Some Days I Want to Stay in Bed : Life with Autism

Autism is a Brain Disorder that currently affects one in one hundred and fifty children in the United States. This Brain Disorder is more common than childhood cancer, diabetes and AIDS combined. It can occur in all ethnic and social backgrounds. Autism affects a child's ability to communicate and relate to others. Symptoms can vary in range from mild, or as they call it "High Functioning", to severe. My daughter was diagnosed about a year ago with Asperger's.

It's Tuesday morning, I go in and kiss my daughter and get ready to get her up for school. She opens her eyes, looks at me and rolls over and pulls the blankets up over her head. She yells, "No, I'm not getting up. I'm tired." I think to myself, "Is this going to be one of those days"? Sure enough it started out that way. Since we have about an hour before she needs to be at school, I get her dressed, get her breakfast; let her watch her favorite morning cartoons. Then she asks me about a pencil. She wants just any ordinary pencil. Then the meltdown begins. It just depends on what she is going through on that particular morning. But today it was"The Pencil". I knew we were getting ready for a major one, so I run around the house looking for that certain pencil. I don't find it; I give up because at this point nothing is going to make her happy. I grab her backpack and I head out the door. I can hear her in her bedroom, throwing herself down, screaming and crying. At this point she has no idea what she is even crying for.

I stand outside on my patio, close the door and sit on a patio chair. I know what needs to be done because we go through the same ritual day after day. I take a couple of deep breaths, and I go back inside. I grab my daughter and pick her up. She weighs more than 50 pounds. Imagine this...it's about 7:45 A.M. I'm carrying my seven year old daughter over my shoulder; I have her backpack in my hand, left my purse on the patio. She is screaming and fighting, all for a stupid pencil.

We get to the car I literally toss her in there. She is still screaming and has no idea why at this point. I tell myself traffic is going to bad. We pull out of the driveway and there is a high school next door and some idiot decides, he is going to drop off a couple of kids and block me in. He doesn't look my way or even glance at me. I try to be patient, but meanwhile Morgan is still going at it. Then Mr. Idiot decides he is going to go now, and let's me through, so we go. Traffic is a nightmare, her school is around the block literally and it takes about 12 minutes just to get there. That is Southern California for you.

We pull up at my daughter's school and she just freezes. She won't move. She won't look at me. I'm wearing sweats and slippers. I don't want to get out of the car and it is getting later and later, so I yell finally after all this she looks at me like I am someone awful. I put my head down. I cover my face with my hands, because of course I feel like the World's Worst Mother. She gets out of the car. She is crying she closes the car door and there are mothers with their children, teachers all staring at my daughter. They turn and look at me like," Wow what did you do?" They are whispering in each other's ears, and I sigh.

This is my life. This is just what happens and I learn to deal with it day by day. Why should I have to explain myself to others? I shouldn't have to, so I don't. I just wish some days I could stay in bed.