Sports Briefs: Pirates of the Central Division

Welcome to my column, love.

It seems a pirate has never taken over a column before. It could be because it's really hard to get good Internet service out on the open waters. Which brings me to my second point, that being the column topic.

Seeing as how I am a pirate, the topic of this column happens to be pirates, or more specifically the Pittsburgh Pirates, who are conveniently located in a city associated with steel mills and factories. In other words they produce pirate swords, but not pirates, savvy?

As far as community relations go, the team thought it wise to hire a second mascot, this one being a cartoon pirate. This was in comparison, of course, to their other mascot, a cartoon parrot. This would be appropriate had the team been named the Pittsburgh Parrots. But seeing as how they're not, a cartoon pirate is at least a step in the right direction, mate.

Their baseball team hasn't had a winning record since 1992, as it were. And the only times the franchise has made the front-page headlines in the last few years have been because of last year's All-Star Game and a certain Mr. Derek Bell's "Operation Shutdown" in 2002. What a bugger.

Though Mr. Bell certainly did make out like a pirate in that episode. His team paid him $4.5 million not to play, and he went to live on a boat. Funny world, innit? I'm thinking of making him Commodore Bell.

Pittsburgh needs to come to the realization that they need a captain. I'm not talking about one of those bloody, Derek Jeter-style captains. No, Pittsburgh needs . . . a Captain.

Well then, I confess. It is my intention to commandeer this team, pick up a crew through the draft, and then raid, pillage, plunder and otherwise pilfer the other 29 teams of their best players.

The only rules that really matter are these: what a man can do, and what a man can't do.

For instance, Pittsburgh can accept that their team stinks or they can't. But their team stinks worse than Mr. Gibbs in a pig sty, so they'll have to square with that some day.

And me, for example, I can let them continue to stink, but I can't turn around the franchise all by me onesies, savvy? So, can Pittsburgh sail to first place under the command of a pirate, or can they not?

I suppose that would be my thesis statement.

So I wrote a column, just like I promised. The team hired a new mascot, just like they promised. And Derek Bell quit, just like he promised. So we're all men of our word, really, except for, of course, the mascots, who are, in fact, plush.

You will always remember this as the day that you read the column in which a real pirate officially applied to manage the Pittsburgh Pirates. I think we've all arrived at a very special place . . . spiritually, ecumenically, grammatically.

To be sure, love, the Pirates need a leader, and I can think of no one better than Jack Sparrow . . . Captain Jack Sparrow. Yo ho.