Solidity of Purpose II

A young child sits in front of his bathroom mirror. He fills up the bath tub with water and takes his clothes off. He holds a knife in his hand and puts it to his throat. Staring at his bathroom mirror, he says, "I hate this world, and I hate myself. If I were dead it would solve all the problems of this world." As he goes to slice his throat open the knife that he grips so tightly falls out of his hand. He cries and continues to stare at his mirror. The kid cries out to God, "Why won't you let me do it? Why?"

Chapter One: A Million Sorrows

"Cry no more, worry about nothing," they say everyday. Sadly, in life, a million sorrows can come our way making us feel just like this little kid staring at the mirror. The fact is that children and adults suffer the same amount of troubles. In actuality, the child faces even more because children are cruel to each other. A child has no scope of true pain or reality, and the child may often face the same struggles of the parents such as parental arguments, drugs, deception, abuse, second hand smoke, fights, poverty, and so much more. So what helps the child get through? What is different about the adult? How do we answer our sorrows?

First thing to realize is that no one is perfect, we all make mistakes. This does not apply to all, but every one of us can take one of these definitions to follow in the next sentence. We have done fornication, idolatry, adultery, effeminate acts, self abuse, sodomy, thievery, drunkenness, reviling, extortion, homosexual acts, kidnapping, molestation, lying, foolishness, lust, coveting, libel, slander, murder, hate and so much more. No, I am not saying that we all fit into all of these wrong doings, for I am just saying that we have all done wrong. Whether it is one thing or the other, we have done something.

This kid later had grown older to live a new life twenty or more suicide attempts later. When he was younger there was so much he remembers doing wrong as a child. He hated God to some extent, but it was really himself. He studied witchcraft, and there was so much more that he did. In school, he constantly cried because he wished he was dead, but many did not know. Alone he was, yet even though he thought he was alone, he was popular to many. Not only was there all of the frustration, but he was always attacked by someone, and as he defended himself he was punished and not the other kid. He was called stupid when he had good grades. Constantly this kid was hurt by some family members, but one member did the most. No one ever really even noticed despite the many times things were seen. Some things like slamming the bed across the kid's chest and face and so on went ignored. In his mind, as the kid was older and saved, he still had these memories of his past. He remembered when he planned to go into the military, the things some of his family and friends said to him about how he was going to fail. People often wondered why he was so depressed. However, how would you feel if this happened to you?

Everyday, something bad had happened to this child, who was now an adult. When he was a child not only was God there to stop his attempts, but the child knew that if he had failed that there were a million adults around him just because he was a child, and they were responsible for him. So, the child was able to attempt but so much, and keep his secrecy of how he felt. Of course, after he got older, he was no longer suicidal; he went into a phase of just wishing that he did not exist and being depressed. Of course, this kid had forced himself to hide his feelings with a smile because he knew that things would be so much worse if anyone knew that he was depressed. Through his gained purpose with God, however, he had become free of his sadness temporarily. He said, "I will not be this sad again unless I fail God and have sex before marriage and get drunk. For now, I live for Christ.

Eventually, the child went to Korea. As he was stationed in Korea, he kept to the virtue of his beliefs for months up until he came back from leave. After he came back from leave, he found that his girlfriend had slept around on him. This man was so sad that he had started going out into town, living off base, and getting drunk daily. It wasn't intended like this, but his "friend" brought him out to town and this "fun" was supposed to "help" him. This man had backslid so much that he was enticed by the sins of man. No detail is needed just imagine what is. This kid had backslid up to his last day in Korea.

As he later flew to Kadena, things seem to get better, but his first 12 months was a struggle of trying to get over the sin and getting back into a righteous living. Once he was over everything, he became more depressed than ever. He wondered why he existed. He wished he was dead. And any mountain that he climbed he had the temptation to jump off of it. Strangely enough, this kid was able to hide his struggle with suicide so well that no one was able to see it. In fact, he operated better at his job and improved consistently. The only reason this kid did not kill himself was because a voice said no in his head.

