Sports Briefs: Kicks Are for Kids

Chris: Will I be looked upon with askance if I admit that I'm throbbing with excitement about the upcoming MLS season?

Joe: MLS? That's like asking me what my predictions are for AA ball in baseball. Here's my prediction: the young kid, Adu, will receive more air time on ESPN than any other player. There, you happy?

Ralphie: The Los Angeles Galaxy is my favorite team so I am going to pick them.

Brad: From baseball to NCAA to MLS . . . Chris, we're jumping around topics faster than Dr. Phil jumps through humorous Texan metaphors--please, make it stop! What's next, Star Trek? A Parisi Squares Tourney on Holodeck Three?

Joe: What do you know about sports? I saw your NCAA tourney bracket. Yech.

Chris: Not to openly brag, but I'm an official member of FC Dallas' fan club. They gave me a free T-shit, tickets and everything.

Ralphie: We really don't want to hear what the cheerleader has to say, so let the rest of us talk.

Brad: Soccer may be one of (if not the) most popular sport worldwide, but it never interested me. In the US it seems that soccer stops becoming popular in college. It's a great high school sport, even though my high school men's team had a horrible record (even for a losing team) but from college and on, it falls behind.

Joe: Good for you, Brad, yet another failed Ohio sports franchise to cheer on for losing.

Brad: Joe, if you start up with another cooked up story again . . . I swear I'll sic George Mikan on you!

Joe: Soccer is a wonderful sport to watch for inebriated adults when it's world-class athletes playing. It's abysmal for sober parents when they're watching their uncoordinated kids kick other uncoordinated kids' shins for two hours early on a Saturday morning. Studies indicate that soccer is the most popular sport for young kids in America. There is a precipitous drop-off, however, as these children age. No wonder, imagine how much fun it is to be kicked repeatedly in the shin or groin . . .

Ralphie: It's cool. It's a fast game and I like to play. And they have really cool riots on those amazing video shows.

Joe: Go kick your dad in the shins or something.

Ralphie: You can't keep up, old man.

Chris: Soccer was actually the one sport I didn't experiment in until college. After discovering that goalkeeper was the only position that didn't forbid the use of hands, I volunteered for that position. That quickly preceded a parade of soccer balls careening off my nose at high speeds to the point where I inquired to whether wearing a football helmet was legal in futbol.

Joe: I thought they banned soccer in Texas for being too complicated for y'all to figure out.

Brad: To Americans soccer is a sort of starter sport, every 5 or 6-year-old does it until peewee league football and coach pitch baseball start. Then, once they get to junior high, they best move on to be place kickers and pinch hitters. No doubt Ralphie has dabbled in some community league. American soccer has been stuck on the backburner so long it really isn't interesting anymore. The only way to get it back in my opinion is for an American team to win the World Cup, but that won't happen in my, much less Joe's, lifetime.

Joe: Back in the day, I used any excuse to booze socially. That's why soccer was such a great spectator sport. You hang out in a fever-pitched environment with thousands of fans. The best part was that the chance of missing something important on the field (pitch) was miniscule. We learned it was only vital that we were conscious and aware for the shootout. So, I usually had my friend wake me in time for that. Obviously, none of this ever took place on American soil. But, you should have realized that by the "fever-pitched environment" part.

Chris: Part of what makes the NBA exciting is a chance to see if Kevin Garnett will go up for a rebound and come down with the ball, along with a handful of Anderson Varejo's hair. Plus, on a soccer field, it's an advantage for your favorite player to have long, protruding thatch, in order for him to be recognized. Cousin Itt would have had quite the following had he been a midfielder.

Ralphie: None of the players I like have hair . . . Beckham, Adriano, Figo. It probably gets in the way.

Joe: Cool hair? Back in my day, anything over the ears, and you were a Nancy boy. Now, I see all sorts of these soccer clowns running around looking like . . . well . . . clowns. Get a haircut. Maybe it'll help you score more--on and off the pitch.