Sometimes I Hate My Teens What Can I Do?

If you struggle with disliking or hating your teenager at times, you are not alone. Many parents find themselves feeling negative and hostile toward their teens and for good reason. Teens can be rebellious, surly, moody, difficult and downright contemptuous.

Not to mention, trying to understand the reasoning of a teenager can be especially exasperating when they consistently operate from a warped or twisted sense of logic.

Unfortunately, you can't spend the next decade avoiding your teen until these years pass. And as satisfying as it may sound during one of your more difficult days, you can't turn them over to a firing squad at sunrise either. So what can you do to keep from hating or disliking your teen so that you can both survive these years? Actually, more than you may think. Don't despair, read on.

Act Loving Toward Them Even When You Don't Feel Loving

A wise pastor I know once said "teens need to be told every day how much they are loved even if they don't deserve it." Of course, anyone with a difficult, rebellious teen will tell you they definitely don't deserve it. But, without question, they still need it.

But, what if you don't exactly feel loving toward your teen? Fake it. Because even if you don't feel loving, you can still act loving. Does this mean you have to run toward them in slow motion through a field of daisies with open arms? Well, not exactly.

But, a simple touch in the morning when they shuffle past you in the hallway. A kiss on the top of their sleepy head as they grumble over a bowl of Cheerios or even yelling "I love you!" as they run out the door will get the message across.

And here's even better news: the more you do it, the easier it gets. Cognitive-behavioral therapists also contend that if you manage your thought processes about a particular situation that your behavior and feelings will change as well.

So, while there are no guarantees that if you consistently act loving toward your difficult teen he or she will magically change into a more lovable child overnight, it will add something positive to your relationship with them and help you feel less negative toward them as well.

In Many Ways They Really Can't Help It

While it is true teens can and should take responsibility for their behavior and attitudes, it is also true that the brain of a teenager does not always make it easy for them to do so.

Harvard neurobiologist, Frances Jensen, conducted a study on the adolescent brain when to her horror, her own two sons "morphed into other beings" during their teen years.

In the study, Ms. Jensen learned that the two frontal lobes of the brain, the area of the brain where judgment and decision making processes occur, are not completely, neurologically connected in the teenage brain . Hence, their often mystifying lapses in good judgment (among other things) that seem so crystal clear to us adults.

Of course, their neurologically challenged frontal lobes do not excuse their hormonally induced attitude problems. But, it does explain a lot about the behavior of teenagers. Sometimes, just understanding the cause of a problem makes it easier for us to tolerate it.

It's Not Your Fault Even though they Want to say it Is

If you feel you've done your best for your teen and have been a good parent, only to be told by them that every problem in their life is now your fault, the injustice of the accusations can stir deep feelings of anger and resentment. Double that if you've been struggling in your relationship with your teen for several months. Quite simply it wears on you and it becomes very easy to seethe with hostility toward them.

Hearken back, to the previous paragraph, however, and realize that a clear manifestation of a neurologically challenged teenage brain is a diminished capacity to empathize. Or put more simply: teens can incredibly self-absorbed.

So, while it hurts to be misunderstood and unappreciated for your tireless and devoted efforts as a parent, it's very important to realize that their bad attitudes and misery are not your fault.

Even if it takes a few more years for them to see the bigger picture and appreciate the sacrifices you have made for them, be kind to yourself, realizing you really are a good parent.

We Were Teens Once and We Survived

For many of us the teen years are a distant memory. But, just as we survived our teen years to make it into adulthood, so will your teens.

But, if we allow ourselves to get bogged down in the minutia of the day to day struggles with our teen, it's easy to lose site of the fact that that "this too shall pass." As a result, little problems become bigger than they probably should and we find ourselves in a constant state of aggravation and irritation.

But, the truth is, every day brings our teens closer to adulthood and out of the difficult times. Reminding yourself of this one simple fact every day can be enough to turn the tide in your relationship with your teen and build bridges instead of burning them.

If you have been locked into struggles with your teen for a long time, those bridges won't be built in a day. But, one day reaching toward your teen instead of being angry with them brings you another day closer to better times.

Sources:

"Parenting an Angry Rebellious Teen: Is it Your Fault?" December 22, 2010. Associated Content.com. January 31, 2011. http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/6113316/parenting_an_angry_rebellious_teen.html?cat=25

National Association of Cognitive Behavioral Therapists.org