Sound Advice for Your Children on Divorce

About eight years ago I went through what I considered a rough divorce. Having seen many friends and family follow down the same path before and after me, I realize that what I thought was a difficult divorce was honestly pretty amicable. My ex husband and I had an eighteen month old little boy when we parted ways. We worked with an attorney to draft up a parenting plan which we stuck to pretty rigorously in the beginning but has become a bit more flexible as our child is now ten years old. There were times when I let my son go stay with his Dad that I knew were difficult and anxious for my son. He often manipulated the situation and called often to come home early and for almost a full year refused to stay over at his Dad's. Luckily my ex husband was open to working through these times and not forcing the issue. We did seek counseling for our son a few different times with his struggles between households. What I learned from the counselor and from other friends and family in the same situation has been invaluable and I'm happy to share the top five thing that I think made a difference in keeping our situation a smooth and well transitioned one. I've put these in the question format that my son asked them in to make it easier to formulate the response that works for you.

1. Why did you and Daddy get divorced? This question is actually the most common and simple question yet honestly the hardest to answer. It's important that you don't place any blame on either party and make sure the child understands they are not the cause in any way. I explained to my son that Daddy and Mommy love him very much and deciding to get divorced was very difficult. I explained that we are very different people and even though we love each other, we are not happy being married and living in the same home. We are happier with each other when we are just friends and have separate residences. This was interesting as well when my ex husband and I both remarried. I had made the mistake in saying his Dad and I fought a lot and so it was better that we weren't married. When my husband and his wife would argue my son thought they should get divorced so that had backfired. I've learned to keep this answer simple and move on. I let him know that the situation was difficult and for us we knew that staying married would be worse than moving on. I try to leave as much detail out as possible and just tell him that we are both very happy now and super glad that he's in our lives. I also tell him he's lucky that he has so many different people that love him.

2. Why do I have to follow different rules at Dad's house than I do at home? The counselor we saw when my son was having challenges staying at his Dad's was a master of great advice. He told me to explain the differences to Dallon like crossing a bridge to another country. When he is at my home he's in Mexico and we eat Mexican food and speak Spanish. We follow the rules in Mexico and we are all good people. When he crosses the bridge over to Canada he goes to his Dad's. In Canada they speak English, they go to bed at a certain time, they watch less TV, etc. but they are also good people and live like Canadians do. My son has a dual passport and can travel to both countries but most follow the rules of each country when he is there. This really helped him to adapt better to the different home lives and not feel like one was better than the other, just different.

3. Why do you have to have a different last name than I do? When people get married it is a custom for the wife to take on the husband's last name. This doesn't mean that I'm not your Mom or people will be confused. We just need to tell them that I'm your Mom but I married someone other than your Dad and so we have different last names. This has actually become a lot easier since there are probably more kid in his class with this situation than with parents who have been together the child's lifetime. Sad, but a true fact.

4. Why don't you and Dad get back together? At times my son loves to spend time with me and his Dad but the step-parents have a tendency to tow the line more with him and so he wishes the "fun" parents would get back together. I've explained to him that opposites attract and it's good that one parent is sometimes more strict so that he'll be well rounded and see what a relationship should be like. He needs to work hard to follow the rule and make it easier on his step-parents because they love him as well.

5. I don't want to go to my Dad' this weekend. This comes up quite a bit the older they get and more friend they have that they want to play with and do things. I explain to him that his Dad looks forward to see him and only gets to every other week where I get to see him every day. If he had a good friend he wanted to see and they didn't have time for him how would he feel? I have to really simplify this down to feelings and making it real to him to get him to see his actions affect others. He also has 2 brothers and a sister that look forward to seeing him so he does understand that piece of it.

Questions will come up that you don't know how to answer. Instead of just trying to come up with something it's best to take a minute or tell them you need to think about the answer and will get back to them. Don't just try to fly by the seat of your pants when your words can have such a lasting effect on your child. Stay positive and remember not to talk poorly of your ex. Children are defensive and should never be pitted against their parents.