Some Peculiar Predictions for 2010

The recent trend in designer dog hybrids will segue into even more specialized realms of pets. For a consumer who is having difficulty deciding between a dog and a cat, now she won't have to. New inter-species breeding will combine the cuteness of a hybrid dog with the sleekness of a hairless cat in such fashionable designs as the Maltipoo-Pussy. Labradoodles and puggles will soon be passé, but if you do desire a canine of two breeds, then stay au courant by adding a new pet skill set to the mix-edibility. First you play with your Labrasnickerdoodle, then you enjoy it as a tasty snack; this is forced obsolescence at its best. No need to bathe your Gingerbread Puggle, unless you wish to dip it in a glass of skim milk.

2. Rogue taxidermy meets extreme makeover reality TV-

If you're still waiting for your old-school pet to phase itself out, keep in mind that you'll have the chance to express yourself with futuristic flair soon. Have you heard of rogue taxidermy, a burgeoning art form in which obsolete animal parts are fashioned and fused into stylish new entities? Well, once your traditional pet meets its maker, you can introduce it to a new maker, who will style it into an alternative piece of art that you can wear, sit on, or simply display. If you can't wait that long or if economic hardship is making it difficult for you to maintain your pet in its current state, then you might consider selling it to a new reality TV show, in which taxidermied pets are made to compete with each other in a sort of bizarre extreme makeover slash beauty pageant slash dog show of sorts. Will the standard poodle with implants win? Tune in for the newest scoops.

3. Ghosts in Crisis-

Speaking of trends in TV, Ghosts in Crisis is poised to hit it big. This oddly innovative program will combine the popularity of paranormal investigation shows with the audience's voyeuristic interest in ever more dysfunctional human interest stories about addiction and mental illness. You already know and love such shows as Intervention and Hoarders, so why not take your strange attraction to otherworldly disorder to an otherworld? The catchy formula of Ghosts in Crisis works like this: first, a team of paranormal experts tracks down the latest episode's ghost in crisis-next, viewers get an inside glimpse of this ghost's troubled psyche and why it has been unable to cross over-and finally, self-help gurus offer our ghost the counseling it needs to make its transition into the white light. Word on the street is that a competing network is developing a show about ghost nannies.

4. Pre-Programmable Energy Drink/Sleeping Pill-

In the spirit of multi-tasking, automation, and placation, several popular energy drinks will be combined with several leading sleeping pills. Each of these sleekly packaged formulas will consist of a smooth, synthetic beverage with a high tech module built right into the packaging. If you thought vibrating mascara wands were advanced, wait until you get a load of this new application. The user simply uploads some data about his schedule or the rhythms of her day, whereupon this smart-drink will use its special fizzy molecules to gauge when to give you energy and when to kick in as your sleep aide. No pesky brain scan required; this savvy new process works based on synergetic ionization of exotic grape seed oil. When the sleeping pill effect kicks in, your drink will automatically update your Facebook status and Tweet your dreams. You'll be dreaming about hybrids of pink marshmallow Peeps and hand-held robots.

5. Chocolate-Covered Bacon is the New Painkiller-

Literally, delicious chocolate-covered bacon will be fused with every painkiller imaginable, from your basic aspirin to your highly advanced anxiety-inhibiting meds. This way, self-medicating will be even more trendy, plus you won't suffer from a headache or undue angst when you start to gain weight. Instead of getting all bent out of shape about your flab, you can just sell yourself to a new extreme makeover reality TV show in which celebrity ghosts use their special siphoning devices (specially constructed via a cutting edge new variation on rogue taxidermy) to perform a new kind of liposuction, while you continue to chow down on bacon blissfully. Then you can buy the new test tube meat cellulite cream.