Soul Sucking Freeloaders and How to Get Rid of Them
Or How to Kick Your Deadbeat Cousin-in-law Out of Your House
Before we get to how to treat the problem, let's discuss what some of the warning signs are that you have become prey to a soul leech:
1. Insomnia
2. Nausea
3. Headaches
4. General irratibility
5. Increased arguments with significant other
6. Decline in libido
7. Your water, heating, and grocery bills are going up dramatically
8. Extraneous people show up at your house at all hours of the day to visit your "houseguest"
9. You find various things broken around the house for unexplained reasons
10. You find your houseguest critiquing how you keep house even though they never lift a finger to help
11. Your favorite sweater is being used as a bathroom floor mat in the guest bathroom
12. A general feeling of dread, death, and destruction upon waking in the morning
Bums are very clever in that they slowly ease into one's life without you realizing they are a nefarious soul-sucker. However, if you have identified with three or more of the above warning signs, it is most likely you have fallen victim to the freeloader. The most evil kind of course is the extended family freeloader. Beware these beasts of darkness for they are the most lethal type.
There is hope for those sickened by the extra family that are "visiting" only for a few "days" (months, years, etc.). Some tried and true remedies to aid you in your quest to rid your home of these ghouls and recover your health:
1. Stop buying food. Not for yourself and your immediate family of course, but don't let the "houseguest" know you have food. Either go out to eat, or hide the food you do have. A starving houseguest tends to leave sooner than later.
2. Apologize for having to sell all the beds, couches, sofas, and chairs in the house (except yours, just lock your bedroom door). A houseguest who is forced to sleep on the cold floor starts to get antsy and move on.
3. Turn off the heat or air conditioning, depending on the season. Turning off the electricity and selling all forms of electronic entertainment (tvs, computers, game consoles, etc.) should increase the speed of your guest's exodus as well.
4. Start having extremely loud, raucous, sex. Of course, if your visitor is louder this might not work.
5. If the above ideas don't work, cut to the chase. Throw all the visitor's belongings outside, change the locks, and leave a note - "Have a nice life - don't ever come back".
6. If the guest borrowed your car, report it stolen and claim to not know them.
7. Last but not least, change your name, and move to another state.
Remember the best way to prevent freeloading soul-sucking scum from harming you is to never let them in your house in the first place.
Cheers.
Published by Johnathan Q. Moriarty
Dreamer. Sillyheart. Cousin to the Queen and our beloved Walt Disney. I have many varied interests depending on my mood for the day. I find myself most easily adept at penning humor/satire or brooding mono... View profile
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24 Comments
Post a CommentMy boyfriend moved in with me about 6 months ago. I have been supporting him all this time. I pay for his cell phone, buy him clothes, whatever he needs I provide it for him. I recently found out he uses meth, his younger brother comes over to my home and smokes meth with him. I have tired so many times to end it, but some how, his lies and promises always get the best of me. I need help, I know getting rid of him is the best for me and my kids. He just wont leave!!!
Bob you're awesome! Hoohah!
Got cutoff--
If he wants cola, he can buy it himself. Hide it in your closet if you have to. I'm not kidding. Move the tv in your room. Do whatever it takes to make your home as unappealing as possible.
Bottom line: Having your husband as a partner in a developing an exit-strategy for your unwanted rotund visitor is key.
Hi Pat,
I'm so sorry about your situation. This is so difficult. How does your husband feel about this? My guess is he's probably not too happy about it either if he's a normal human being.
A 34 year old couch potato (and a rather large one at that) is a total home wrecker. He will suck the life out of your marriage and family if you and your husband don't do something.
I would be gentle in your approach to your husband. Antagonizing him over something he may already feel bad about won't work. Ask him what his plans are concerning his son long-term and voice your concerns over his negative influence on your son. Hopefully, you can let him know how you feel and tell him what you want without getting in an argument. If your husband wants his son to move out on his own, it will be much more efficient than you forcing the issue.
In the meantime, I would ignore him as much as possible and do as little as possible for him. If he wants to eat, he can fix it himself.
My husband and I have been together for 16 yrs. We have a 13 yr. old son together, he is a great kid. Last December my husband's son from his first marriage was arrested in Nevada and was brought back to our state to go to court for being a dead-beat Dad. This man is 34 yrs old. He now lives with us, and eats everything...he must weigh close to 400lbs. He sleeps on our couch and is breaking it down. He stays up late and eats all the leftovers in the fridge and drinks all the cola. He unplugs my house phone to charge his cell phone....I'v had it with this freeloading slob. He thinks its funny to let my 13yr old watch crude "R" rated shows after my husband and I go to bed. How do I tell my husband to kick his older son out? I have to or I'm going to leave myself and take my son with me.
Rockin Article!
My husband has turned into one of these since we moved to Oregon 7 months ago. I have no idea what happened. We lived in Alaska and he was a 40-50hr. kind of worker, a hard worker too, a journeyman roofer. Why does he think that our bills are just going to pay themselves? I told him I'm leaving and he can pay the bills on his own. I am sick a freakin tired of the B.S. This has gone on too long.
I hate people who are lazy and wont go to work.I just want to be left along.get a life and do stuff for yourself.I did not take you to raise. stand up be a real person.
my dad has his cousin and wife in his house. they sit at his pc's all day long, have a stinking rottie in the house (dog), they use washer and dryer, and stove, they only buy a few groceries. they don't help with utilities and have been coming to his home for 3 to 4 months a year since 2001. they r the lowest form of scum.
this kid named Rodshene moved in with me and he is disgusting. He smells like a doghole and his breath reeks! I don't think he even has a toothbrush. He's says his mechanical one is "broken". YEAH RIGHT!!!!