The guy cried out to God again, "Why can't I kill myself?" The voice said, "Pray when troubles come. And you will see that all your troubles are light and momentary. Not only will you see this, but I will defend you. My grace is sufficient!" The man took this to heart. One day, as he was running on his 18^th lap, his ankle sprained, and the swelling was as big as a deflated volleyball. As he went to work, three NCOs had given him constant trouble about his ankle; constantly they mocked and joked him. The man showed no emotion, but he had daily went to his dorm room and prayed in tears about his dilemma. As time had passed by, one day he had to leave work early. The next day he had come back, and one of the NCOs had sprained his ankle. The other NCO had made jokes about both the man and the NCO. Much later the other NCO had a softball hit his testicle and inner thigh area. He was also badly injured. The last NCO had constantly given the man trouble, and he incurred extracurricular trouble for the rest of his time.

The man had then heard that voice from when he was a kid. It assured him that he was always protected despite his sin and sorrow. Between this man in his youth and adulthood, there was not much difference. The only thing that got this kid through was that invisible hand and voice upon his conscious and his heart. There was no mystical hand from heaven that said, "No stop". That voice was the only answer to his sorrows. Yet his sorrows continued, and his life had become worse daily and on ward the further down the road of life he had gotten. These few examples were merely light examples of this individuals suffering. A million sorrows this one man had.

Chapter Two: The Sins of a Man

Now, the adult has even bigger problems just as Job did. But he learned not to worry about them. Unfortunately, this man had his share of sins. After his situation was done, he felt sorrow for his crimes against He whom he considered to be his Father. The man repented, but he could not escape himself or the career damage done by others that were in his past. This man had wished even more that he did not exist.

Daily, he realized and repented for his sins and his struggle with lust. He cried, "God why do I hurt you by sinning and wishing I didn't exist. You have done so much for me, yet I have destroyed the virgin purity that you had blessed me with. I have prayed for you to unmake that which you made with a fine calculation and purpose. I have hurt others and caused them so much stress." This man figured he was a failure to God and life. So rather than upset God by killing his self, he begged God to forgive him, and take his life for his sin debt. He had then prayed for God to unmake him. But to pray for one to unmake him, was the same thing as trying to commit suicide. Only he was asking God to do the gesture that he was forbidden to do by God. In sense, this was still utter foolishness, but in his depression the man could not see the writing on the wall because he was stuck in-between the sentences.

After realization, the man repented. Still, however, he felt sorrow and depression. The sorrow was sobering and good for him. But the depression would take him in a circle back to the point where he needed to see the writing on the wall again. It was like he could not escape himself. The reason why was that he could not escape his self or his past. All this man could do was lay the dogs of his past to sleep. The man had three tools to fight with, and they were belief, repentance, and truth. Stuck in the past would be a curse, but in his life, a daily incident would occur that was like a formed attack to cause this man strife, pain, or struggle.

As time wilted away, he still had the struggle of his career on hand. The person was a squared away man. But his past supervisors made it so that his future would be a struggle. So not only did this man struggle with himself, but he also struggled with the sins and biases of others, having only three good supervisors out of ten. This was calculated as only thirty percent of good treatment during his career.

Eventually, his sins and the sins of others along with his failures had all hit him. What to do he did not know. He only knew the beginning, and the middle. He knew the eventual end, but not the interim ending. When would the end of the road of struggle stop. The man knew of freedom from Christ, but freedom does not always give one understanding of their life until they gain realization of the forgiveness that was received. For forgiveness not only means salvation, but the consequence of past sins completed was already met and only the ripples remain. In fact, this man had to come to the realization that even his sin and that of other men could be used for good. To this end it does not justify doing wrong for greater grace, it merely says we all make mistakes and they can all be fixed no matter how serious they are. Just not always by our hands.

Chapter Three: Forgiveness

Before making new futures under the realization of forgiveness, we must first realize the trouble that we have given to ourselves. We must admit that our sins are not the end of the rope. We must forgive ourselves, not worry about the past or future. As well we must enjoy the freedom and not live in the bad things but think on the good things in our life.

