Some FAQs About Planning Your Child's Birthday Party

Every year, when I start planning the birthday parties for my daughters, I find myself agonizing over their invitation lists. After all, they have classmates from school, friends from gymnastics or music or dance classes, and playgroup friends. Include the siblings of the invited children and children of my own mom friends, and we end up with a list that's larger than the armies of some small countries!

I started to try to work through a criteria: "If I don't invite their friends from school, then I could invite their playgroup friends. But they see their friends from school at least three times a week, and some of playgroup friends they see only every few months. But they were invited to the birthday parties of the playgroup friends, so should we invite them back? Are we expected to reciprocate? What if I hang out with the moms? Does that mean I need to invite their kids? What about siblings? Should I invite them? Will people assume that siblings are invited even if I decide that siblings aren't invited?" and on and on. It was enough to make my head spin! Then I decided to ask my girls what they wanted. I started to go through the list and ask "Do you want her at your birthday party? How about him?" Of course, they generally replied "yes" to everyone. So that didn't help. Maybe that will work better when tney're older.

While I was working and reworking the list for the umpteenth time, I mentioned my dilemma to other moms, and guess what? It seems that EVERYONE was having the same issue! The problem is that many outside locations have a limit to the number of children that you can have at their birthday parties. (Or there are space limitations if you're having it at your own house.) If you invite more children, will you have enough goody bags? So I started to wonder if there were any "official" guidelines for birthday etiquette, like an "Emily Post on Children's Birthdays," as it seems we could all use some help in that arena, so that we don't inadvertently commit a "birthday faux-pas."

I ended up asking the moms around me (Many thanks to the MOMS Club of Heathrow, Florida) for their thoughts and advice. Based on their collective comments, I have compiled the following list of birthday party FAQs (Frequently Asked Questions).

Q: Who should I invite to my child's birthday party?

A: It depends on the age of the child, but when they're 1 or 2, it's likely to be the children of your friends and neighbors that you frequently interact with. At this age, they probably won't remember anyway so it can be more about you and fulfilling any "social obligations" you might feel you have. Or you can skip the Big Party completely and your child will be none the wiser. Remember, at this age, YOU call the shots.

If your child is older, the invite list becomes a lot trickier, because now the invitation list is no longer about your social obligations, but about your CHILD and what she wants. At age 3, she will probably be able to tell you who she wants to be there (everyone) but less able to tell you who she is willing to cut from the ever-growing list of potential invitees. However, you should think about who she spends most of her time with, and who she most ENJOY spending their time with. You want the party to be about YOUR CHILD. If you have relatives and friends who want to help your child celebrate, you can have a second celebration, perhaps a dinner on a different day, to include the adults and relatives and children of your close friends that are not necessarily close friends of your child.

Parents of older children have recommended the following: At age 4 and up, it should be entirely the child's choice, not the parents' choice. They know who they would like to be there. Obviously if there's an "all or none" rule with party invites at school, then you'll still need to abide by that, and you can guide your children when constructing the invite list. Just remember, if your child is not invited to someone's birthday party, PLEASE DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY!

Q: If I don't know someone in my playgroup, but I'm inviting several children from my child's playgroup, do I need to invite the child(ren) of the person I don't know?

A: You are absolutely under NO obligation to invite someone you don't know. However, if they just moved into the neighborhood and you want to make them (or their child) feel welcome, and you have space to spare at your child's party, then you may choose to invite them. However, there is NO REQUIREMENT that you must invite ALL members of a particular playgroup. If you're one member of a playgroup that wasn't invited to a particular party, please DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY!

Q: My younger (or older) child was invited to a birthday party. Can the sibling come too? When is it acceptable to bring a sibling? Do you ask first, or can you just show up, sibling(s) in tow?

A: As many of us have more than one child, this is often an issue. Please do NOT assume that siblings are invited. There are often headcount limitations at parties (especially at a gym or other outside location) or a limited number of treat bags prepared for the invited guests. When in doubt, ASK before bringing the siblings along. And, once again, please don't take it personally if the sibling is asked to stay home!

Q: If my child is invited to a party but we decline the invitation, do I need to give a gift anyway?

A: No, if you are not going to a party for any reason, you are NOT required to give a gift. Of course, if it is a close friend, we would still give a gift.

Q: My child was invited to a friend's birthday party last year. Should I expect an invitation again this year?

A: Not necessarily. How often do these two children see each other? If they see each other frequently, and are good friends, then an invitation might be likely. But even that is not a foregone conclusion that an invitation is forthcoming. If your child is not invited, please don't take it personally! There are often family and financial reasons why a child's party may be small with a limited invitation list (or there is no party at all).

Q: My child was invited to a friend's birthday party last year. Do we have to include this friend on the invitation list?

A: Not necessarily. You can draw some inspiration from the answer above. How often do these two children see each other? If they see each other frequently, and are good friends, then you probably want to invite this friend, but that depends on the size of party you're having.

Q: When should I RSVP for a party?

A: Please let people know right away, as soon as possible whether you plan to attend the party. In fact, you are encouraged to reply the day you receive the invitation, if you know whether you plan to attend or if you know you are unable to attend. This is the most considerate thing to do for the moms, as it gives the moms enough time for an accurate count. Another reason to let people know right away especially if you are NOT planning to attend is to give them a chance to invite another child.

Q: What time should I arrive at a birthday party?

A: In general, for children's birthday parties, you want to show up at (or close to) the start time. Especially when the party is being held at a location specifically set up for birthday parties, such as a children's gym, these parties are conducted on a pretty rigid schedule, as they usually have several parties scheduled through the day. Thus if you arrive "fashionably late" your child may miss some significant parts of the planned activities. This also applies to house parties, as there is sometimes hired entertainment (such as a petting zoo, costumed character or magician) that will only be at the party for a short time.

Q: What kind of goody bags and party favors should I supply?

A: When I was a kid, we usually got party hats and a blower. These days, the party favors can go from simply a sticker and candy to the über-elaborate gift bag packed full with goodies and toys, like Halloween and Christmas arriving all at once! We only have one request: Please make sure the contents are age-appropriate for the recipients. For example, goody bags for babies probably shouldn't contain items that can be choking hazards, and a goody bag from a 3-year old's party probably shouldn't include nail polish! We expect, of course, that all goody bags would be opened with adult supervision, but it is safer to simply omit questionable items.

Well, there you have it! I hope these Birthday Etiquette FAQs help some of you out a bit! Just remember, if you stress too much over birthday parties now, how on earth are you going to be able to handle planning weddings later on? (Yikes, I don't want to think about that either! Let's get through potty training first)! When you start getting too stressed out about it, just repeat this mantra: "It's not personal. It's just a birthday party."