Some Times You Loose Your Self when You Loose a Loved One

My first experience with loss, happened to me at a very young age. I was two when my father passed away from surrocis of the liver. As you can imagine I was really too young to understand the whole grieving process at that time, but as I grew up, I always had such a feeling of emptyness inside me. The fact is I suffered from his death more than I realized. My mother had to work alot because, I also have two older brothers that she now had to support all by her self, so we didnt get to see her much not to mention when we did see her she was tired, and miserable with out him.
As I got older and my brother's moved out, things got a little better for her, but I guess all the damage had already been done to her and she passed away from a heart attack. I was only seventeen when she left us. The pain that I was left to feel after this was unimaginable, that day has changed my life forever. I never want to love some one so much that it hurts that bad again.

Now, the only immediate family that I had left, was my grandmother, and my two older brothers. My brothers and I never really got along too well, I think they kind of resented me because they had to babysit me alot while my mother worked and I was also the youngest and the only girl too. Any how I really felt alone, I started spending alot of time with my grandma, right after I had my first son. My grandmother had just lost her leg to diabetes, so I't was hard to take her out any where; especially with me now having a baby too. I still made sure to spend alot of time with her. When I was pregnant with my second son, she passed away too, also from a heart attack. Again, I was heart broken, hurt, and by this time I was very angry. I would ask God why he did this to me? I just could'nt understand why he would take away all the people that I loved.

Well her death actually brought my brothers and I closer together, maybe because we are learning to love some one while they are here instead of regretting things when they are gone. I'ts very hard for me to make friends, I really dont want to love any one else because they might get pulled away from me too. My children and my brothers are all I have left to love and thats all I can handle so far. I find myself doubting God and wondering if there is a heaven, or is death the end of it all. To keep me from going insane I'd like to believe that there is a heaven, and eventually, I will see every one again when I get there, and fill this emptyness that I feel. I need to learn how to forgive god and make peace with in my self, and learn how to not be scared of loving others. I wish it were as easy as it sounds, but its not, for me. If there is a god why would he make us suffer all the things we suffer through? I've always heard the saying what doesnt kill us will make us stronger, if thats the case then why do I feel weakened?

My youngest child is seven now, and I have been ill for several months, and we havent quite gotten a diagnosis yet, but they are treating me for congestive heart failure. Mean while they are running test to see what is exactly wrong with me. Are my children going to feel the same way I did about God and love? They do say history repeats itself, but i'm not going to let it. Now I have a reason to make peace with in my self and forgive God, and make sure my children understand that it's okay to love people whole heartedly, even if it results in getting hurt. A lesson that has took me a life time to learn.