What do I mean by this? This man had some struggles in his life. Here are the thoughts that this man had daily:

"Stardazed
Why am I here Lord?
I don't mean to mock or insult you Lord.
But I surely must've been a mistake.
I am so pathetic, and a loser.
Everything I do is not good enough.
I am the worst at everything.
I don't understand why you keep me around God.
I am always sick; I have been getting weaker and more exhausted.
What is wrong with me?
Why can't I just not exist?
I always screw up.
Everyone calls me a child.
I am worthless here Lord.
And if this is not enough I know you know how wicked I am.
I joined to protect my family, but I am just the worst.
Branded I am with the label of a fool.
So now, I must live my life worthless and pathetic.
I hate this world, for I must smile when I am truly sad.
My dreams are jokes to people.
But here I sit defending my country which this and writing were my primary dreams next to telling all about you.
But everyone believes that I am a subtracter and not a multiplier.
Thus I am useless, and I sit here dazed and hurt by my worthlessness.
As I sit dazed and hurt, I look upon the sky.
The stars shine bright even at day, and I realize what things are.
In my glimpse I know what the world would be like without me in it.
Just look at the military aspect of my life.
My recruiter would have come across someone better than me.
My flight in basic would have gotten honor flight.
In technical school people would enjoy life better.
My old supervisor at Langley would have been load crew of the quarter again.
Korea would be a better place than it is.
My supervisor here would have the best load crew.
My mother and father as well as my family members would have been happier and better off.
All of those teams and squadrons I was in would have been the best if I didn't exist.
I am a failure to myself, to you God, and to everyone and everything I know.
A true idiot I am.
Dear Lord, I am trouble.
I am worse than Pan and Loki if they were true to exist.
My head is like Pandora's Box.
And I need not breathe another breathe in this world.
And so I am here and now.
How much more trouble will I be or receive.
I am a natural loser and a curse on humanity.
The longer I am here, the more this world falls apart.
I am nobody, and I am pathetic.
How stupid I am.
Even my questions are not good enough.
They reek of my stupidity.
I don't know anything about anything.
How pathetic, how pathetic I am."

"Lord I Am Just Tired Now (18 January 2003)
I can't do it anymore.
I can't laugh when I am sad anymore.
I don't have anything left for but God and my job.
God brings me the only happiness I now,
But I share it with no one.
And now I am exhausted...
Long hours, only breaking to do sports and eat.
I have to struggle to do those things I like.
I feel beaten and torn, like I am being ripped from inside out.
My heart is turning to stone and cold ice.
And yet I am still here Lord.
I hate no one, not even myself.
But I am worn down and falling apart.
No longer am I tired.
I am just exhausted.
I am stupid and should not have been born.
Nobody would be sad.
If only I was never created this world would be a better place.
But with me I make this world like a curse to live in.
Who wants me around?
I was a curse to my parents, a burden on existence, and now I realize that I am a loser.
Oh well! This is me..."

Need I say more? It is apparent that this man just needed to forgive himself for his troubles. This man was in turmoil because of his low thoughts of his life. However, his sadness was not from his own self. The world around him just kept picking and picking unable to give him any time to breathe, and if that voice did not stop him, then he would have been committed suicide. Somehow the gentle hands lead him from ending his life, but he forgot the voice that said, "Don't worry and cry no more."

No his problem was not small. For it is said that 10,000 stings from a group of bees can kill a man. It is impossible to escape ones life. Of course when all is said and done, this is the life we were dealt. Thus all of the struggles we are given, even our own sins are merely an obstacle for us to guide around. For us to get around our own sin we need to repent of them and keep the wisdom of the pain they caused so we know why not to repeat them. Even if we do repeat them, we must get back up and forgive ourselves. Who are we hold against ourselves our own sins when we are forgiven by One greater than ourselves? We must not look to the past for knowing who we are, for we need only look to the future of hope that was given to us. Was it not our triumphs that aided people? Was it not our troubles that allowed us to teach others, and allowed others to learn from our experience? When we can forget our own transgressions, and give this same compassion to others when they hurt us then we are truly free. Let not life change you, for you were created with a purpose. Ask, "what can I do to make things better with the cards I have been dealt?" I say this because we are not made and pressed with random cards dealt to us by a dealer or a roulette machine, for we are given a calculated and timed life that is more precise than the very watch on our wrist.

