Sports Briefs: I Have a Dream

Brad: If you build it, they will come . . . No, not a baseball field--a Country Kitchen Buffet. If you build one, Joe and his cronies from the AARP will come to eat. It is their powersource, and if we cut them off from it, we shall achieve victory! Who's with me?

Joe: I can tell you took a beaning or two too many as a kid.

Chris: "Field of Dreams," now there's a picture that gives new meaning to a "ghost runner."

Ralphie: Never saw it.

Joe: Maybe it's time for you to move on to kickball. Few movies can get to Old Joe. The ending of "Field of Dreams," however, gets me every time. Who says, "Wanna HAVE a catch?" besides that twit Costner? You play catch, darn it. The other part that gets me is that I probably played with some of those guys. I'm still peeved that Tris Speaker never made the Iowa Cornfield circuit team. He could run circles around Shoeless Joe Jackson.

Ralphie: How exciting are the baseball games at the retirement home?

Brad: "Field of Dreams" is a classic baseball movie. Wasn't it made around the time of "A League of Their Own"?

Chris: Remember how long it took Tom Hanks to relieve himself in that movie? That was a bad influence on me. When I first saw that movie in junior high, I tried to avoid the loo for as long as possible, in order to recreate that scene. Anyway, "A League of Their Own" was made approximately that long after "Field of Dreams."

Brad: Sweet enough. I prefer "A League of Their Own," but I do love "Field of Dreams." It has a good ole American theme. Especially because in Suffield, I lived in a little ranch house surrounded by cornfield after cornfield. I once tried to make a baseball field out of a neighbor's cornfield, but my mom put a stop to that. Can't anger Ohio corn farmers.

Joe: It should be mandatory for every red-blooded American kid to play organized baseball.

Ralphie: I haven't. Does playing at the playground count?

Joe: Put down the skateboard, Ralphie. That means you, too. It should also be mandatory that every child playing baseball get beaned at some point. Our nation's children need to toughen up. And nothing toughens them up like a good beaning. As a shortstop and pitcher during my youth, I received and doled out my fair share of beanings. And that was during pre-helmet days. Nowadays, they might as well put mattresses on the kids' heads.

Chris: I played Little League one year. I was in fifth grade, while most of my teammates were in second or third. And seeing as how our uniforms were green, I was insecure that my teammates would confuse me with the Jolly Green Giant.

Joe: You were a second-rate softball catcher. Did you really roll the ball back to the pitcher, Spaghetti arm?

Chris: Actually, I was the pitcher and rolled the ball to the catcher on occasion. This was usually when I tried throwing a pitch that involved gripping the ball.

Brad: Believe it or not, I played coach-pitch for a few years when I was in grade school. By the time out team moved up to self-pitch, I was the pitcher. I, being 9 or so, didn't have so much of a fastball, but I think I had a killer curve! Suffield Township All Pro Sports was our sponsor. We didn't have a real team name, just "All Pro Sports." Kind of a funny name for a pee wee league team. Not the Ralphie would know. Today's younglings don't know anything about real sports until they are in junior high!

Ralphie: I bet your girlfriend can pitch better than you.

Joe: My baseball dream would be to bean every player in the American League. Wait, strike that. I would bean every player in the National League, too. That'll teach them to crowd the plate against Joe. Plus, it would give me a chance to participate in a donnybrook. There aren't enough donnybrooks anymore.

Ralphie: I want to win the World Series and be the MVP. I would love to see my name up on the screen for hitting the winning homerun or up on a blimp.

Joe: Right field is calling your name, kid.

Brad: Now if I had one baseball dream ever come true, let's just say it would change the world of professional sports forever.

Joe: Were you the first kid at your high school to letter in scorekeeping?

Brad: That's not my dream. Believe it or not, old man, I have other issues with the professional sports world. Of course, my dream wouldn't change it, but I am afraid my dreams will have to remain a secret for awhile.

Chris: Will it be frowned upon if I admit to never getting a hit while playing? My teammates wanted to carry me around on their shoulders on the occasion when my bat actually made contact with the ball. I could have been Tom Emanski's prize pupil, had I ordered his products.

Joe: Poor Chris. He had at least three strikes against him BEFORE he ever stepped on the field.