Solving Family Conflict During Holidays

Solving family fights during holidays puts a huge damper on everyone's holiday experience. Instead of being able to relax and enjoy the season, the season often gets colored by family feuds that require time spent in resolving these matters. Not a good way for family members to experience the holidays, nor does it make for a positive environment for kids to be in at a time that is supposed to be known for joy.

Whether the conflict is an old or new issue, it's best to try to get beyond it. But you may feel that it's the other person's fault and it's their place to apologize to you.

Having some of my own family feud issues, I recently asked a family psychologist for some advice. She happens to be an aunt to one of my children's friends, and had some ideas for steps that can be taken when these conflicts arise during the holiday season. Here were some of her suggestions.

Listen Without Anger

You may find that taking the higher ground by approaching your relative for a bit of a one on one time may be helpful. This time shouldn't be seen as a "we need to talk" experience, but rather "I need to listen".

This is the time for you to turn off the voice in your head that argues about everything you find wrong with what's being said to you. It's a time for you to attempt seeing another person's experience with the conflict.

When you hear something that enrages you, respond by choosing not to become angry. In this way you'll be better able to at the very least, understand your relative's perspective, and respond appropriately and calmly by having all the pieces of the picture in place.

Validate

Stay composed while you're responding with your updated understanding of the other persons viewpoint. It always helps to begin by validating what's been said to you so your relative is convinced that you actually heard and understand things accurately. Tell them you hear what they're saying and you get it, then….

At this point you can ask that person if they'd be willing to listen and begin to understand your perspective. If you've listened and haven't responded in anger, chances are they'll be willing to do the same for you.

Find an Alternative

Once you've both peacefully stated your case, you can then move forward looking to problem solve. Together, calmly, you can both contribute to brainstorming some ideas that could be helpful in getting past the conflict and on to some great holiday memories.