Chapter Four: To Put Away In The Past

"It was never meant to be easy. When John the Baptist was preparing the way for Christ the world had mocked him and questioned his every step. John was even asked to baptize Jesus, knowing what I know now I would not even feel worthy to look at Christ's face. Despite everything however John did what had to be done. Sadly, despite his devotion to fear God, he was beheaded (Mark 6:14-29). Even Jesus had his share of strife, like the time when he went into the desert. Satan had tempted Jesus, but as persistent as Satan was against Jesus, Jesus had never given in. Even upon the news of one of his people he pressed on with devotion to his father. His first disciples were found at the Sea of Galilee, he asked them to cast their nets down, and he said he would make them fishers of men. These men decided to leave their old lives behind and to follow Christ. "

As stated by the first book of this series "Solidity of Purpose."

Those things we have done should remain in the past. They should only be remembered as things to be grateful for that they did not destroy us. In summation we must come to terms with who we really are. We are sinful individuals, and everyone makes mistakes. We are not perfect by any stretch of the imagination. Therefore, to think that we are worse than anyone else is nothing but pure foolishness. No one is good on his own accord at least not in accordance with perfection. If any man tells you that they are, then they are blowing smoke through your tail.

In recollection, you are not the worse person in the world. In life there are three levels. Good, Center, and Evil. Good is the ultimate ethical basis. No one can achieve this level ever. Only a man who has no evil in his life and born of a virgin birth away from original sin can achieve this level. Therefore, every man is equally wicked except one man who even history says lived a righteous life.

The Center is where we are. The only way for the Center to uplift is if someone who is good uplifts it on his behalf. This is because life is like an equation. Perfection is 10. Center is 0. Evil is -10. -10 is the base component of Evil. What happens when 10+0 is summed up? It becomes 10. What happens when 0+0 is summed up? It becomes 0. What happens when 0+ (-10) is summed up? It becomes -10. In common math, where the X and Y axis meets is 0. Therefore, X can only meet at ten if Y allows it to. Zero does not ever become 1, of course. The X can travel horizontally forever. But Y coordinates define the height. If Y stays at zero then it is still not positive. So if you are neutral or negative you are still set below a positive standard.

As for Evil, it has been at -10 for a while. It will never change. The first mistake we make equates us to the negative level. I say this because we really have nothing to add to anything. However, if we choose to go with a positive Y coordinate we must put away the negative Y. This is because 1 + (-1) = 0. This is good to remember because if you ask the one person, who was righteous, how to be righteous, then he will explain to you that you must be uplifted to a higher level by he who is righteous. Since you know no men or women in your life to be truly righteous, then who do you depend upon to be your positive Y coordinate and give your X a value above zero.

Finally, once the positive one comes to uplift us. We must recognize his greatness and say, "I realize that I was wicked, but you have made me new and given me value. My past is in the past, and until I change I will always be in your grace because I could not attain this level on my own. You give me value because now I am still a negative or zero value, but you give me freedom from the others and make me different." This is the answer to our purpose. Fret and worry not upon the past, but look to the future. For in our lives we have been given talents and abilities from the positive one in our life. Therefore, we must invest good to get good. As for true forgiveness and freedom, it must come form a person who was perfect and suffered upon this world because of our mistakes and imperfections. Our own forgivingness is merely to get us through life, and it is not good for things to come; it is also temporal. Life was never meant to be easy, and no man deserves his life more than another so let the past be the past, I promise you God won't hold it against you if you repent of it.

Chapter Five: Regurgitation

"Thus he overthrew those cities and the entire plain, including all those living in the cities-and also the vegetations in the land. But Lot's wife looked back, and she became a pillar of salt."

-Genesis Chapter 19:25-26

What must we do after the death of our old lives of strife? I don't have much to say because the answer is obvious. We must not look back at our troubles. We must look forward towards the end where our final goal is, and a new future awaits us. To look back is certainly death. Do they put blinders on a race horse to look back at dirt already trampled? Does a sprinter look back to see his opponent behind him without losing ground?

We must look at our life, and realize that we are a very different person from what we were before; the difference between who we were then, and who we are now is like night and day, and it is just as they say, "We once were lost, but now we are saved."

