Sophistication 101

There was a time when I frantically Google'd self-help articles every night. I wasn't in any dire situation, but it never hurt to try to improve myself a bit. The one issue I always wanted to figure out was how to come off as more sophisticated. How can I become "that guy" who, at parties and at work, seemed to draw people towards him with his attitude and fascinating nature?

Eventually I found the answer to my questions, not online, but in real life. I once took a class called "Introduction to Marketing" and didn't quite know anyone in class. One afternoon I began speaking with one guy who, for the sake of his privacy, we'll call Carl. Carl was a simple man. He didn't tell exaggerated stories of drunken adventures or brag about how much money he made at work. In fact, he didn't talk much at all. It was then that I learned what it truly meant to be sophisticated: you make people want to talk to you as much as possible. Below are the things Carl has showed me over our five month class.

1. Shut up and listen.
Listening is one of the most important skills you can have, regardless of your profession. They say women love talking about themselves; however, this is also this case with men. As humans, we love having someone we can talk to about our lives. Talking to a peer about our lives is something we need to do. It's basically a mechanism for coping with all the problems life dishes out. As I talked about what I did over the weekend or the football game I went to, Carl maintained eye contact and listened intently. You need to focus carefully on what the person says, hanging on every word as if it's life-or-death. Zipping your lips and just listening to what someone has to say makes them feel comfortable and respected.

2. Trust is everything.
The interesting thing about Carl was that I could confide in him about anything. A true friend is someone you can tell even the most humiliating secret to and be 100% sure they won't tell anyone. Thus, keeping your conversations between you and your peer can make you come off as a long-time friend.

3. R E S P E C T
Respect is something even the most cutthroat businesspeople have. When Steve Jobs of Apple and Bill Gates of Microsoft happen to meet, they don't show dislike towards each other or take cheap shots in the other's presence. When speaking with someone, regardless of your opinion, be the bigger man and show them some respect. True professionals don't talk trash or insult each other. They let their actions speak for them.

4. Use Names.
The simple practice of addressing someone by their name when greeting them has become rare these days outside of the ocassional meeting. Even when greeting someone at a party or passing them while on your way to class, mention their name. At the very least it shows you remember what their name actually is. "Hey Kyle, how's it going?" sounds much more friendly and charming than "Sup?"

5. Show You Care
Something that fascinated me was that Carl made it seem like he cared about what I said, even when he may not have. This is especially important while discussing a sensitive issue with someone. If you are listening to your peer talk about recent health struggles, don't tap your foot or stare at the your watch. If something is of importance to the person you're conversating with, make it important to you. Reply with simple phrases such as "I see." and "How did that go?" to show you are still following along. They will know they have your undivided attention.

6. Remember Your Morals and Values.
Maintaing your morals, values, and beliefs at all times is something very important. One afternoon while in class, our marketing teacher left the room to make a phone call. As the door shut behind him, the class went into a frenzy. The teacher had left his account logged into the school grading system. Suddenly, half a dozen students were at the computer changing grades. Someone asked Carl if he was going to join in, to which he simply replied "No. That's wrong." Consistantly knowing what's right and what's wrong is key. A man who sticks with his morals will always be respected, regardless of whether his peers agree or disagree. Don't spread rumors or talk about people behinds their backs, and, for God's sake, don't edit your grades when you're completely aware your teacher keeps a written record as well.

7. Don't Be Afraid To Show Your Soft Side.
Regardless of what the media may portray, showing your soft side doesn't make you less of a man or humiliate you. In fact, a man who is truly secure and at peace with himself will readily show at least a little bit of emotion. Emotion spices up our conversations, our days, and our lives. Emotion is what makes the world's best speakers great. Passion, happiness, sorrow, despair, whatever. Just show at least a little bit of emotion around your peers when needed. Hey, we're all human after all.

After reading this, you would think Carl became a successful businessman, attorney, or had a similar occupation. He grew up on a farm raising pigs. Eventually, Carl became a machanic in a small town. I guess it goes to show anyone can be sophisticated and charming if they try.