Sports Briefs: Do You Feel a Draft?

Brad: LET'S GET READY FOR SOME FOOTBALL!!!! . . . drafting . . . Woo, I am excited out of my shoes for this season. Browns don't have the spot in the third round this year, but no matter, they'll do well, and next year they will have that third round spot!

Chris: You know, each year I sit by my phone and wait for a call. The Jets promise me year after year that they need my explosive punting abilities on their team. But the phone call never comes. I'm thinking I need to switch providers.

Ralphie: I don't really understand how that works.

Joe: Pipe down, kid. We're discussing football, not foosball.

Chris: What happens is you wake up late on a Saturday, watch the first 10 picks of the draft (which last approximately seven hours long) and then shower immediately afterwards. It's quite liberating.

Brad: As for those in the first round, my suggestion is to watch a certain football-ish movie. "Ace Ventura: Pet Detective," now that was one of the funniest, craziest, most stupidly purposeless movie ever made. Ralphie's probably seen it--probably liked it--I saw it and liked it when I was his age.

Joe: The Dolphins have been irrelevant since Ray Finkel shanked that field goal and the annoying pet detective saved the day. (Too bad Dan Marino's acting career couldn't be saved in the process.) As a result, I don't care what the Dolphins do with the first pick. I just hope and pray that I won't have to see Mercury Morris' mug after the draft, announcing some more nonsense about his neighborhood's block party. Hey Mercury, we get it--you think your block is the best. Apparently, you haven't been to one of my neighborhood's block parties. Edith Crzezeski's potato salad is so delicious, it could make noted tough guy Larry Csonka cry.

Chris: My wife once fooled me into eating a bite of potato salad, convincing me that it was banana puddin'. I gagged.

Brad: My point about that movie is that the Dolphins should draft a new mascot--they should draft a dolphin. Failing that, they should downgrade to become the Miami Porpoises! Why did they get the first pick this year? It's wasted on them--that's why I say they should go draft the fish, at least then I'd have a reason to watch their games.

Joe: I would trade the first pick. I can't even pay my mortgage on my paltry Social Security checks, how am I supposed to dole out a $38 million signing bonus for some guy who could very well be a bust?

Ralphie: If you get drafted by a team, does that mean that you can't play on any other team?

Chris: That's factual, with the only exceptions being if you are Eli Manning, John Elway or a blood relative of either. A trade the Dolphins should make is acquiring an "F" for the "P" and "H" in their name. Then, I could revert back to spelling it "Dolfins," which is the way I spelled it up until sixth grade.

Brad: Now if I was manager of another team and had to pick somebody, I'd go for Jake Long, the Michigan tackle. I know there have been rumors about him and the Dolphins coupling up--seriously--it's a great deal. The core of any football team is a guy who can take a hit by a nuclear bomb. Joe agrees I assume.

Joe: If I need marching band insights, I'll ask you.

Ralphie: I guess I would want who wants to play on my team.

Brad: That's why a team would like me. None of you have actually seen a picture of the real me, and I must admit that the cartoon version is quite misleading--truth of the matter is I am a broad-shouldered, thick-legged lineman. Brick wall, that's what I am--and that's why *Insert half of the teams in the NFL here* would love me. One year, I think four years ago, I was spending time with my dad and step mom on NFL Draft Weekend. And all we did was watch the draft. Now, I'll watch the first round and the picks of my favorite teams, but my dad will watch every minute from the second he wakes up to the second he falls asleep. All weekend my step mom and I read books in the kitchen, answering calls to the effect of, "Oh hi, Mrs. Miller, what are we doing now? We're watching who the Cleveland Browns picked."

Chris: That should be a lesson to keep your phone lines open. No team will be able to reach you if the phone is tied up by Mrs. Miller. That may be why I never receive a call on draft day either.

Joe: The effects of playing football without a helmet can be devastating. Right, Slappy? I have not watched the draft since Paul Hornung was drafted. What a jerk. He still owes me $3,000 from a welched bet back in '64. He wasn't very bright either. What moron would bet that the Washington Generals would beat the Harlem Globetrotters? I would want to be drafted by the team with the best medical staff and insurance plan. I'm old!

Ralphie: My whole family loves the Steelers, so I guess them, but I also like the Giants.

Chris: Ralphie is obviously ready to be drafted. One person pulling for Ralphie getting selected is Maurice Clarett's lawyer. He and the NFL could start going steady with court dates if that happened.