service. New babies belonging to Soldier Dads do a lot of yelling at home, too. The significant difference? A direct order to cease and desist means NOTHING to your new baby.

Z is for Hot Zone. As a Daddy-to-be, you're in one. And no amount of training can prepare you for the way a new baby will rock your world. You think the Military has made you tough as nails? Able to follow every order, handle any emergency? Soldier, you ain't seen nothin' yet! My suggestion is to read all of the above - twice - and then put in for that post in Iceland.