Sports Briefs: Love is in the Air and Courtside

Joe: My older brother went to school with legendary cartoonist Charles Schulz. Like his cartoon protagonist, Charlie Brown, Schulz was a putz. But, his family is pretty decent. And, I don't want to see anybody living on the street. That's why I purchase those insufferable Peanuts cards for my wife. You know the ones: Woe is Charlie Brown, the perpetually losing pitcher. Woe is Charlie Brown; Lucy moved the football and he fell down. Dumb schmuck. Go for two! Anyway, my wife gets one of those for Valentine's Day. And she likes them, because she knows that we saved the Schulz family from eating out of our garbage.

Chris: Your wife is lucky. I'm having a hard time adjusting to not receiving the cool, cartoon Valentines. My favorites were the Animal Crackers playing sports. My dad sold those in his drugstore for years back in the '80s. A cartoon bird dressed in football gear saying, "I'd never pass up the chance to be your Valentine!" What do you get, Ralphie?

Ralphie: Just Valentines at my school party.

Brad: Well, unlike my column mates here, I am 18 and loving it. I got the perfect prescription for passion and pleasure on Valentine's Day, unlike an old man who lacks the power and the kid who lacks all of it. I mean, how is the lil' kid supposed to write about his wee wittle Walentine's Day cards?

Ralphie: Are you crazy? You couldn't get a date for Valentine's Day!

Brad: The typical teenage heartthrob that I am has the perfect girl - her name, Jackie. Her passion (besides me, of course) is the Cleveland Cavaliers. That's how we met actually, at a LeBron James fan get-together at high school last year.

Joe: I fear for our future.

Brad: Both of us being Cleveland Cavaliers (or Cavs as we prefer) fans, I have to put up with being compared to hot b-ball stars like LeBron all of the time. So last year for Valentine's Day, I gave her what she really wanted - LeBron James. I got together with her at a McDonald's in all of my LeBron dressings. Halfway through our Big Macs, I whipped out my special present - a picture of LeBron Photoshopped with my head on it. She laughed, and both of us had a great night.

Chris: And you probably only looked slightly more awkward than the guy with the shrunken head in "Beetlejuice." At least your girl knows you like her. I sent out "Who Framed Roger Rabbit?" Valentines back in elementary school. Half the females in the class thought I was getting fresh with them, as my face turned a dazzling shade of red. Candy's a better gift, though.

Joe: I'm a guy. An old guy! What am I gonna do with candy? Ralphie can have my candy for all I care. Just keep him out of my yard! All I need is a steak. Medium-rare.

Ralphie: A chocolate bar with a football on it . . . gummy burgers.

Brad: The best sports-related Valentine's Day gift (besides my mug Photoshopped to LeBron's body) are Cavs tickets. Two courtside seats down the center so I can feel the tip off. Tuck these tickets in a Matchbox Hummer and there is no competition in Valentine's Day gifts. Now, if you put a huge (and I mean really huge) box of the finest cherry cordials in the passenger seat next to my Jackie - I am in heaven. I have fine tastes in candy and women. I love them irresistible on the outside and oozing sweet elegant goodness from the inside.

Ralphie: I bet you had a lot of chocolate in your lifetime.

Joe: One Valentine's Day, I decided to get first-row tickets to watch the fledgling pro basketball team in town. About halfway through the second quarter, some schmuck named Christian Laettner makes an errant pass. It nails my wife right in the nose.

Chris: I'm not going to get my wife to go with me to a basketball game if you keep this up. I'm about to declare shenanigans on you.

Joe: "We have a bleeder!" The towel boys can't sop up the mess quick enough. The referees came over to assess the situation. I knew one of them from my playing days. Unfortunately, I also owed this fella for some ill-advised gambling choices. He got even right then and there. He talked to arena personnel, and they made us leave our courtside seats. My wife was humiliated. And, she blamed me for the fiasco, instead of the clumsy lug whom the Timberwolves wasted the No. 3 pick on. We left the arena on non-speaking terms, and I slept in the garage. That night epitomized my Valentine's Day history, as well as Laettner's career with the Timberwolves. Thanks for nothing.

Brad: Jackie and I differ in one major sport - college football. I love my OSU Buckeyes, and she, well, she loves those overgrown drowned rats Michigan calls Wolverines. I have no idea why she is obsessed with them; it must be a law in Ohio that those native to this state are born with hatred for Michigan. The point of this is that last year we planned a date on the night before the OSU-Michigan game . . . bad idea.

Ralphie: A date? I'm 9 years old!

Brad: Halfway through our buffalo wings, we started fighting over who had the better offensive line and who was going to win. After OSU won the game the next day, she refused to talk to me for a week while she licked her wounds. Sad to say, I couldn't help but gloat our amazing victory for the next month or so. But eventually we both got over it and are still a couple to this day.

Chris: If I were a football, I'd have the football ask my wife on a date. Then, maybe she'd be more willing to watch NFL games with me.

Ralphie: I didn't know footballs could ask people on dates.