Some Things that Are Older Than John McCain

As a man in his mid-fifties, I thoroughly enjoy making fun of old people. I figure I have another 30 years or so before most everyone older than me will be dead, so I'm going to take advantage of it now.

One of the men hoping to fill the office of President of the United States is John McCain. At somewhere around the age of 90, McCain would be, by my math, something like 110-years-old if he were to complete two terms of office. That's pretty damn old, don't you think? But it wouldn't make him the oldest living thing. Here are a few things older than John McCain...

The Earth

If you believe in science, this globe on which we are floating is approximately 4.5 billion years old. If you believe in fairytales, biblical scholars say the planet was created by the big guy in the sky 6,000 years ago. That would be just a few years before Eve gave birth to McCain and his brother McAbel.

The Constitution

The Constitution of the United Sates was ratified way back in 1789; and, despite the best efforts of the current administration, the document upon which our nation is based still lives. Yes, it is trampled, bruised and barely conscious, but still alive and kicking--kind of like John McCain.

Trees

Some giant sequoias of northern California have been estimated to be around 4,000 years old. The oldest living tree, however, was recently discovered in Sweden. The visible portion of the tree is not nearly as old as its roots, which are estimated to have been winding their way through the dirt for an amazing 9,550 years! This is unlike John McCain, whose visible portion is every bit as old as his root.

Turtles

The Galapagos tortoise has a life expectancy of 150-200 years. The Arizona McCain has a life expectancy of only 100-120 years, so it seems pretty safe to say that there are tortoises that are older than John McCain.

Clams

These ocean denizens have been known to survive 200 to 300 years. A 405-year-old clam was discovered last year by scientists who had to kill it in order to determine its age. Some scientists believe that the same will have to be done to John McCain in order to determine his actual age.

Mt. Etna

The world's oldest active volcano first erupted in 1500 B.C. And, much like John McCain, it has been spewing crap, on-and-off, ever since.

Edna Parker

At 115 years, 61 days old, the Shelbyville, Indiana resident holds the current title of "oldest living person." When asked who would get her vote in the upcoming presidential election, Ms. Parker responded, "Obama, of course! McCain is too old." All right, I made that part up. What she really said was, "McCain is too fuckin' old."