"I remember before I was saved, I used to struggle with hate of the world and everything in it, but now I love life and everything in the world, with the exception of sin. Once upon a time, I used to hate God, and I wished for death. However, I have come to realize that God is to be loved for He is my very reason to want to be. Slowly but surely, all of the sins I struggle with dwindle away from me as far as the east and west. I say this because a time ago I used to indulge in a lot of sins, the worst being idolatry, and now I have put aside this sin, finding it repulsive for someone like me who knows better than to worship a dead object. Later, I struggled with lust more and more, but now the battles are won, and I am a much better guiltless person. I call these two the worst sins because they are like pin pricks, and slowly they eat away at your heart taking away from your life, quelling those things you consider sacred, while they defile your mind and turn your heart against God. Then of course, I would have never known these things if it weren't for Christ making right what was wrong in my life, for I would have thought that these things were a part of normal healthy behavior. Because of my change, I have come to realize the difference between right and wrong, and now I understand how truly deprived humanity is, for our morals often change from society to society; we often do what we feel is right. But now that I understand my sinful nature, I live not by the changing morality of society, which changes like the waves in the sea, demonstrating the stability of a "wishy washy" building with no foundation, constantly shifting like time itself and the sands in the desert, for I live by a higher code, and it is called "ethics". To this very day, the ethics of God have carried me better than the morality of society, and since this change I have been a far better person than I once was, only struggling with guilt on occasion from the past sins, the sins I had done as I lived under society's morality. Because my life is structured around the ethics of God, I am a very different person from what I was. Now as I finish, I reiterate that which others have said that applies to my life incredibly, "I once was lost, but now I'm saved;" as of now, the life of my past is as different from my current life as the difference is between night and day. For I realize the difference, between who I am now and who I was in the past, every time I look in the mirror." As stated from "Solidity of Purpose."

In our life, our past may come up again, or we may make another mistake. But when the past regurgitates itself, we must realize that we are loved. We must understand that these things are merely obstacles trying to make us become what we have traveled so far not to be. They are negatives trying to take away our newer value and purpose. Do not look back, otherwise you may find the death you saw in your past, and you will not be free from the circle. You will merely repeat it as the man from the beginning was learning.

Chapter Six: Victory

"If I want him to remain alive until I return, what is that to you? You must follow me." (John 21:22)

"In our life we are given one mission. This mission is to develop a relationship with God and to tell the world about Christ. The means however change. For example in the verse above Jesus was telling Peter not to worry about what everyone else was doing or what God is doing for them, only worry about what God has for him. Long story short, everyone is given their own spiritual blessing in Christ. With these blessings we must give thanksgiving and prayer. For we were made alive in Christ, and all of our gifts help to comprise the body of Christ; therefore, we are one in Christ. Just as Paul preached to the Gentiles and prayed for the Ephesians, we must also preach to the lost and pray to God for others knowing that Christ has a specific task for us all, and we are to be individually accountable for those gifts that God gave us. It is to be realizing that there is unity in the body of Christ. "We must be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love, because there is one body and one Spirit- just as you were called to one hope when you were called- one Lord, one faith, one baptism; one God and Father of all, who is over all and through all and in all. But to each one of us grace has been given as Christ appointed it." (Ephesians 4:2, 4:4-7) We must be living as children of the light, or imitators of God. We must live a life of love just as Christ loved us, while submitting to Christ, as a wife must submit to her husband, and a husband loves his wife. We must obey God, as children must obey their parents, and know that God will not provoke you." As stated in "Solidity of Purpose."

"However, I tell you the truth; if we were to repent these things and turn to Christ we can be forgiven. Do not bring lawsuits against believers, or indulge in sexual immorality. In marriage do not separate from your wife. Love her as Christ loved the church. This should be a dead issue; we should know these rules by now, even some pagans know the importance of marriage despite its failure in America. If your brother struggles with a sin then in love do not tempt him. For as Disciples of Christ we are all free to do what we want, but we must make our self a slave to everyone to win souls. Learn from the sins of the past, flee from idolatry, and cherish Christ's sacrifice.

Remember that in Christ, everything is permissible, but everything is not beneficial. Once again love your brothers and sisters. There are also many other gifts such as prophecy, tongues, and much more, but I don't want to go into detail over everything under the sun, I merely want to say use your freedom correctly, and bless others with your myriad of gifts." Also stated in "Solidity of Purpose."

