Some States I Can Do Without

One of the many problems with our country is that, like hoarders, we have way too much junk with states scattered around on the floor and piled up so high, we can barely weave our way to the crapper in time to take a piss. The old woman who lived in a shoe was indeed a hoarder with so many children she didn't know what to do. One of the things she should have done was keep her damn legs together, or failing that, visited an abortion clinic. Being the pro-death kind of guy I am, I think it's time we take a wire coat hanger to a few of our 50 states.

Alaska

I have a rule: If it's not attached to the contiguous 48, it's not a state-unless it's a tropical paradise, which Alaska clearly is not. But we don't even need that rule to make Alaska ineligible for statehood. People dumb enough to elect Sarah Palin for anything more difficult than room mother don't deserve a spot on our planet. Yes, I know Alaska's scenery is good to look at, but so is Jessica Simpson and we don't need her either.

Texas

The biggest mistake our country ever made was winning the Civil War. Nearly a century-and-a-half later, the Lone Star State has again been threatening secession and I say this time let them go. Hey Texas! Take your evolution-eradicated school textbooks, put your tails between your legs, and go back to the 1830s where you belong! In exchange for your freedom, we get to keep the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders.

Utah

Who the hell needs a state full of people who don't drink?

Nevada

Legalized gambling and prostitution! Vices like that usually win big points with a guy like me, but the state is a friggin' desert. Let's pick up Vegas and move it a couple hundred miles west to California where it belongs so we can dump this otherwise useless expanse of land.

Arizona

More desert, plus a batshit crazy Republican chick as governor.

Montana

Lots of open land sparsely occupied by people with sparsely occupied heads, Montana is the state that produced the Unabomber and is a haven for those crazy white supremacist militias.

Wyoming

See Montana.

Rhode Island

In order to call yourself an island, you have to actually be an island. Besides, any state smaller than Oprah is useless. What's the point? Let Massachusetts and Connecticut each have a chunk and be done with it.

Nebraska

Many historians believe that, like the Lost City of Atlantis, Nebraska may only be a rumor. Others claim it is located somewhere around Kansas and the Dakotas, but no one has ever been interested enough to try to find it. Either way, it's time to remove the concept of Nebraska from our minds and replace it with something more useful-like the concept of nude women's beach volleyball.

Virginia/West Virginia

They used to be one state and then were broken into two. Here's a vote for combining them back into one and then taking a jackhammer to it, and busting it into little, tiny pieces that can be swept up and used to fill potholes in the highways of the states we keep. I'm a strong believer in recycling.

Iowa

A pointless, flat chunk of land filled with corn. The only reason same-sex marriage is legal in Iowa is because they're confident no self-respecting homosexual would be caught dead in a state where overalls are in vogue.

Indiana

I've driven through Indiana many times and I still don't understand why it's there. All it does is make my drives from Illinois to Ohio a lot longer than necessary. It's time to remove Indiana-just expunge it from our maps. Yes, some of my state purges are based solely on personal convenience.

On Probation:

New Jersey

You have until Friday to hunt down all the Guidos and Guidettes that so heavily populate your shores and have them spayed and neutered before they mate. The future of America is in your hands!

Delaware

For years you'd been sitting there, being good and just minding your own business. I'd guess a majority of Americans didn't even know Delaware existed, and then came the whole Christine O'Donnell fiasco and your cover was blown. Fortunately, you dodged a bullet-but still, 40% of you voted for the little witch!? Had she won, you and Chrissie would have been sent packing with the rest of these losers.

Florida

The hanging chad on the ass of America is responsible for sticking us with eight years of Ernest T. Bass in the White House, which would normally be enough of a crime to be cut loose and left floating in the ocean. But warm weather, Jimmy Buffett, and bikini-clad women on South Beach save Florida from extinction. You're safe now, but beware: I am watching you!

Especially the bikini-clad women on South Beach.