Sometimes Disagreements Happen Between Parents, but What Will Your Children Think?

Parents are often told to avoid any disagreement in front of their children, especially if the disagreement has to with discipline or rules. On the whole this is good advice. You have doubtless witnessed how clever your child can be at driving a wedge between you and your partner when you are not in complete agreement.

The truth of the matter, however, is that you and your partner will not always agree on maters of child rearing. Sometimes one of you may be over protective. Sometimes one may be too likely to punish the children harshly.

Parents should make it a rule to stay out of disputes between their children and the other parent. This is not easy to do, however. Both your partner and your child may ask you to become involved and expect you to side with them. Avoid this as much as possible - it just sets up triangles, and soon it becomes impossible for any two people in your family to work out difficulties without getting others involved.

If you have made an agreement with your child and your partner intervenes to nullify your agreement, it is important that you do not abandon your agreement with your child just to avoid a confrontation with your partner. Your children need to know that you will stand up for them, and for yourself, when the heat is on. Make a sincere attempt to work out a solution that shows respect for your partner without abandoning your agreement with your child. Otherwise, your child may respect and trust for you.

It is best to work out your basic child rearing philosophy so that you and your partner do not argue in front of your children about basic rules and expectations. You should, for example, have a singular position on issues such as bedtime, table manners, chores, homework, privileges and kinds of disciplinary measures you use to correct misbehavior. On most other topics, you and your spouse may freely disagree. You need not feel compelled to present a united front on politics, hairstyles, clothes styles, music, TV watching, money or most other everyday concerns.

The key to disagreeing is to show respect for your partner's view and avoid the temptation to ridicule or criticize views that are different from your own. Differences are healthy when they are respected. One of the great benefits for children in having two parents is that it gives them two different perspectives on life. If both parents are exactly alike, one of them is unnecessary.

A mother and father can offer their children two distinct views on many issues. This diversity will stimulate your children to think for themselves. You need not apologize for your diverse opinions. Some parents regard any disagreement from their partner as a direct challenge to their authority and as a sign of disrespect. This is a narrow minded view that reflects low self esteem and leads to a lot of unnecessary turmoil and conflict. If you can't stand to have your partner disagree with you on anything, you should examine your heart to see if you can find a different way to feel okay about yourself, other than needing to be right about everything. Look carefully at your assumption that any challenge to your authority represents a personal attack or a sign of disloyalty by your partner.