Sports Briefs: Board Stiff

Chris: Of all the sports I've wanted to try but have never been able to, besides sumo wrestling, skateboarding would be my choice. But only if I had a cool skateboard with a skull or a lightning bolt on it or something.

Joe: Why would anyone skateboard? Cars are faster. Bikes are faster. Roller skates are faster. The wheelchair I'm looking at purchasing is faster. Skateboarding may be faster than those walkers with the tennis balls on the bottom. Maybe. Oh, by the way, I only participated in real sports, so skateboarding didn't make the cut.

Brad: Hey Ralphie, you ever hear the one about the old man on the skateboard? It goes a little bit like this . . . An old man gets on a skateboard, five seconds later he is face down in a pile of dirt. But I don't think that's ever happened to dear old (really old) Joe here. He's never experienced that. After all, this dinosaur has been successful at everything he ever attempted.

Joe: I know you're eyeing me up to put me in the Home.

Ralphie: I like skateboarding a lot. It is fun and I think it is cool and I like to ride the skateboard around and try to ollie over stuff and try to ride on ramps. I also like to play Tony Hawk Proskater when I can't go outside.

Brad: You know, I've seen Tony Hawk, and I just plain don't get it. I know he's older than me and all, but I feel that skateboarding is for three demographics: the young, the stupid and the drunk. Though I will have to admit seeing guys stupid enough to try "grinding" down a public rail and fall on their torn jeans is entertaining. I can't really write more about this topic. Skateboarders are stupid kids who have some sort of mental thrill-seeking disease and are public annoyances.

Chris: Does this officially count you out of this summer's X Games?

Joe: I think skateboarding is great . . . for those kids who get "Cs" in gym class. Go back to the video game, kid.

Ralphie: I could do kickflips in circles around you. Me n my stepdad skateboard in the summer a lot. We like to go to the school and skateboard in the parking lot and sidewalks.

Brad: I am getting old. Must think young thoughts . . . must think young thoughts.

Ralphie: Does your girlfriend let you skateboard?

Chris: Rumor has it you can pick up females by skateboarding. Though wearing the helmet, knee pads and elbow pads may detract from the general aura of being a hipster. Skaters these days resemble Barry Bonds or Patrick Ewing with the amount of protection they model.

Joe: It's time to grow up, Son.

Ralphie: I like Tony Hawk. He is awesome and I like his games. I think he is the best. I also think it is awesome that he went around a full pipe and did a 900. My stepdad was a semipro til he broke his leg trying to jump down a huge staircase.

Chris: Unless you're a female mummy, body casts probably aren't very attractive either.

Brad: That's precisely why I do not, have not, and shall not every put my feet on a skateboard. I don't much understand the point. It doesn't make you co any faster than walking, and it increases your risk of being knocked into oblivion. If I wanted to sack myself like that, I would much rather go and play quarterback for Detroit.

Joe: Tony Hawk makes a great ad pitchman for disaffected teens one-third his age. I assume he was a solid skateboarder back when Nixon was president. Now, if you excuse me, I have to go. Mr. Hawk is here to pick me up for our regional AARP conference.

Ralphie: They don't make skateboards out of 2x4's and roller skates anymore.