Sports Briefs: The Expatriate Act

Chris: Though I do not siphon recompense for being a matchmaker, I wish there was someway I could introduce Money to Common Sense. Money has David Stern considering expanding the NBA to Europe, the University of Texas considering the Big 10, USC considering the SEC, the North-Going Zax considering going south and American soccer players going overseas to find financial freedom. If Money were to meet Common Sense, they could possibly get married and settle down, maybe even give birth to a World Cup trophy.

Joe: I played soccer once. I had been injured playing football. To help with my recovery, and to regain my stamina, my coaches wanted me to get some exercise. So they had me sign up for soccer. I scored a hat trick in my first game. It's pretty easy when you're playing against a bunch of pansies who couldn't cut it in real sports. I assume American soccer ideology hasn't changed much since. There aren't many good players, because most are playing other sports. So, to get experience against legitimate competition, players have to play elsewhere.

Brad: I think the best soccer players should stay in the U.S. because I'm an American, and I'm freaking biased toward winning everything from soccer to football to underwater basket weaving in international competition. No way do I want to see the best American players getting their salaries in Euros, Yen, beads or whatever else they got across the ponds.

Ralphie: I think if they are serious soccer players, they need to play where there is the biggest support for the sport. Where ever they play it is still on tv so fans in the US can still watch.

Chris: This is the strategy David Kessler and Hong Kong Phooey devised. Kessler wound up turning into a werewolf, and Phooey eventually landed employment as a janitor, thereby implying that it's best to stay in one's own country to earn a living and avoid the label "expatriate."

Ralphie: I would love the chance to work in other countries. My grandma travels for her job and sometimes we get to visit her where she is. It lets you see things you normally wouldn't get the chance to.

Joe: What do you know . . . you weren't even born when the USA last won a World Cup match.

Brad: Ralphie probably doesn't know what futbol is. I would not go to another country for more money, because I love America, football and my freedoms. That's all there is to say. I'd like to travel overseas and see the sights, but I bleed red, white and blue.

Joe: I bet you play a lot of soccer, huh? I thought you looked unathletic.

Brad: Joe reminds me of that Zidane guy from France who headbutted the Italian dude in the World Cup.

Joe: I draw the line at France. I won't go there.

Chris: When Major League Soccer was formed in 1995, virtually all of America's best soccer players (who were used to not drinking the water in the countries where they worked) returned to play in Samuel Francis Smith's neighborhood, along with many hipsters from other nations. But because MLS couldn't offer as many tantalizing foreign accents as other countries, some of our best players eventually started hypothesizing that it would be more beneficial to sit on the bench of an English team than it would be to actually participate on an American team. This way of thinking has been known to cause befuddlement.

Brad: If Texas was to secede, Chris would probably have a chance at water boy for their World Cup team.

Ralphie: I think you have to be part of a team to be a star player. You still need your team helping you to be a star player and if that involves taking your turn on bench then that's what you do. If you just play on a team where you are better than all the other players then that is not really a fair game.

Brad: If American soccer players would just lace up and play like they wanna flippin' knock some foreigners' off their cannons for feet, we wouldn't have that problem. The main problem in American soccer is we are way too good at everything else, and most other nations live, eat, and breathe a 2-1 futbol game. I would LOVE to see football in the Olympics. It would be a massacre.

Joe: I could write for ESPN Page 2. I could probably even be the lead columnist for "The Peoria Gazette" again. But that's not enough for me. I want to be the very best at what I do. I want to learn from my peers. I want to challenge myself to improve. It will make the reward all the better. That's why I accept my role as the fourth-best writer on this blog. I will do my part to help the team win. I won't make reckless monetary demands like Brad. Or outrageous ego-centric perks like Ralphie. I'll just go about my business. And I'll study them. Eventually, they'll crack. And I'll swoop in and become the main guy around this joint. My time is coming. Watch your backs, kids.