Speak Your Beloved's Language of Love This Valentine's Day

One of the pitfalls of special occasions such as Valentine's Day or any other romantic occasion is the issue of what kind of gift will be well-received by the other person. We rack our brains for ideas on what to give the object of our affections, and up till the recent financial collapse, we resorted to just spending more money on something, anything that was promoted as an excellent gift for the love of our lives.

But this is chasing our dream of reciprocated love down a blind alley. What is needed is an effort to find out the particular love language of our beloved, and learning to speak it.

Most people fall in to one of five primary 'love languages', as defined by marriage counselor and author Gary Chapman. One needs to fill each other's love tank full with regular infusions of words or services tailored to the other's preferences, in order to keep love alive.

The main categories of these love languages are as follows: verbal expressions of appreciation, quality time, gifts, acts of service, and physical touch. Let us examine and give examples of each category in turn.

1. Verbal Appreciation, aka affirmation. Words do matter! Thanking the spouse for doing things you appreciate can mean a great deal to people whose sexiest organ is the auditory canal. Men can crave appreciation just as much as women do, so do not be stingy with verbal acknowledgment of their efforts. What kinds of things can you thank each other for? You might thank him or her for the small acts of service they do. This covers everything from taking out the garbage, to paying the utilities, to walking the dog. Nothing is too mundane to go unappreciated.

2. Quality Time. This term has become popular but at the price of having its meaning twisted. It has nothing to do with how much money is spent on the occasion. Buying tickets to the symphony or a concert is not quality time. Quality time is when you give your full attention to each other, having taken the phone off the hook or gone off on a weekend getaway. This means abandoning your habit of multi-tasking for at least fifteen minutes. I know, you may suffer withdrawal pains but trust me, the rewards will be well worth it. Just fifteen minutes sitting on the couch comparing your day will suffice. Just a halt-hour walk together around the neighborhood will also qualify. If you get ambitious, a few days camping or at the cabin up north is also swell, provided that you just enjoy each other's company without checking the email every half-hour.

3. Gifts. Some people like gifts, and others do not particularly treasure them. It is unfortunate that our consumer society continually urges us to spend money on gifts to the exclusion of just about any other means of expressing love. However, if your spouse likes to give you gifts, it is possible that they would love to receive them as well. Small gifts given on a regular basis mean far more than a big splurge on a diamond necklace or earrings. Examples include a greeting card with meaningful phrases underlined, or a plant from the garden shop. One relative surprised his wife with a wildflower plucked from the side of a highway, because he knew his wife loved the color purple.

4. Acts of Service. This category is awfully broad but includes every mundane service from housekeeping and laundry to shining shoes. It is not servitude to do such acts; it is an expression of caring. You want your spouse or partner to come home to a relaxing atmosphere where things are in order, where they will not be stressed out by burned dinner, missing buttons, an obstacle course in the living room, and smelly sheets on the bed. This is not to imply that the wife has sole responsibility for all these chores; one ought to share at least some of the duties. Try to think of when you were first getting acquainted and spent hours helping the other with some complicated school project or a parade float. Try to re-create that spirit of helpfulness.

5. Physical Touch. This is where things get the trickiest. Touch encompasses not only sex but the goodbye smooch before going to work, the hug, holding hands before going to sleep, the touch on the shoulder as you pass by, spooning on the couch. Most men think that this category is most important to them because of their need for sexual release on a regular basis. But a simple quiz later reveals that they would not be interested in sex with a wife who verbally abused or otherwise neglected them. So at best, they might be bilingual as far as love languages are concerned.

How is one to determine which language your significant other speaks? Try listening to what they continually beg for. Do they keep demanding help with chores? Do they complain that you never cook-do laundry-make beds, etc? Do they keep yearning for a trip together, or just your undivided attention for time to talk? Hey, these are gifts if your beloved is being so transparent.

If you are still getting acquainted with someone and do not know what they prefer, then you might try a small token in each category and sit back to find out what makes the biggest hit. This is the shotgun approach, admittedly, but it does save time.

One tip: do not ever demand or nag the other to do things that you crave. Instead, make requests of them. And ask what kinds of things you might do in order to be a better mate to him or her. Oh, I hear you groaning that you have twenty things to do tonight and asking for more items for your to-do list is just impossible. But it is not a chore to do something that is meaningful to the most important person in your life.

Readers may go online to Gary Chapman's web site for his book at www.fivelovelanguages.com. It has a free online study guide to teach practical ways of applying the concepts in the book to your own life.