Some Secrets to a Long �semi-happy' Marriage

People often ask me how is it that my husband and I have lasted in our relationship as long as we have. We have been together for 19 years now and will have been married for 19 years this upcoming August (2005). Secrets, they say, what are your secrets?
Well, honestly there are no �secrets' per say but there are some guidelines that couples can follow to help them stay together longer and hopefully happier. Let's look at a few of these �secrets':

First, love each other, completely. Love each other for all of their faults, creaks, crevices, bumps and dirt, maintenance and crankiness, for everything. Know that you are both on the same track in life. If you do not know you are, you need to sit down and talk to find out why. You may not always see eye to eye and that is fine. In fact that is great! It keeps some spontaneity in your lives, some challenge, something that you can work with, work through, and a goal of complete understanding of the one whom you love. This leads us to the next �secret'…
Love unconditionally. Everyone makes mistakes and does things they regret, or says things they regret. You need to know that if you are in it for the long haul, you both will need to forgive and let it go several times in your life. Some times forgiving is the hardest part and forgetting is never completely done, BUT, those thoughts can be put firmly in their place in the back of your memory that you no longer feel the need to think about them. It may take some time for both, but they can be done. Can you forgive cheating, lying, drinking, etc. The answers are a resounding YES! But again, these things take time. Do not expect that overnight you will feel different.

This leads me to the next �secret'…

TALK! OPEN COMMUNICATION…..Yes, guys and gals, this is the dreaded �secret' that can lead and keep your relationship on the right track. Now I am not saying you have to talk ALL the time or when the ball game is on, BUT talking is important, especially to women. We need to know what is going on and that it is all okay. That we are all okay, in our relationship, for ourselves, that our significant others are okay. When you keep communication open, you clear up any doubt that there is something being hidden or kept from the others in our relationships. You are letting those whom you love that you care enough to know what is going on with them, letting them in on your own feelings, even if it is to protect them from your worries, your concerns. You can also stop any thoughts of worry in your significant other that you are trying to �keep' something from them so you must be hiding something. Those thoughts lead on a path all their own and can only lead to lots of anger, pain and a lot of hassles that could have been prevented if you had only taken the time, a few minutes a day at least, to talk. I am not saying have a life long history every day or every time you chat. Talk about how your day goes or how it didn't go; keep up with what you plan on doing over the weekend or on an upcoming vacation or mini-getaway. Talk about your concern over anything and everything but DON'T accuse right off the bat by saying "You're not talking to me, what's going on?! What are you hiding?! Well???!!" Those types of expressions NEVER lead any conversations in any type of fruitful direction. If you are that angry when you want to talk, take some time to get a grip and relax. Then face your worries as they are and probably are just that, worries.

Some other �secrets' that are very valuable to keeping a relationship running I will just point out for now and you can read about them in later articles. Those points are: Trust; Walking away when you are angry; Family first in all accounts, everything else later; Do you �feel' in your heart you are meant to be? You got to feel it; Keeping the same life goals while leading different life paths…i.e.: Traveling together in life with the same life goals but helping each other get there by each traveling a �different' path, but the same; and Make It Work! There are some cases that cannot be fixed, that cannot be talked out, or repaired. In those cases you will just have to walk away and sadly in this lifetime, more and more that is happening. Hopefully I can share enough of what helps myself and my husband make it work and have worked for as long as we have, to help someone else out there have a stronger, healthier, longer relationship. I wish you all well and always remember my favorite saying:

"You got to learn to bend like the Willow tree." Whenever a storm in your life strikes, plant your feet firmly and take the brunt force that life tries to deal out to you, face it head on. Eventually the storm will subside and there may be some aftermath to clean up afterwards, but the beauty of the sunshine and the possible rainbow after the storm, outweighs any problems that you have ever had to deal with. Then relax and take time to smell the roses and enjoy life! It's your life! Shouldn't you enjoy living in it?! Go live it!!