Solutions to Boredom: Things to Do Between Hits of a Cigarette

Have you even been so bored that you would read an Associated Content column for advice on what to do with your life? Well, you're not alone. Enjoy this list of things to occupy your time.

Count the cigarettes you have left. (Hint: it's one less than you had before).

Make a phone call to The President of The United States and request an end to the war in Iraq. (Speak slowly and be nice).

When he hangs up, call back and call him an ass. (A big fat jerkface Republican ass).
Try to figure out why those black helicopters keep following you around. (See above line).

Masturbate (Don't burn yourself!)

(Unless you like that kind of thing... in which case, BURN AWAY YOU SICKO)

Call your mom and tell her you appreciate what a great parent she was, and how sometimes it was okay for her to be violent with you (No mommy! Not the hose again!)

Eat a cheeseburger. You deserve it. (Unless you're a vegetarian, in which case, more for me!) Take a drive to the closest emergency room to get that curious red rash looked at. (It's best we just keep that our little secret. Thank God for doctor-patient confidentiality.)

Grab a local newspaper and see what operas are playing in your area. Laugh, throw the paper away, and go do something manly (like burn some scented candles).

Tell your girlfriend that you're leaving her for a dude. Allow her to freak out and throw all your shit on the front lawn, then tell her it was a joke and finish your cigarette. (Works best if she was already a little homo-suspicious).

Put in a nice relaxing CD. (Like Metallica or Slipknot)

Crack open a beer and watch television. Repeat. After a while, you should be convinced that everyone on TV is also drunk. (This is especially true for Sportscenter anchors and Senator Ted Kennedy.)

Think about life for a while. (Try to put yourself in the Mayans shoes. Would you have conquered the Egyptians and destroyed their Coliseum? Would you have flown to America to invent the cotton gin? Who would win in a game of shuffleboard- The '86 Mets or the '94 Duke Blue Devils? Cite your sources and be specific.)

Unless you're smoking a telephone pole sized cigarette, you should be done by now. If not, rinse and repeat.