There is only one sure thing about our past sins. We must make amends and repent of those sins of the past for true freedom in life. We must live for a purpose and not for another man's purpose. We are all created differently for a reason to handle different tasks. Each of us is special and designed to fill a niche in this thing we call life. As stated earlier, no man is worse than another. We are all equally wicked. The only difference between me and some is my belief in Christ, and the special tasks God created me for. But then, the special task is not much different. For we all have an individual task that equates to making the world go around. To realize this is what will give us victory in our loss of purpose. If you have a question about your purpose, then ask your creator. Find a purpose to your life. If you are still struggling, then do what is right and invest goodness into the world. I promise you that if you search for wisdom, then it will come to you. If you look for truth, then it will come. Declare victory over evil and accept goodness.

Chapter Seven: Conclusion

"In my life I had started out a wretched man, born once of my mother into my flesh, a sinner with no hope of anything on the path to Hell. Then one day learning of Christ sacrifice, receiving understanding from the Holy Spirit, and repenting of my sins, I had given up my evil ways. Now, I am saved, and here I am flying on my Father's wings. The One who died on the cross for my sins... Forever I will be upon his hands, and when I can no longer walk, He will carry me with His love. For I am a child of Christ and that faith at which I lack I beg God for, so that I may have faith like a mustard seed that starts small and grows larger than the mountains. God shall protect me so that in the end times I will not be deceived by the false prophet." As stated from "Solidity of Purpose."

I understand all to well that in our life there are a million sorrows. They seem like they go on forever. There is no interim ending. However, I promise you, if you hold on and learn from your pain you can grow to be stronger than most. That voice who is gentle wants you to keep on going. No problem is too big for God.

The sins of your past may engulf you. Another's sin may burn you. Fortunately this is not how the final ending will be. Do not get lost in the sentences. Read the writing on the wall and know that you are loved and can come back from the grave.

Repent of your sins. Forgive yourself and forgive your brother. Know that God's grace and forgiveness is eternal, and there is will be an end to suffering if you trust in God. Please keep on going.

Put your sins in the past. The future is tomorrow. And those troubles that you now face will seem petty once you put them in the past and perspective. Look upon those things that are good. You will not be disappointed.

When you are said distance away, do not look back. There is nothing for you in the misery of your own sin. Be happy that you have lived to surpass your struggles. Even when your evil is thrown in your face, remember that you are loved.

Victory can be declared. If God can claim victory over death, then why not let him claim victory over your life. Let him seek out troubles and burn them. I promise that He cares. He surely loves you so much that your name is written on his hand.

To conclude, I ask you to use my seven step program. I call it A, B, C, D, E, F, G the alphabet to freedom. Step One: Admit you are wicked. Step Two: Believe that you can change. Step Three: Continue on the race. Step Four: Depend on Christ who is righteous and repent. Step Five: Entice positive good thoughts and any true goodness for peace. Step Six: Forgive yourself because God forgave you once you repented. Step Seven: Give compassion to invest blessings upon others so they can be free like you.

Epilogue

Are you that kid staring at the mirror waiting to end it all? Please, throw that knife down. You may be thinking you are at the end of your rope. But that gentle voice telling you to stop is good. He can help you... There is a solution to your problems I promise. Purpose will give you freedom. I know what it is like to be staring at that mirror and facing the questions you face. Please don't end it... You have a purpose, and you are loved. If not by anyone else, then know that I wrote this book just for you. I once stood in that mirror, for I was that kid at the beginning. But God did not let me end my life because He had a purpose for me. Now I share my purpose with you. God wants you to know that if you can forgive yourself, than you will be free. I just got over a struggle today on January 24, 2005. I am still going. Please keep going if not for anyone else then for me so I can one day meet you and share God's triumphs with you from my life. Learn from my pain. Sincerely, Yusun Y. Beck... God bless you all.

If you need help then call 1-800-SUICIDE. It is toll free in the USA and they are a 24-hr hotline. They are the National Hopeline Network. Or call a man of God. Seek help from your closest friends. If you are side swiped by others then trust in God, and ask for His help. If you need someone to talk to, then contact me at a1c_iceman@hotmail.com. This is a fight you don't have to struggle with alone. There is help.