Some Reasons Men Give for Being Violent to Their Partners

During delivery of my domestic violence and violent offender programs many violent men have said to me, "Women like it when you hit them", or "She knows that I really love her if I hit her" or "She asked me for it". One of my responses is, "No-one likes to be hit". Some of them also believe that if they stopped hitting their partners that their partner would leave them. Is this true and are these men telling the truth?

One of the myths about domestic violence is that the victim "asked for it" or "deserved it". In truth no-one ever deserves to be abused.

One of the many strategies taught during these groups is to 'take time out'. This involves leaving a situation where you recognize that you are 'getting hot'. As I'm sure most of you already know not much ever gets resolved during hot, angry shouting matches; hence leaving the situation, taking time out can be a useful strategy.

But many of these men have told me that it is very difficult to take time out. They tell me that their women 'hound' them until they finally give in and batter them. From the stories they tell me and from my first hand experience of witnessing interactions between partners I can understand what they mean.

In one instance I had a niece and her partner living with me for a while and her partner had attended at least a couple of violent offender programs. I saw him using many of the techniques and strategies taught during these groups. I saw him being aware that he was getting 'hot' and I saw him communicating with her in a clear, cool and non insulting way and I also saw him remaining calm, saying nothing so as not to inflame the situation and as she escalated the situation I saw him telling her that he was about to take 'time out'. In fact he used many of the communication strategies very well.

His partner did indeed appear to be 'hounding' him in the manner I mentioned earlier. And she even did appear to be 'asking for it'. From details given to me in both individual counseling sessions and in these group sessions I believe those men who tell me that their partners, "won't let up" until he 'finally blows his top'.

The question now becomes why might a victim of violence act in such a way? Does she really want it? Is the man right in saying that the woman, "really knows he loves them" if and when he batters her? I think that in this world where there is so much 'dysfunctional love' that the statement is true in a twisted kind of way.

I heard it said somewhere that, "negative strokes are better than no strokes" and there does seem to be some truth to this statement. So often couples in abusive relationships seemed glued together by some inextricable kind of dysfunctional relationship glue. Often neither partner likes to be without the other partner for very long and such couples are co-dependent. Women's refuge workers and law enforcement officers will back up this fact all the time. Women in refuges often seem to be in the refuge for a week or two before returning to their violent partner once again. And in her absence the estranged man often seems suicidal and obsessed in regaining the love of his partner.

Having worked in prisons ranging from remand right through from maximum to minimum security levels I so often noticed what was an unofficial profile of the wife killer. He would sit in the remand yard kinda numb gazing into space for hours on end, hardly moving at all. Occasionally he might wring his hands, hit himself on the head and mutter something like, "I've killed my best friend". It could be easily seen what great pain he was in and the intense loneliness felt. Invariably he desperately wanted her back.

I think that at times of stress partners in such relationships have an intense internal fear of abandonment and through faulty relationships are unable to reach the real intimacy they crave with each other. When apart from their partners they are driven by this fear and badly need to be back with their love object. This internal fear of abandonment is like a very insidious disease. I believe that, in a badly misplaced way couples may feel to be at their most intimate during an 'episode'.

So back to the woman who is 'baiting her man'; driven by an intense fear of abandonment she may be manifesting herself in what indeed appears to be an "asking for it" kind of manner. But does this justify it's deliverance? Of course it does not.

So what is the solution? Partners enmeshed into these dysfunctional relationships need to separate from each other, have time out and learn to love themselves. They cannot learn to love themselves when placed under the stresses such relationships inevitably continue to deliver to each of them. And from the perspective that can be gained from afar many couples can learn how to live together again in a more functional manner though many do also leave each other and move on for good.

Given the right advice, the right type of support and education about intervention services eventually many people manage to move on to develop healthier relationships with both themselves and others. We all need to understand and work together when it comes to breaking the cycles.

Keep posted.