Sports Briefs: Extra Value Heel

Brad: Gosh darn you, NCAA! I had high hopes, stupid Wisconsin, stupid Pittsburgh, gah! I don't want to do another basketball column.

Chris: But the show must go on, soldier.

Brad: Okay, so it will. But don't take my word for it, I apparently can't pick basketball like I used to. But I do have an idea who is going to win . . . Here's laughing at you, Joe. Two words, guys: George Mikan. There, I said it. George Mikan should be the NBA MVP (even though I know he can't be). Anybody who kept this old windbag from playing professional b-ball should be given a big trophy. I mean a big mutha honkin' trophy!

Joe: Provincialism at its finest.

Chris: What did you just call him?

Joe: Obviously, I want to win the MVP. But, my retirement papers went through back when Ford was still president. So, after hours of studying game film, analyzing specific players, and researching statistics, there's only one legitimate winner--Chris Kaman, center for the Clippers. Sure, his team is awful, and his stats are merely pedestrian for an MVP winner, but, it's not about that. Kaman's ability to play at such a high level after being frozen in a block of ice for more than 4,000 years is truly remarkable. It should be a good day for Unfrozen Cavemen Basketball Players everywhere when David Stern hands the trophy to Kaman.

Ralphie: Either Tracy McGrady or Kevin Garnet. I think they are both really good players.

Chris: In an effort to introduce air quotes to this column, I'll state that the "valuable" in MVP actually means "impressive stats." Ergo, this would be the Most Impressive Stats Player. I just said "ergo." But I would like to declare that to be akin to bathing with Arkansas' mascot . . . hogwash.

Brad: I'd like to see LeBron get it, I know he's probably not eligible, having to earn more professional rep than he has, but still, I don't think anybody here would disagree with me that within the next decade, LeBron James will be the NBA MVP. Hey, Ralphie! That's a good way to learn your ABC's, just use of basketball acronyms! N B A M V P . . .

Joe: LeBron James could buy and sell you. And, he probably will. Sportswriters are a funny bunch. But, not always in a good way. They have idiosyncrasies that they just don't want to shake: Eating at least three hot dogs in the press box; taking the easy, clichéd story instead of trying something new; and refusing to give the NBA MVP to an alleged rapist. Actually, Kobe Bryant has never deserved the award before this season. But, it's his time. And, as the signature player with great stats for one of the signature teams, he meets the criteria. Whether he actually deserves it over Chris Paul . . . well, I've been accused of being a bit long-winded, so I'll pass on that one.

Ralphie: Kobe Bryant. I just don't like him.

Chris: We should start an Anti-Kobe Nation and be the founding members of said nation. Long live the Whigs! The MVP should be the player who, when removed from his team, would cause the greatest drop in performance for his team. That would not be the individual who organized the romantic evening together for himself and a future accuser at the Lodge and Spa at Cordillera. Although, the word "valuable" is as confusing as The Great Vowel Shift to many who eat three hot dogs in press boxes.

Brad: As for who I don't want to win, well, let's say there's an entire team from Detroit that I have a lovely hatred for, almost knocking the Cavs out this season. But hey, the Cavs (and LeBron by proxy) are going to the NBA playoffs, and that is something for Ohio to cheer about! Haha, failed Ohio sports franchise my you-know-what!

Joe: You know as much about pro ball as college. Has that bracket improved for ya?

Ralphie: Kevin Garnet from the Celtics. I really like that he is a team player. He is just like what they teach us to be like in school. Teams don't work when you don't work together.

Chris: I think my fortune cookie had that exact same sentence last night. How about Sebastian Telfair? He could win the primary vote. The Celtics traded him for Garnett. That counts for something. Plus, Telfair has a great finger roll.

Joe: You wouldn't know a finger roll from a dinner roll. I don't want Sebastian Telfair to win the award. Brevin Knight doesn't deserve it either. Neither does Jason Collins nor his brother Jarron Collins. Chris Wilcox just didn't do enough to win it. Matt Bonner needs to improve his consistency. Mike James needs to improve his attitude. What about Donyell Marshall, you ask? Nope, he shouldn't win it either. I also don't want LeBron James to win it. He doesn't deserve it despite amazing stats. Historically, the MVP goes to a player on one of the best teams. Don't change it now for a self-described global icon. He doesn't need anymore publicity. Neither does that guy out in LA. Give it to the Paul kid, even if the sportswriters don't know which team he plays for.