Sports Briefs: Fair Weather Fans

Brad: In the beginning there was nothing, and then God said let there be sport - and there was sport, and it was good. Then God said let there be rain - and there was rain, and it was good. Then God said let there be snow - and there was snow, and it was okay. Then God said let there be sleet - and there was sleet, and it was sorta okay.

Chris: Sorta okay? Don't make me wag my index finger at you. Snow and sleet get you out of school and me out of work sometimes. Cold weather gets a bad reputation, but you don't get cataracts while staring into a gray sky. Even an old man knows that.

Joe: You're one of those "Nancy boys," aren't you?

Brad: I once had the distinct pleasure of experiencing "all of the above" at a football game. I'm a sousaphone player in my marching band - y'know, those 60-pound gold things that make a noise that sounds like Joe after a trip to Country Kitchen Buffet?

Joe: Stay off the drugs, kid.

Brad: Let me tell you God leteth loose upon Paul Brown Stadium in Massillon, Ohio. First came the wind, and the 20-foot flag was nearly ripped from its pole. Second came the rain that soaked our cotton uniforms, as well as the Astroturf. Third came the snow, which wasn't so bad, except for the fact that it chilled us to our bones. But then, the sleet . . . BAM! My instrument froze tight, my lips were chapped, and it couldn't have been a worse day but for the fact that we won the game and took the victory bell home for the fourth straight year. Yeah, it would have been worth it if that had happened, but low and behold it did not. We lost the bell, lost our pride as seniors, and went home with our pokey bulldog tails between our chubby bulldog legs.

Ralphie: I didn't know they had sports in the ice age. Does your girlfriend know you like girl sports?

Chris: Not to imply that winter is the best season, but you can't exactly form frozen boogers in your nose during the summer. What could be more fun that picking and being able to produce your own ice cubes?

Joe: I love me a good hail storm. Especially if it helps me win. That's what happened during the 1994 Lion's Club Annual Horseshoes Fundraiser. I was losing 19 - 4 to that smug Larry McMurtry when I noticed darkness had set in around us. Suddenly, ice pellets the size of golf balls began plummeting from the sky. Those things sting; I had welts for a week! But, I'm tough, unlike my opponent. McMurtry took a giant pellet right on the noggin. He fell to the ground in a heap. And, since I'm a stickler for rules, I pointed out to the head scorekeeper (who was hiding in a 1986 Buick Park Avenue) that I should be declared the winner. She disagreed. So, I argued a bit more sternly. And, she relented. The best part is that the dent I put in her car was hardly noticeable with all the hail dent marks around it.

Brad: Since that game the only weather I put up with when it comes to sports is good weather. If the game is not in a dome or in an arena, I don't go to it. I'd rather sit at home with a mug of hot chocolate and let the pros duke it out for the title of who is King of the Bad Weather.

Chris: I have fond memories of cold football games, when I used to stand on the sidelines dressed in my uniform, watching my teammates play, as our coaches prowled the sidelines, screaming "This is hittin' weather!" They were usually dressed in no less than eight layers and routinely had a cup of hot chocolate and a space heater within close proximity. This was a hoot. Anyone who likes it warm and sunny is weird. How do you like it, Ralphie?

Ralphie: Warm n sunny.

Joe: Why in the world would I sit out in inclement weather to watch sports? I'd prefer a kick to the groin or a punch to the ear.

Brad: My feelings on baseball differ when it comes to my opinions of weather. After all, the worse thing that can happen to a baseball game is a little delay because of rain - or bugs. Some of you (except Ralphie who is probably too young to remember last year) may remember the playoff battle last year between the Indians and the Yankees. Anybody remember the plague of midge flies descending into Jacobs Field and attacking the Yankees? I sure do. Us Indians fans were used to that. Jacobs Field often gets plagues by insects because of it's proximity to Lake Erie, but the Yanks just couldn't adapt and lost the game, and the series.

Chris: I built a snowman wearing Yankee gear a few years ago. The ability to create a backyard of henchmen made out of precipitation is not one that should be treated with insouciance. I just said "insouciance."

Ralphie: I hate snowmen.

Joe: I don't like snowmen. And, I hate making them. It's cold. It's wet. And, it's boring. Yet, my kids loved them. Why? Because, they knew their old man would do all the work, that's why! Sure, they were more than happy to put the carrot in at the end, as the neighbors came out to look. Glory hounds! But, who rolled all the snow? Who found the sticks? Who stole the coal from the church basement? Me, and all I got for it was a shoddy looking blob of snow in my front yard for the better part of a month. After a couple times of that nonsense, I made the kids make snow angels instead.

Ralphie: You wouldn't know a snowman from a snow angel.

Brad: When it comes to snowmen, I have never had any luck. When I used to build snowmen, idiot kids (cough) Ralphie (cough) took Super Soakers full of red-colored water to simulate blood and killed my snowmen and stole the gloves and hat. Guess you can't win 'em all.

Chris: The Indians didn't, that's for sure.